The Scroll
by SakuraSpark
Summary: The Akatsuki find a scroll that introduces them to the world of fanfiction! How will they react when they read about themselves turning into kittens, doing the mambo jambo and more? Secret admirers and beauty pageants? What the hell? Warning: Contains hints of smut. Many expletives!
1. Prologue

A/N: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

"I'm fucking tired, Kakuzu. Can't we just head straight back to the base?" Hidan whined in an obnoxiously loud voice.

Kakazu continued jumping from tree to tree, the body of a dead man swinging on his back, "Shut up, we have to collect the money before heading back."

Hidan's grumbling continued all the way to a quiet area of the woods. Kakuzu set foot into one of the Fire Country's many bounty counters, this particular one being hidden inside an abandoned toilet, while Hidan waited outside, the typical him complaining about the horrible stench.

"This place stinks. There are plenty of other places where bounties can be claimed. Why the fuck do we have to keep coming to this pisshole?" Hidan protested, scrunching up his nose in disgust.

A few minutes had passed, and Hidan was sitting on the steps of the building fidgeting with his pendant, "Always taking forever. The miser's probably counting every single bill again. Jashin forbid that he miss out on that one dollar."

A rustle nearby got his attention. His ears picked up on a sound of laughter and ninja instincts kicked in, his hand grasping onto the scythe strapped on his back.

"Who the fuck is that?"

There was no response but the giggling continued. The giggling got louder and suddenly he realised that someone was right behind him.

Hidan swung his scythe around but all he saw next, was darkness.

* * *

"Hidan."

Hidan stirred a little.

"Oi Hidan!"

His senses were beginning to return, but his thoughts were all jumbled up. 'Wha- why am I on the ground? Why is it so fucking dark?'

Hidan was suddenly lifted up into the air choking. Startled, his eyes widened and he realised that he was about a foot off the ground with Kakuzu's hand around his neck.

"Y-you fucking asshole. Let me d-down!"

Kakuzu obliged, releasing Hidan's neck and sending the latter crashing to the ground.

"MOTHERF-!"

"Why were you sleeping?"

"I WASN'T SLEEPING! I WAS SITTING. AND THEN THERE WAS THIS LAUGHTER. SOME STUPID FUCKING GIGGLING. AND IT WAS BEHIND ME. AND THEN THERE WAS NOTHING."

Kakuzu just stared blankly at him.

Hidan stared back.

_-stare-_

_-stare-_

_-stare-_

Somewhere a frog croaked.

"STOP STARING IT'S THE FUCKING TRUT-!"

*clank!*

Something hit Kakuzu on the head.

Rubbing his head, Kakuzu gritted his teeth in pain as he watched a long and cylindrical object roll on the ground beside his feet.

Hidan's head suddenly rolled off his shoulders and hit the ground.

"WHAT THE FUCK KAKUZU?!"

"You should have known better than to try and hit me."

"THAT WASN'T ME! YOU ASSHOLE I WAS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. WOULDN'T YOU HAVE SEEN IT HAPPEN?!"

Kakuzu shrugged slightly, any excuse to hit Hidan made him happier, and then bent down to grab the item from the ground.

It was a scroll. It was made simply out of white parchment and wood handles and there were some unidentifiable words written on it. Kakuzu squinted at the words trying to discern any kanji from it but was unable to recognise anything from the seemingly random strokes.

However, there was a small ink-like scribble along the opening of the scroll that he recognised.

"_For the Akatsuki"_

He looked up in the direction where the scroll presumably came from, above. However there was nothing above them except for clear skies.

"We should bring it back to Leader-sama to analyze," Kakuzu said.

Hidan went without much complaint. Although that was probably due to Kakuzu having gagged his mouth and speeding back to base with his head in one hand and his body in the other.

* * *

"I think Hidan and Kakuzu are back, un."

Sitting next to his aquarium, Kisame looked up from his fish-watching, "You think?"

"Yea, un. You can hear Hidan from a mile away."

And indeed, Hidan's cussing could be heard from even behind the huge boulder that was their entrance to the base.

"FUCK YOU KAKUZU! PUT ME BACK TOGETHER! C'MON! WE'RE PARTNERS RIGHT? KAKUZU? OI! KAKUZU YOU ASSHOLE! STOP IGNORING ME!"

Kakuzu walked into the base and everyone noticed that the body slung over Kakuzu's shoulder was missing a head.

_-collective sigh-_

"What did Hidan do now, un?"

"HEY! WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME? KAKUZU WAS BEING A PISSY BITCH AND DECIDED TO TAKE IT OUT ON INNOCENT ME YOU STUPID BLOND."

"It's always you," a monotone voice belonging to a certain red-headed puppet joined in.

"SHUT UP, NO ONE ASKED YOU YOU STUPID WOODEN FREAK!"

"WHAT IS ALL THIS RACKET?!" a deep and stern voice blared through the room.

"Leader-sama, Hidan and I were just coming back from the bounty office when he was ambushed."

"I WAS NOT AMBUSHED. I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE YOU MOTHERF-."

"Hidan. Shut. Up."

Hidan had an indignant look on his face and was about to respond rudely when he saw the look on Pein's face and fell silent instead.

Pein looked at Kakuzu and nodded for him to continue. Kakuzu then explained all the happenings, including Hidan being knocked out and then showed him the scroll.

Pein took the scroll from him and examined the incomprehensible strokes. The words "For The Akatsuki" disappeared upon his reading and he frowned at it.

"It appears that these unidentifiable scratches do not resemble any of our known languages. It does not seem like a language of our world. I will analyze the scroll and let you all know if anything of concern to you comes up. Meanwhile, no one is to remove this scroll from my office."

He turned to walk away but paused for a second, "Kakuzu. Put Hidan back together. I don't want to hear anymore screaming."

* * *

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

"SHUT UP, UN!"

"BUT SENPAIIIIIIIIII"

"GET AWAY FROM ME, YEAH!"

Tobi was jumping up and down, waving something in his hand. On the other hand, Deidara had immediately left the room once he heard Tobi enter and proclaim loudly how good of a boy he was.

The rest just stared at Tobi, following his jumps with their eyes as he went up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down – well you get the idea.

"What do you have there Tobi?" Kisame asked, noticing the object that the smaller man was holding onto.

"A scroll! A scroll! Tobi took it from Leader-sama's room!" The hyperactive masked man went into a fit of laughter for reasons unknown. "Tobi is a good boy! So he took a curious item from Leader-sama and decided to share it with everyone!"

Kisame raised an eyebrow, "Isn't stealing considered bad?"

"It's not stealing! It's called borrowing! Tobi will return it! Let's see what it contains!"

"Tobi, stop." The man who had been silent all this time while watching them from the corner suddenly spoke up.

"Itachi-san! Don't you want to see it?"

Without waiting for a response, Tobi suddenly unrolled the scroll. Kanji started filling up the parchment.

_"The Scroll welcomes the Akatsuki. The contents of said scroll will contain stories and adventures of a million fantasies, alternate universes and potential spoilers. Please proceed with caution, and understand that all stories may or may not mentally scar you for life,"_ Itachi read.

* * *

Thanks for reading, I understand that it could be better, and will try to get out the official first chapter ASAP! The chapters will get better and funnier!

Would like to thank mibamonster for the inspiration. She did a Harry Potter version of this, very hilarious! Do support! :)


	2. Love Beyond Love

A/N: I do not own Naruto. I do however own the fanfics within this fanfic. No offense is meant with all stories. The stories are written with the intention that the reader already knows the quirks and characteristics that make up each individual ninja and so references to names are sometimes not included.

* * *

Recap:

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

"SHUT UP, UN!"

"BUT SENPAIIIIIIIIII"

"GET AWAY FROM ME, YEAH!"

Tobi was jumping up and down, waving something in his hand. On the other hand, Deidara had immediately left the room once he heard Tobi enter and proclaim loudly how good of a boy he was.

The rest just stared at Tobi, following his jumps with their eyes as he went up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down – well you get the idea.

"What do you have there Tobi?" Kisame asked, noticing the object that the smaller man was holding onto.

"A scroll! A scroll! Tobi took it from Leader-sama's room!" The hyperactive masked man went into a fit of laughter for reasons unknown. "Tobi is a good boy! So he took a curious item from Leader-sama and decided to share it with everyone!"

Kisame raised an eyebrow, "Isn't stealing considered bad?"

"It's not stealing! It's called borrowing! Tobi will return it! Let's see what it contains!"

"Tobi, stop." The man who had been silent all this time while watching them from the corner suddenly spoke up.

"Itachi-san! Don't you want to see it?"

Without waiting for a response, Tobi suddenly unrolled the scroll. Kanji started filling up the parchment.

_"The Scroll welcomes the Akatsuki. The contents of said scroll will contain stories and adventures of a million fantasies, alternate universes and potential spoilers. Please proceed with caution, and understand that all stories may or may not mentally scar you for life,"_ Itachi read.

-end recap-

* * *

"HUH? Senpai! What is this? How does it know who we are?"

Itachi stared at it, sharingan activated, but was unable to detect any abnormalities from it.

The words disappeared and new ones appeared in its place. Kisame grabbed it from Itachi and continued reading.

* * *

_Love Beyond Love, A Love Story About Love_

_KakuHida fluff. Rated Teen for Hidan's language._

* * *

"Someone mentioned me?" Hidan had just stepped into the room and was looking at the scroll in Kisame's hands. "What the fuck, isn't that what Leader told us not to touch? Hell I ain't gonna be the one who takes the blame I tell you."

"Shut up Hidan, Tobi stole it from his office and when he opened it, words started appearing. Apparently it contains stories all about us," said Kisame.

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"Shut the fuck up Tobi, you are gonna get us all in trouble. And what's this scroll thing saying about my language? I'm a fucking gentleman."

...

* * *

_He looked at the clock on the wall. Noon. 'Lunchtime,' he thought._

* * *

"The fuck Kisame?"

"I'm just reading from the scroll!"

"Tch. Fuck you fishy."

* * *

_He couldn't wait to see him. Although of course he would never admit it, he had a reputation after all. He was the resident sex-on-legs._

* * *

"That's right. I am!"

"We don't know if it's you Hidan. Shut up, listen and stop interrupting!" Kisame snapped before continuing.

* * *

_He ran his hands through his silver hair._

* * *

"HA! TOLD YOU!"

"Tobi is a good boy!"

Kisame ignored them and continued.

* * *

_He couldn't believe that he was actually nervous. Fuck, his palms were getting sweaty. He wanted a glimpse of him as soon as possible. He hadn't seen him in weeks, Leader having sent him on a solo mission._

* * *

Kisame paused in reading and looked up. "50 bucks Hidan's gay in this."

"Fuck you blue man. I ain't no gay."

"Well that's what this story's insinuating. And besides, we have all seen how you try to get everyone to check out your manhood."

"Insinua- what?" Hidan paused in his sentence, trying to digest Kisame's words. Before he knew it, he was seething with anger. "Do you even know what that word even means you fucktard? AND I WAS SHOWING OFF YOU TINY DICKHEADS. NOT ATTRACTING MEN YOU STUPID BLUE FISHMAN!"

"Yes I know what it means, I have a brain unlike you. It's SHARKman by the way. And sure… you were 'showing off'..."

"I'M GONNA SACRIFICE YOU TO JASHIN-SAMA!"

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

"SHUT UP TOBI YOU HYPERACTIVE LOLLIPOP!"

Itachi then silenced all of them with a flash of red eyes.

"Kisame, if you would continue. We could find out what this is and report back to Leader."

* * *

_He heard him enter the base._

_Right on time. He was always punctual. After all, to him time was money, and money was very important._

_Hidan shook himself out of his monologue and walked out of the kitchen._

_"HEY KUZU, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE BACK!_

* * *

"OOH OOH! I THINK HIDAN LIKES KAKUZU SENPAI!"

Hidan's hand twitched towards his scythe but then stopped when he saw the look of warning red flashing in the Uchiha's eyes.

* * *

_Kakuzu glanced at Hidan and just walked down the corridor toward Leader's room._

_Hidan watched Kakuzu's back admiring the large stature, firm and sturdy, all the way down to his wonderfully sculpted buttocks._

* * *

"FUCK NO! ARGHHHHH!"

Kisame halted in his reading, his eyes glancing up to Hidan who had fallen silently on the floor, his body twitching from Itachi's genjutsu. The red scythe had clattered to Kisame's feet and everyone instantly knew what just happened – Hidan had tried to slash at the scroll.

"Um. Are we continuing this? I am curious to what this thing is about but am not sure if I want to read more about Kakuzu's butt."

Speaking of the devil, the man himself had just walked into the room and paused at Kisame's words.

He shot a questioning look at the blue man who could only grin sheepishly, not knowing how to explain.

"KAKUZU SENPAI! WE ARE READING THE SCROLL THAT YOU FOUND! THERE ARE STORIES ABOUT US! OH AND WE JUST READ THAT HIDAN LIKES KAKUZU SENPAI'S BUTT VERY MUCH!"

The guy with stitches stared at the hyperactive orange lollipop guy in front of him and glanced at the religious nut on the floor with the silent Uchiha above him.

Kisame flinched as the man walked toward him.

Kakuzu approached Kisame and stopped right in front of him. Kisame flinched, not knowing what to expect from the former.

"Continue."

Kisame's eyes widened, his mouth agape as the large man sat down at the armchair to his right and looked at him expectantly.

"Uh?"

"I want to know how this story continues in order to decide on the horrific manner in which this scroll should be disposed of. And also the torture that the rest of you should receive in turn."

Kisame gulped and could only pray for his dear life as he continued on.

* * *

_Hidan admired every single stitch on that man. He wished he could tell him how he felt, but he would probably end up in pieces as the man would tear him up._

_Hidan groaned as the thought of being viciously attacked by Kakuzu inexplicably turned him on._

_He decided to do a ritual and went back to his room while waiting for Kakuzu's meeting with the Leader to end._

* * *

_Having finished with his ritual, he headed back down to the kitchen a few hours later to grab a snack. He wondered where Kakuzu was._

_Walking past the living room, he noticed the man he loved watching television. Of course, The Price is Right Shinobi Style was on._

_He went and sat down next to Kakuzu, the man barely giving any notice to him._

_Hidan stared at him. Eyes wandering from the stitches on the masked man's face down to the hidden muscles under his cloak and even further down._

_"Hidan."_

_He looked up straight into green and red eyes and was mesmerised. 'He makes those colours work for him.'_

_"Hidan."_

_Hidan shook his head, mentally trying to break free from Kakuzu's hypnotic gaze._

_"What?"_

_"Quit staring moron."_

_"I wasn't staring," Hidan couldn't look away._

_"You were."_

_"Was not."_

_"Was too."_

_ "Was not!"_

_"Was too."_

_"Was not!"_

_Hidan realised that the both of them had moved a lot closer during the argument. Kakuzu had gotten in his face out of anger and now they were only mere inches from each other._

_"Was to-"_

_Hidan grabbed Kakuzu's face and planted his lips on the other using one hand to remove the mask._

_He could feel the stitches under his lips and he liked it very much._

_He realised what he was doing and moved away quickly, blushing like a tomato._

_"Uh, uh. Jashinism states that we have to kiss a member of the same sex once a day," he sputtered out realising only afterward how stupid that sounded, looking panicky at Kakuzu._

_Kakuzu had frozen in shock and was staring blankly._

_"Kakuzu?"_

_Hidan flinched a little as Kakuzu suddenly broke out of his reverie and looked at him._

_"Jashinism?" _

_"Uh, yes. Jashin-sama says that doing that would appease his, um, needs."_

_"Needs." Kakuzu repeated, the expression on his face unreadable._

_Hidan nodded nervously._

_"Who have you been kissing for the past few years every day then?"_

_"Uh. Uh, this stage of my religion just started.. today..," Hidan stuttered, kicking himself mentally for even coming up with something that lame._

_"I see…" Kakuzu looked deep in thought._

_'Oh Jashin, he probably thinks I'm some weird perverted freak now. Not that I wasn't one. But now it's wors-'_

_"You have beautiful eyes."_

_"Huh?"_

_Hidan broke out of his thoughts and realised Kakuzu had been staring at him._

_"What?"_

_"I said," Kakuzu came closer, "I better be the one you continue kissing every day from now on."_

_Hidan closed his eyes and Kakuzu gently kissed him._

_"I love you Kuzu."_

_Kakuzu paused, "And I love you too." He kissed him again._

_Hidan was so happy inside that Kakuzu had accepted him. He loved him. He loved him! The beautiful man with the eyes like Christmas loved him!_

* * *

"And uh, yea that was it," Kisame put down the scroll and looked nervously at Kakuzu.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Hidan had apparently roused moments before and heard the entire ending. His face was flushed with anger and he pointed his scythe at Kisame and Kakuzu.

"NO WAY IN HELL WOULD JASHIN-SAMA ASK ME TO DO SUCH A BLASPHEMOUS THING! THIS IS. THIS IS," Hidan spluttered not knowing how to continue his words.

"TOBI LIKED IT! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY! AND KAKUZU SENPAI AND HIDAN SHOULD SAY THEIR TRUE FEELINGS!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP TOBI! IT'S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT FOR OPENING THAT SCROLL! JUST. JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU BAUBLE-COLOURED EYES FREAK!" Hidan swung his scythe once more at Kakuzu and stomped away with angry steps, muttering about finding sacrifices.

Tobi looked at Kisame and Itachi. "Tobi liked it very much!"

Kakuzu stood motionless. Kisame flinched. Itachi glanced at him.

Kakuzu suddenly grabbed the scroll from Kisame and rolled it up.

"Er. You are ok with the story?" Kisame tentatively asked before flinching, God he was going to get a facial stroke from all the flinching, from the glare that Kakuzu gave him.

That one glare that caused Tobi to eep and run out of the room.

"I'm going to bring this scroll back to Leader and tell him what happened. Then afterward I am going to tear Hidan, the source of all trouble, which, by the way I would under no circumstances EVER find his goldfish eyes beautiful, into pieces and stuff Tobi into the nearest toilet along with the pieces of Hidan."

With that, he too stomped away.

*snickers*

Itachi looked over at the source of the snickering – Kisame.

"What? You cannot say that that story was not hilarious! I mean, Kakuzu and Hida-" He broke off into a series of sniggering again.

Itachi rolled his now black eyes.

"Who do you think is the seme and uke?" Kisame gasped from his laughing fit.

Itachi just stood and walked away.

"Seriously! Let's make a bet! Wait, what happened to my $50? I bet that Hidan was gay! Hey! Itachi!"

* * *

Pein sighed. Kakuzu had just returned the scroll that Tobi had stolen and had stomped off with threats of dismembering Hidan and Tobi.

He decided to discuss with Konan on the scroll's apparent contents and they were now poring over the white parchment.

Kanji started filling up the space again.

* * *

_A Christmas Celebration_

_A Christmas celebration in the Akatsuki base turns awkward when Tobi is unmasked. Warning: Horror!_

* * *

"Unmasked?" A deep voice sounded from behind the ginger and bluenette. "Horror? Well. Let's see how horrifying things are going to get. Such.. an interesting scroll." A single red eye gleamed from behind an orange mask.

* * *

**A/N: Read and review. All suggestions and criticism accepted. I hope the lines in the story weren't too confusing? Italics means the story in the scroll while normal text mean in the present.  
I might extract all the fanfics within my story to individual stories next time!**


	3. A Christmas Celebration

A/N: I will be writing in accordance to what the manga/anime has revealed so far. For example I will be writing Tobi with the back story of his real identity of Obito and not Madara.

However, in the case of my stories, it happens in an alternate universe where the various members are not dead, obviously, and the whole Fourth Shinobi War is not happening (yet?). Haven't really decided on the whole timeline or whatever. It's my own universe, anything can happen. Enjoy!

* * *

Recap:

_Pein sighed. Kakuzu had just returned the stolen scroll and had stomped off with threats of dismembering Hidan and Tobi._

_He decided to discuss the scroll's apparent contents with Konan and they were now poring over the white parchment._

_Kanji started filling up the scroll again._

* * *

_A Christmas Celebration_

_A Christmas celebration in the Akatsuki base turns awkward when Tobi is unmasked. Warning: Horror!_

* * *

_"Unmasked?" A deep voice sounded from behind the ginger and bluenette. "Horror? Well. Let's see how horrifying things are going to get. Such… an interesting scroll." A single red eye gleamed from behind an orange mask._

-End recap-

* * *

"Well, go on," said Tobi, impatiently urging Konan to continue reading.

* * *

_"JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS JINGLE ALL THE WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" A string of loud, jarring tunes echoed through the hallways of the Akatsuki base._

_Soon enough, frustrated screams and shouts sounded from various rooms._

_"SHUT UP FUCKER! OR I'LL SACRIFICE YOU!"_

_"TOBI I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU EXPLODE, UN!"_

_"I'M GOING TO DROWN YOU AND THEN LET MY SHARKS FEED ON YOU!"_

_"DON'T MAKE ME CLAIM THE PITTANCE OF A BOUNTY THAT IS ON YOUR HEAD!"_

_"I will turn you into a mangled puppet and then use you as firewood."_

_"Hn. Tsukuyomi!"_

_Tobi ran hurriedly away from the vicinity of the Uchiha's room, shouting down the hallway, "BUT SENPAI! IT'S CHRISTMAS! LET'S CELEBRATE!"_

_"IT'S FREAKING 4 IN THE MORNING. FUCK OFF TOBI! AND JASHINISM DOES NOT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS__!__"_

_Tobi fell into quiet blubbering, whimpering about how no one was in the mood for the festive season._

_'Ah ha! Tobi knows what to do! Tobi shall get everyone to party!' With that thought, the orange masked man ran off to the basements__,__ giggling to himself._

* * *

_Daylight came. The various Akatsuki members had awakened from their slumbers and were now slowly making their way into the living room, heavy bags visible under their eyes. No thanks to Tobi who interrupted their sleep with his untimely caroling from hours before._

_As they stepped into the living room, they certainly did not expect to see what had greeted their eyes._

_The entire room was covered in a bursting flurry of festive colours and Christmas foliage._

_They noted holly, ivy, mistletoes (to which they avoided like the plague as all of them made a mental note NOT to walk past under these darned plants with any other members by their side) and decoratively placed Yule logs._

_But hell, what caught their attention was a three-tier cake sitting right in the middle of the room._

_It was massive. White. And it was decorated with mini figurines._

* * *

"When are we going to get to the main point of my unmasking?" Tobi asked in a deep voice, sounding bored.

Konan's eyes leafed through the rest of the story, her eyebrow slightly raised at what she'd seen.

"Soon."

* * *

_Upon closer inspection, they noticed that the figurines were miniature versions of themselves._

_"What is this?" asked Kisame._

_"SENPAI! THIS IS OUR CHRISTMAS CAKE! YAY!" Tobi came bouncing into the room and threw himself at Kisame._

_"Ugh, get off of me!"_

_"This is disgusting. Jashin-sama would not approve!"_

_"No one cares about you or your "God's" approvals Hidan."_

_"OH GO FUCK YOURSELF SASORI!"_

_"Can Sasori –san actually do that? Maybe he can remove his "parts" since he is a puppet! But how will he do it? With his chakra strings and puppet weapons? But where is his part supposed to go? Guys can't do themselves can the- AHHH!" Tobi let out a shout as a twitching Sasori shot a coil of metal rope out of his stomach and curled it around Tobi, preventing the raven from moving and pointing the sharp end at his neck, poison dripping off it._

_"You better hold your tongue before I pull it off!"_

_Deidara smirked, "Danna, do you really remove your parts? Can you even feel anything, hm?"_

_"Shut up brat, or this goes into you. And be warned that no antidote will be available," Sasori threatened, waving the pointed end at the blond._

_Deidara noticed that Tobi was still struggling within the ropes and an idea hit him. His smirk got wider and he walked toward the scuffling one._

_Tobi noticed his senpai walking suspiciously toward him he started struggling harder in an attempt to loosen the ropes, but to no avail._

_"Deidara-senpai! What are you trying to do? Don't come any closer!"_

_Deidara's hand reached forward, his hand mouths seemingly licking their lips in anticipation, for the mask._

_"Noooo! Sasori-san let Tobi go! Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi cried out, his sweaty palms grappling with the ropes. _

_The redhead however, looked mildly interested at Deidara's intentions, as were the other Akatsuki members, and kept his grip on the ropes._

_The hands touched the edges of the mask._

* * *

The orange masked man emanated a sinister aura as the story continued and the single visible eye gleamed, if possible, even redder.

Even Pein seemed a little tense.

The edges of Konan's lips twitched upwards, already knowing what was to come.

* * *

_"YAAAAH! MERRY CHRISTMAS SENPAI!"_

_BOOM!_

* * *

_Deidara blinked._

_He couldn't see anything. He could however hear cackling from where Tobi had stood._

_He wiped his face with one hand and looked at it. Cake. He was covered from top to toe with cake._

_He looked around and noticed that the rest of the members were also covered in white frosting and sponge filling._

_Murderous intents popped up in each members' heads as they realised what happened._

_Itachi's sharingan was whirring, Kakuzu's threads were flailing, Kisame was unravelling the bandages on Samehada and Hidan was drawing a circle on the floor with his blood._

_As for Deidara himself, he had stuck his hands into his pouches and started to prepare some detonating clay._

_They were all glaring at the choking man stuck in a tangle in the puppet master's rope, the latter having gripped him even tighter when he had been splattered with cake._

_"T-Tobi thought that a food fight would m-make everyone get into the festive mood!"_

_Everyone paused in their attacks. Then smirks appeared on every single one of their faces._

_Tobi paused in his struggling._

_Without any hesitation, they jumped._

_"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOO! SENPAI! TOBI IS SORRY! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"_

_Hands reached for his mask and ripped it off._

_The mask fell with a clatter on the floor. Silence filled the room as the members stared at the face unravelled, all at a loss for words._

* * *

The aura surrounding Tobi increased with evil intent and Pein tensed all the more visibly, his forehead creasing in slight disturbance.

* * *

_The person – if you could even call it as that – staring back at them had a grey mottled alien-like face, its eyes black and pupil-less._

* * *

There was a pause.

"What?" Tobi said, wondering for a second if Konan had misread, his murderous aura already vanishing into the air.

"That's what it says," Konan replied nonchalantly.

She continued.

* * *

_Sasori hurriedly released his rope from the creature (?) as it started cackling._

_"Tobi, un?"_

_"Tobi asked senpai not to do it! Tobi did! Tobi was a good boy!" The hyperactive voice remained the same as before, although it seemed to have taken a creepier tinge since the accompanying face freaked them out a little._

_"What the fuck in Jashin are you?!"_

_"Tobi is Tobi! And now everyone will love Tobi! Tobi is a good boy!"_

_The creature started grabbing at them with inhumane speed, planting a huge sucking kiss on their foreheads._

_"UGH!"_

_They rubbed their foreheads in pain as one by one, they fell to their knees._

_Tobi cackled again, spreading his arms above them. "NOW YOU SHALL ALL BE MINE! MINE! YOU ARE NOW TOBI'S SENPAIS! YAY! WE SHALL CONQUER THE WORLD TOGETHER!" he proclaimed and finished off with another cackling fit._

_"Yes. Master Tobi," came emotionless replies from the ninjas at his feet._

_And so, Tobi's horrific plan of the reign of the Shinobi world began._

* * *

"Well. That's it," Konan calmly rolled up the scroll as she looked at the two men who had fallen into a state of silence.

"Tobi?" She prodded.

The masked man leapt up, "AH! TOBI JUST LISTENED TO A REALLY WEIRD STORY! TOBI NEEDS MORE SENPAI TO ERASE THOSE BAD THOUGHTS!"

It seemed that the man had reverted back to his hyperactive persona once he realised that the story contained nothing of concern to his real identity.

He skipped out, in search of his "Deidara-senpai!" "Get away from me, un! Art is a bang!" An explosion rang out throughout the base.

Konan looked at Pein. He glanced at her and said, "Apparently whoever wrote this might not know who Tobi really is. However it seems to know more about us than comforts me. We will need to analyse it more. Could you ask Sasori to check it for any chemicals in case the words are made out of invisible ninja ink or the likes?"

Konan nodded and brought the scroll out with her as another loud explosion rang out along with Tobi's screams.

Pein sighed once again. It was going to be another typical day of turbulence at the base.

* * *

Sasori looked up from his workbench from his puppet making as Konan walked in.

"Leader wishes for you to analyse this for any traces of ninja ink or anything that might be chemical or toxin-based."

Sasori took the scroll from her hands and unrolled it.

* * *

_Sweet Melody_

_A songfic about the true love of the Akatsuki members. Major OOC. Possible OC._

* * *

"What's OC and OOC?" asked Konan.

Sasori shook his head, "Perhaps we might understand the terms more if we read on."

"Perhaps. And..true love?"

Sasori shrugged, "Let's find out."

* * *

A/N: Talk about a total crackfic eh? Teehee! Did you like it? Leave a review! Have a wonderful holiday and see you next chapter! :) Many thanks to bornfreeonekiss, riptocs and eclipsed flower for beta help!


	4. Sweet Melody

A/N: I do not own Naruto or Break Your Heart. I do however own the fic within this fic.

I decided to use Pein instead of Pain so it will be easier to differentiate the name and noun rather than seeing the words Pain and pain confuse each other.

* * *

Recap:

_Sasori looked up from his workbench from his puppet making as Konan walked in._

_"Leader wishes for you to analyse this for any traces of ninja ink or anything that might be chemical or toxin-based."_

_Sasori took the scroll from her hands and unrolled it._

* * *

_Sweet Melody_

_A songfic about the true love of the Akatsuki members. Major OOC. Possible OC._

* * *

_"What are OC and OOC?" asked Konan._

_Sasori shook his head, "Perhaps we might understand the terms more if we read on."_

_"Perhaps. And...True love?"_

_Sasori shrugged, "Let's find out."_

-End recap-

* * *

_The blue-haired Kunoichi panted._

_Damn those men. They always exhausted her after every session._

_She was now all hot and bothered; she limped toward her room, her body aching and she badly wanted a shower to wash all evidence of the day away._

* * *

"Kinky, (un)" two people spoke up at the same time.

Sasori and Konan looked up from their reading and found Itachi, Deidara and Hidan in the doorway.

Two of them had sleazy smirks on their faces. No points for guessing who.

"Get lost Hidan. Go away brat."

"But danna, we want to hear what's going on, yeah! Sounds like something's going down, un!"

"Oh something is going down alright, and it will be your head if you don't leave my workroom now!"

"Stuff it wood wanker, we are staying to hear some sexy shit whether you like it or not."

"Why aren't you chasing the Uchiha away, un?"

"Because he is the only one who is thinking appropriately among you three. And Hidan?"

"What."

Before Hidan knew it, he was face-to-face with the menacing face of the Third Kazekage puppet, its claw blades already extended and dripping with poison. He paled a little, his hands inching towards the scythe on his back.

Konan interrupted, "Guys please. Sasori, put your weapon away. Hidan and Deidara, you may stay but no comments," she raised a finger at them as a sign of warning. "Itachi, you may stay as well."

Sasori sealed his puppet back into a scroll while the 3 men sat down on the benches. Deidara snickered while Hidan glowered at the redhead.

"Now we continue, if you would, Sasori."

"Yea! I wanna hear more about the exhausted bitch! She sounded like she was in heat!"

Hidan shut up after receiving a glare from Konan.

* * *

_As she got into the shower, she thought about how she got into this situation in the first place._

_She shouldn't have started it, now she was being punished for it. Goddamn clingy men._

* * *

_-24 hours ago-_

_Konan-_

* * *

"Konan?"

"It's about the Akatsuki, Hidan. There aren't that many blue haired women around. Now, keep quiet and try to wrap your little head around this new revelation," Sasori said testily.

* * *

_Konan-_

* * *

"You already said Konan! Quit repeating it!" snapped Hidan, just realising that Sasori had insulted him with his previous response.

Deidara jumped on his back bashing him everywhere with a clay sculpture while Itachi, still sitting perfectly, boredly high-kicked Hidan in the groin while the man himself was struggling to get away from the bomb artist.

"QUIT. INTERRUPTING. THE. STORY. WITH YOUR IDIOCY!" Deidara added repeated bashes on the head with every word.

"What the fuck?! Gerroffa me Deidara you freak!" Hidan's pained and muffled voice sounded from beneath Deidara. "Fucking Uchiha!" he groaned as Itachi casually kicked him again.

Konan and Sasori sighed.

Konan glanced over at Sasori and he nodded.

"HEY! WHAT IS GOING ON, UN?"

"FUCK!"

_SLAM!_

There came banging on the locked door from the hallway, where the blond bomber and the religious immortal were now angrily making loud threats after they were kicked out by Sasori, who had controlled their movements with his chakra threads.

Ignoring them, Sasori continued the story.

* * *

_Konan was observing._

_She was bored of the daily mundane routines of their organisation and wanted some excitement._

_She glanced at each Akatsuki member going about their own business. She started noticing that each man was not at all bad-looking._

_Too bad she wasn't interested in men._

* * *

"Stop staring, Itachi."

The sharingan master had been staring at her with slightly raised brows when her sexual orientation had been mentioned.

"It's just a story. Let's just continue. No more interruptions."

Itachi shrugged and looked back expectantly at Sasori.

* * *

_She was curious as to how the men would react had they the full attention of a woman though._

_A sneaky thought came to her. She wondered if she had what it took to mess around with their minds. And thus began her planning._

* * *

A/N: Please feel free to listen to the song while reading this.  
I am using the **non**-remixed version (The remix version featured rap, the original doesn't)  
YouTube: /watch?gl=SG&hl=en-GB&v=Lr4qBNYJmV8

* * *

**_Now listen to me baby_**

**_Before I love and leave you_**

_Listen._

_"Hey Itachi."_

_"Hn."_

_It was quite remarkable. Only a few could gain any acknowledgement from the silent man and Konan was glad that he had responded._

_He continued polishing his weapons; he had always taken great care of his equipment._

_'Heck, I'll just go for it,' Konan firmly decided._

_She grabbed Itachi's face and turned it towards her. _

_"Fascinating," she said dreamily. "I've been looking at your eyes all day long, 'cause I've never seen such dark eyes with so much light in them."_

_He gave a look of surprise before frowning._

_"Konan?"_

_"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love; but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love; to be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy; therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."_

_She kissed him softly on the cheek and exited the room, leaving a stunned and confused Uchiha behind._

* * *

**_They call me heart breaker_**

**_I don't wanna deceive you_**

_Deceit._

_Konan went into the next room. _

_Making sure that the man in it had noticed her presence, she walked straight past him and smacked into the wall._

_He caught her as she fell backwards._

_"What's wrong with you? For a ninja you seem to be a little off. You just ran straight into the wall!"_

_Konan blinked, staring right into the blue man's eyes, "I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there."_

_Kisame peered down, for he was a very tall man, at her confusedly._

_"So blue," she sighed as she caressed his arm._

_She placed her hands on his shoulders._

_"Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings."_

_She rubbed his shoulders tenderly, kissed him on the cheek, and then left the room once again, leaving a man who was very much disoriented._

* * *

**_If you fall for me_**

**_I'm not easy to please_**

_Falling._

_"Kakuzu, can I borrow a quarter? _

_"What for?"_

_" I want to call Leader and tell him that I just met the man of my dreams."_

_"Who?"_

_"I'm mortified, petrified, stupefied by you. Why torture myself when life will do it for me? Who said that? I did! Go ahead and quote me."_

_Kakuzu furrowed his brows in bemusement._

_"Give me a dollar."_

_The miser, staring at her weirdly, handed her a dollar bill._

_Konan put it on her head._

_"What did you do that for?"_

_"It's all you can eat under a dollar!" She said in a sultry voice and added a seductive wink._

_Kakuzu looked a little unnerved as she plucked the bill off her head, returned it to him with a curtsey and left the room with a skip._

* * *

**_I might tear you apart_**

**_Told you from the start, baby, from the start_**

_Torn._

_Konan wandered into the garden._

_"Hey Zetsu," she had spotted the two-coloured man._

_"Hi. __**What do you want?"**_

**_"_**_I had wanted to get some sun. But now," Konan paused, placing her palms over her heart, "I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world."_

_The plant man stared at her._

_"Konan? __**She's acting funny. **__Are you ill? __**She's probably a fake. **__Oh hush, we would have noticed the difference in chakra. __**Well, it's weird. Can I eat her? **__No you can't."_

_He was about to continue his split personality conversation when Konan sighed dreamily._

_She waved her hands around, "Such a pretty place. If we shared a garden, I'd put my tulips and your tulips together." She said while placing her fingertips wistfully on her lips, looking deep in thought. (tulips = two lips)_

_She then turned on her heels and walked off as the cannibal continued debating her sanity._

* * *

**_I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart_**

**_I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart_**

**_I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart_**

**_I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart_**

_The four men from before had tracked her down._

_"Yes?" she asked them with innocent eyes._

_"We demand to know what is up with you," said Kisame._

_"Yes. You have been acting __**stupidly. **__We meant to say funny. __**Like that is any better.**__ Shh."_

_ "You winked at me. Winked, Konan, winked."_

_"Yes, __**emphasis on the wink."**_

_"I PUT the emphasis on the wink," Kakuzu said annoyed._

_"Hn."_

_"Guys, quit it. I just can't do this," Konan sighed._

_Baffled, the blue man asked what she couldn't do._

_"I can't play around anymore. I like you all very much. Each and every single one of you. Heck, love even. But... I just can't decide which one of you I love the most."_

_The men had "what the hell" looks on their faces. Yes even the ones who often kept their faces wiped clean of emotions._

_Konan could barely contain her laughter, but she bit down on her lip and gave them a coy look._

_She shyly kissed them each once on the cheeks, "Sorry boys, maybe next time."_

_Then she left them behind, in search of more minds to mess with, missing the hint of blushes in the men behind. Even Kisame had turned a little purple, the red mixing with his blue skin._

* * *

**_There's no point trying to hide it_**

**_No point trying to evade it_**

_Hidden._

_"Sasori!"_

_The man looked around. He had been trying to find good wood in the forest for his art._

_"What is it Konan?"_

_The bluenette placed a hand on where she knew the only real part of him was located – his chest, where the cylindrical container that held his heart was situated._

_He shifted, feeling a little discomfited at her actions._

_"Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable..." she said sadly._

_He squinted his eyes, wondering what she was talking about._

_"A heart can be broken; but it keeps beating just the same."_

_"What are you on and can I have it? I want to drug the brat with it and dump him on Tobi," Sasori seemed to have overcome his initial discomfort and was adopting an indifferent tone._

_Konan huffed a little and decided to be direct. She leaned towards him slightly, looking into his brown eyes, "I have an "owie" on my lip. Will you kiss it and make it better?"_

_He looked startled at her words. He might even have blushed if he could._

_She made another decision to take it further, "My beaver is bored and wants to play, do you have any wood for my beaver today?" she breathed._

_Her lips hovered slightly over his but not touching. He stepped back a little, she followed._

_"Konan."_

_She gave a small sad smile and then walked away._

* * *

**_I know I got a problem_**

**_Problem with misbehaving_**

_Misbehaviour._

_She spotted the flash of blond outside the base, the said man was digging around the earth collecting clay for his explosive art._

_"Dei!" She ran straight at him._

_"Huh? Konan un? Oof!" She had jumped into his arms._

_So there they were standing in an awkward half hug._

_She pushed his bangs out of the way. He wasn't wearing his battle eyescope._

_She gazed into his eyes._

_"Do you remember Ninja Crayons? They used to have this colour...Blizzard Blue. It was my favourite colour and I could never figure out why. But I just realized why, your eyes...Blizzard Blue."_

_"What are you-"_

_"Your eyes are blue, like the ocean, and baby I'm lost at sea!"_

_Deidara seemed at a loss for words._

_"By the way, I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back."_

_"What? Is it Danna, un? Art is not eternal! Art is an explosion, yeah!"_

_"No. They usually say, 'Nice ass!'"_

_She smacked him on the butt, "Attaboy!" then left him flabbergasted and to his consternation._

* * *

**_If you fall for me_**

**_I'm not easy to please_**

_Pleasing._

_Her plan was so much fun so far! The mischievous Kunoichi had a sparkle in her eye as she went toward the kitchen next. She knew the religious man was in there._

_She found him devouring food like a wild animal, she could have sworn he was actually grunting and howling while he ate._

_"Hidan?"_

_"Umf?" he grunted._

_"Are you a burger?"_

_"Hnuh?"_

_"Cause you can be the meat between my buns."_

_*plop*_

_She held in a giggle as a wad of food dropped out of Hidan's open mouth as he stared at her agog._

_She went around the table, pushed his body back and sat on his lap sideways so it looked as if she was sitting bridal style._

_She ran a gloved hand over his jaw. _

_"It's a good thing I wore my gloves today; otherwise, you'd be too hot to handle."_

_Hidan seem to have recovered quickly and wrapped an arm around her shoulders._

_"Well dang, babe! About time you noticed my hotness!"_

_"Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?"_

_"I'd be happy to keep you awake all night."_

_"If you were a booger I would pick you first."_

_Hidan's nose wrinkled a little, "I'm feeling a little less flattered hotstuff. Although first pick works just fine."_

_"My love for you is like diarrhoea, I just can't hold it in!" she said with a flourish of her arms._

_She then leapt up from his lap and ran out of the kitchen while laughing maniacally, leaving the man looking a little appalled and perplexed._

* * *

**_I might tear you apart_**

**_Told you from the start, baby from the start_**

_Right from the start._

_"Pein!"_

_"Konan?"_

_"I just went into the kitchen to get a glass of water!"_

_Pein shot her a questioning look._

_"Cause baby, you were making me hot!"_

_Pein's eyes narrowed, "Konan, you do realise you are not actually talking to Yahiko."_

_"I know. If I could reach out and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, I'd hold the sky in the palm of my hand."_

_Pein looked disconcerted. He wasn't sure how to respond. He seemed a little doubtful, as Konan and Yahiko always had a thing since they were young._

_"Bye Nagato!" She tiptoed and landed a quick peck on his forehead before running the hell out of the room. She had not thought through the plan for Pein thoroughly._

* * *

"Yahiko? Nagato?" Sasori paused in his reading to look questioningly at Konan who had tensed a little at hearing their names.

Itachi was also watching them.

Konan shifted nervously, "I don't know. Maybe the author put random characters in their story."

"Huh." Sasori looked at her for a moment before continuing.

* * *

**_I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart_**

**_I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart_**

**_I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart_**

**_I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart_**

_Konan was eating her meal when the four men found her._

_"Konan, we need to know what is up with you," Sasori demanded._

_"Bitch! You can't just get a guy up and leave him talking about shit literally!"_

_"Yeah, un! You can't just disrupt everything!"_

_"Speak, Konan."_

_*shatter* The tinkling of broken porcelain rang through the room._

_The men looked at the blue-haired woman trembling in front of them. Her hands were covering her face._

_"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to! I just love each of you so very much, I tried to resist but I unknowingly created chaos! I'm so sorry! This will never happen again!"_

_Letting a few tears fall from her eyes, she ran out of the room with loud sobs, though hiding a smile beneath her hands the entire time. She missed the distressed looks on the men she had left behind._

* * *

**_And I know karma's gonna get me back for being so cold_**

**_Like a big bad wolf, I'm born to be bad and bad to the bone_**

**_If you fall for me, I'm only gonna tear you apart_**

**_Told you from the start_**

_Karma._

_This was definitely karma._

_She had wanted to play around with them and somehow they must have found out._

_Each and every single one of them had since that day, constantly pestered her to train with them. She probably had trained with each man at least 5 times now._

_She was battered and bruised._

_But she didn't know._

_**I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart**_

_She didn't know that each of the men had a small blush on their cheeks whenever they made contact in battle._

_**I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart**_

_She didn't realise that they always caught her when she fell over in their attacks._

_**I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart**_

_She didn't know that they were refilling all the first aid kits for her and loved it when she dressed their wounds and only gave her light bruises so that they could attend to her._

_**I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart**_

_She didn't know that each man loved her wholly with their beings and would do anything to prevent her heart wrenching and heart-breaking cries in front of them as she had done before._

* * *

_Back in the shower, Konan sighed as she washed away the sweat and grime from her training sessions._

_She blamed herself for messing with karmic spirits. She started singing in the shower:_

_I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart_

_I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart_

_I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart_

_I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart..._

_A/N: I decided against using an OC!_

* * *

Sasori, finished with his reading, put down the scroll.

"Well. Quite the heartbreaker aren't you you flirt!" Hidan's voice echoed from the other side of the door.

"SUCH CHEESY PICK-UP LINES KONAN, YEAH!"

Apparently the duo had decided to stay and listen to the story through the door.

Sasori sighed and looked at Konan.

The bluenette had an emotionless look on her face.

Itachi suddenly stood up.

He walked over to the door, paused, and looked over his shoulders.

"I must tell you in advance that a confusing love quote would not really get me to fall irrevocably in love with you." With that, he pulled open the door, letting the two outside crash inwards with laughter, and exited the room.

Konan let out an exasperated sigh and looked over at the two laughing heartily on the floor and then at Sasori, who now wore a smirk on his face.

"Your beaver needs some wood?"

The blond and silver haired man whose laughter were dying down renewed with roaring gusto.

"C-can't wait to tell the r-rest about this! F-fucking hilarious!" gasped Hidan.

Konan rolled her eyes, "Just get to analysing Sasori! And find out what OC/OOC/AN means!" then stomped out, but not before kicking the two on the floor where it hurt.

Now they were gasping in pain rather than laughter.

Sasori shook his head at them, using his chakra threads to dump them out once again amidst vulgarity spouting before he finally locked the door and started to analyse the scroll.

* * *

Later that night, Sasori stepped into the dining room with the scroll to find Konan with an annoyed look on her face.

"Hidan and Deidara have been spreading the story around the base. Kisame was very amused and constantly badgered me about his angelic shoulder blades," she gave in response to his raised eyebrow.

"It was rather amusing," Sasori prodded.

"I suppose it was," she sighed and conceded reluctantly.

"Anyway I have analysed the scroll and found no trace of any ninja used artifacts, poison, chemicals, toxins etcetera," said Sasori.

"However I have found out that OC means original character, OOC means out of character and A/N means author's note.

Apparently the stories in the scroll are based on a canon story of us which has spawned thousands of fans who write those fanfiction about us."

"Canon story? You mean there is an actual story of our lives somewhere?"

"It would explain how the fans know so much about us, but I am unsure as to how they know even the most hidden secrets about each of us so well."

"Pein will want to know more about this."

Sasori nodded, "I have also found a story that is of interest, I would like to consult Pein if he wishes for us to read it together. " He then showed her a glimpse of the story and she agreed.

* * *

_Kazekage Rescue Arc: Akasuna no Sasori_

_A recap of one of our favourite redheads' final moments._

_Two Akatsuki members, Deidara and Sasori capture one-tailed Jinchuriki Gaara, the Fifth Kazekage. After the sealing, Sasori is faced with his grandmother Chiyo and Konoha kunoichi Sakura. Spoiler warning: Sasori's death._

* * *

A/N: WOW. THIS CHAPTER WAS SO LONG! More than 12 pages!

So did you watch the Akatsuki episode of Rock Lee and his Ninja Pals? Hilarious wasn't it? I laughed the hell out of myself at Pain. XD Hidan was comedic too!

I had fun researching on cheesy pick-up lines for this story! There was a list of number of times a line was used and its successes, I saw one that god I hope the number of successes stays zero. 'Your name must be Mickey because you're so fine. ' 'DAT CHEESY LINE.

Anyway, it wasn't much of a songfic, but I liked the story parts, hope you did too! Leave a review!

Response to previous reviews:

The Phantom Dragon – Um? If you were referring to the bounty claims office, I was basing it on the one that the two had visited in the original anime where they fought with Asuma & Shikamaru. It was located in the toilets as well. I think that it was still within the Fire Country/Land of Fire though.

DarkBlackHeart – Thank you for your encouragement! I'll try to produce even better work!


	5. Akasuna no Sasori

A/N: The story within my fic today will not be actually fanfiction, but the actual real happenings of the manga/anime. Enjoy!

I do not own Naruto.

* * *

_Recap:_

_Sasori nodded, "I have also found a story that is of interest, I would like to consult Pein if he wishes for us to read it together." He then showed her a glimpse of the story and she agreed._

* * *

_Kazekage Rescue Arc: Akasuna no Sasori_

_A recap of one of our favourite redheads' last moments._

_Two Akatsuki members, Deidara and Sasori capture one-tailed Jinchuriki Gaara, the Fifth Kazekage. After the sealing, Sasori is faced with his grandmother Chiyo and Konoha kunoichi Sakura. Spoiler warning: Sasori's death._

_-End recap-_

* * *

Sasori scowled.

He had known that Pein would be interested in the story which he had found but he certainly had not expected the Leader to gather up the entire Akatsuki. He wasn't sure what the story contained, but he didn't feel like letting the entire group know anything about him, especially not if he were to end up dying. Well in the story anyway.

The rest of the idiots were sitting around Leader's office while he himself was leaning against the wall in a corner. Pein would be the one reading from the scroll this time.

Deidara had been a little sulky after knowing that his "danna" was going to die in the story and was muttering to himself about "stupid eternal art", occasionally snapping at Tobi's attempts to latch onto his senpai.

Hidan and Kakuzu were getting into one of their fights again while Kisame, Itachi, Zetsu and Konan were calmly scattered about the room waiting for Pein to start.

"Listen."

Everyone in the room fell into a silence.

"We are about to read a supposed fiction of Sasori's death. I want all of you to pay attention in case this is an actual planned attempt to attack us."

With that, he began.

* * *

_Once they removed the tag seals to open the Akatsuki lair's entrance, Team Guy was individually ambushed and attacked by exact clones of themselves._

* * *

"Wait, how did they find our base's location?" asked Konan.

"Don't know."

"Who is **Guy**?" asked Zetsu.

"Don't care."

"Can we go on a mission to Konoha to find out who Guy is?" asked Kisame

"Don't count on it."

"It might be Might Guy, a taijitsu expert in Konoha," Itachi inputted.

"…" Pein pondered upon the titbit of information, nodded at Itachi and filed it away in his mind for further research.

* * *

_Inside the lair, Deidara angers Naruto by announcing Gaara's death._

* * *

"Who the fuck is Gaara?" asked Hidan.

"The Fifth Kazekage."

"But the Fourth's still alive!" Kisame exclaimed.

"Yes."

"Then why is it the Fifth now? Tobi doesn't understand! And Tobi is a good boy!"

Pein lost his patience.

"IT'S A STORY. QUIT ASKING QUESTIONS THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE ANSWERS TO!"

Their faces scrunched up in a mixture of emotions. Hidan's in annoyance, Kisame's in confusion and Tobi muttered to himself gloomily.

Pein continued.

* * *

_Kakashi tells Naruto to calm down._

* * *

"Hatake Kakashi and the nine-tailed Jinchuriki?" questioned Itachi.

"Apparently," Pein huffed angrily.

* * *

_After Deidara and Sasori get into an argument about what art truly is, Deidara takes Gaara's body away within a clay bird as bait, forcing Naruto and Kakashi to follow him._

_Sakura and Chiyo had remained behind to battle Chiyo's grandson, Sasori._

* * *

"Danna has a grandmother and never mentioned it, un!"

"I don't need to report my entire life story to you, brat."

"But we are partners, un!"

"Deidara-senpai! Tobi is your partner too!"

"Go away, yeah!"

"I will kick all of you out if you don't shut up!" Pein threatened, his dark eyes flashing signs of warning.

They all fell silent again.

* * *

_Chiyo explains to Sakura that Sasori used to be one of the best puppeteers in Sunagakure, but he left the village after he started making puppets out of humans._

_Chiyo also reveals that Sasori's true body is hidden within his favourite puppet, Hiruko, and the only way to kill Sasori was to first destroy that puppet._

_Chiyo and Sakura are able to dodge Sasori's poison-laced attacks and successfully demolish the puppet using Sakura's strength after a long battle._

_Sasori then emerges from the puppet's remains._

_Just outside, Deidara begins telling Naruto and Kakashi how much stronger Sasori is compared to himself._

* * *

"Unfortunately, I have to agree, un," pouted Deidara.

He mimed a silent zip over his mouth as Pein shot him a glare.

* * *

_With his puppet destroyed, Sasori reveals himself to Chiyo and Sakura, looking no older than when he left his village over twenty years ago._

* * *

"What the fuck? The puppet bitch is an old dude?"

Screams of pain filled the room as multiple kunais flew across the room and shouts of "Idiot", "Moron, un" and "Baka" joined them.

Hidan's dismembered limbs lay around him in a pool of blood as his head was screaming off pained insults.

"Kakuzu, gag him."

"FUCK YOU ALL BITCHES! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS HURTS?! FUCKITY FUCK FU-MPFH!"

Hidan continued to shout muffled insults, although none were identifiable, and soon his voice quickly quietened down into nothing, purely out of fear as Pein aimed a kick and Hidan's head flew and hit the wall.

* * *

_Meanwhile, Temari's team, along with Kankuro and Ebizo, continue to make their way towards the Land of Rivers, where Ebizo tells the others of the strongest ninja in Sunagakure's history, the Third Kazekage, and his mysterious disappearance._

_Back in the Akatsuki lair, Sasori summons the Third Kazekage puppet, whom he had kidnapped and turned into a Human Puppet many years ago, throwing Chiyo into a stupefied state of mind._

_Using its weapons, which are even more dangerous than Hiruko's, Sasori is able to catch Sakura in a cloud of poisonous gas._

* * *

"Kill the Konoha bitc-MMMMFH!" Deidara's angry rant was interrupted as his words were stifled by Kakuzu and his threads, the latter already seeing Pein's dark aura increase with murderous intent.

* * *

_Sakura manages to escape the poison gas cloud by using an explosive scroll on herself._

_Chiyo calls forth the "Mother" and "Father" puppets that Sasori had modelled out of his dead parents as a child, to fight him with._

* * *

Sasori's eye twitched a little upon hearing about his dead parents.

* * *

_They manage to hold down the Third Kazekage for a while until Sasori releases the Third's secret technique: Iron Sand._

_The Third Kazekage, being a Human Puppet, is built to retain the chakra the body once had when it was alive, allowing the Third to use his special Iron Sand techniques._

_The Iron Sand clogs the mechanism in the "Mother" and "Father" puppets, as well as Chiyo's right puppet arm._

_Chiyo remembers the time back then, when Sasori was just a child who created the "Mother" and "Father" puppets in an attempt to get parental love._

* * *

_-flashback-_

_A young Sasori was staring at a photograph._

_A smiling couple holding a baby was pictured._

_Chiyo remembered the day it was taken. She looked upon the couple with a smile as the photographer prepared the camera. They were smiling and coddling the small redhead infant. _

_After the picture was taken, the couple handed the baby to Chiyo, smiling goodbye to the little one._

_Then the two of them took off._

* * *

_"I-impossible!" Chiyo fell to her knees, tears trickling down her cheeks._

_She had just been informed of the couple's death._

_At home, she watched an older Sasori staring out of the window, gazing into the sunset._

* * *

_Walking on the streets, Chiyo and Sasori encountered a child who was crying from a fall._

_Sasori had stopped to watch as the child's parents carried and comforted him._

_Chiyo noticed a downcast look of longing in his eyes as the child and his parents walked away, their blissful laughter ringing in the air._

_"Sasori," Chiyo, sensing the younger's masked emotions, wanted to speak to him about it._

_Sasori looked up at Chiyo and the latter braced herself for what the boy was about to say. But what Sasori said next broke her heart._

_"Granny Chiyo, please buy me some snacks on the way back."_

_She had agreed then, but as they walked home, she could not help but silently watch the young boy's forlorn back, a feeling of helplessness creeping up onto her._

* * *

_Once home, Sasori sat on his bed, staring at the family photo in his hands sadly._

_Chiyo surprised him with some miniature puppets and cheered him up. She had decided to teach him about the Puppet Master Jutsu and advised him to create his own puppet. _

_When Chiyo attempted to cheer him up by teaching him puppetry at age five, Sasori's innate aptitude for the art became apparent, and he even began to devise masterful ways of eliminating a puppet master's weaknesses in battle._

_His skills even allowed him to create two puppets in the image of his parents in an attempt to numb out the agonizing loneliness he felt._

* * *

_Checking on him in bed that night, she was mildly shocked to find the child sleeping in between the two puppets._

_As the days passed, she observed Sasori controlling the 2 puppets with chakra threads to hold him in their embrace. As if emulating a parent's love._

_But a lie can't live forever. One day, the chakra threads snapped, sending the two puppets falling onto the ground, bits broken and unmoving. The young Sasori had merely stood there, his sad eyes staring at the broken puppets. He knew that he was just trying to replace his parents with something that isn't real. He knew that these puppets would never be able to give him the real parental love he had always yearned for all along. He knew that he was just trying to cover up the reality with a short-lived dream he had fabricated himself._

_-end flashback-_

* * *

Pein's reading voice became a little louder and Sasori started a little from his trance.

Sasori was perturbed to realise that he had somehow been absorbed into the flashback scene as well, and had been recalling the entire scene from his childhood.

His puppet self should not contain any emotions. Emotions made one weak. His pursuit for eternal art had led him to create this wooden, emotionless body and should not have been affected.

* * *

_Chiyo uses a willing Sakura as a puppet, and has her dodge the Iron Sand techniques to get close to Sasori._

_Sasori attacks with an Iron Sand pyramid and prism, but Sakura is able to fend them off, causing the cave in the lair to fall._

_Sasori then uses the Iron Sand to create a makeshift globe-model out of randomly growing spikes of iron, one of which hits Sakura and paralyzes her with poison._

_With one last attack from the Third Kazekage puppet, Sasori attempts to kill the seemingly helpless Sakura, only to discover that Sakura is somehow immune to his poison and she destroys the Third Kazekage puppet with a single punch._

* * *

Sasori was surprised, although he did not show it.

A girl was going to able to defeat his secret weapon? How? Who was she? How was she able to counter his poison? Even the best poison masters had not been able to do it.

Sasori noted that creating the antidote requires extreme precision, with no room for failure, something difficult even for himself.

* * *

_Sakura reveals to Sasori that she had taken an antidote to his poison that she brought with her._

_Sakura and Chiyo ready themselves for the battle with Sasori, who reveals the reason behind his eternal youth: he had transformed himself into a human puppet._

_Sakura and Chiyo continue the battle with Sasori, who overwhelms them initially._

_Sakura manages to later destroy Sasori's puppet body, but he reforms himself. Seeing this, Chiyo summons the Ten Puppets of Chikamatsu, which Sasori counters with his One Hundred Puppet Manipulation Jutsu._

_Sakura and Chiyo, with the help of her Ten Puppets seem to trap and defeat Sasori, but, under the cover of the battle, Sasori secretly transfers the only living part of his body - his heart - into another puppet, and tries to attack Chiyo from behind._

_Sakura notices this and intercedes, causing Sasori to stab her through her torso._

_Chiyo injects the last remaining antidote into Sakura, and finally kills Sasori by stabbing him through his heart using the "Father" and "Mother" puppets._

* * *

Sasori ignored the gasp of anger from the gagged Deidara and focused on Pein. The story had somehow started to seem…almost plausible to him.

* * *

_With Sasori immobilized, Chiyo revives the nearly-dead Sakura using her Resurrection Technique._

_As he dies, Sasori tells Sakura where he had planned to meet with one of his spies, who had been secretly working as one of his former Akatsuki partner, Orochimaru's subordinates._

_When Sasori died, Chiyo implied that Sasori could have avoided her last attack, but he deliberately allowed himself to be killed. Thus, it seemed as if Sasori chose to die in the loving embrace of his "parents" rather than to kill his grandmother._

* * *

"You have a spy with Orochimaru, Sasori?" Pein glanced at the silent redhead as he finished the story.

Sasori shrugged, deciding to play ignorant.

"Aww, wittle Sasori misses his chichi and haha!" Kisame teased.

Sasori stared at the blue man, the expression on his face unreadable.

"There's no way that this story is some kind of planned attack, un!" Kakuzu had ungagged the two men once the story had ended.

"Even the emotionless puppet bitch wouldn't let himself die at the hands of his fake parents!" Hidan chimed in.

"Sasori danna would never allow himself to be killed deliberately! Right danna?"

Sasori remained silent, musing on what the Akatsuki members had said as Deidara continued his rant of "weird stories". Would he? A day ago he would have scorned at the thought of it. Now? He wasn't so sure anymore. He knew his grandmother was someone not to belittle and he didn't want to think about his parents. He was however, certain that he was interested in the girl in the story named Sakura. Perhaps a little research wouldn't hurt…

* * *

Pein looked upon the rest of his criminal organisation as Sasori left the room having mentioned something about being in the library.

Tobi was back at pestering Deidara, Hidan was cussing and begging Kakuzu to put him back together, Itachi and Kisame were deep in discussion, probably about the meaning of life, and Konan and Zetsu were just waiting around.

Pein sighed.

"Another story then?"

All of them distracted from their conversations, agreed.

They all watched as the white parchment automatically refreshed itself with writing, as if understanding their intentions.

* * *

_Feline Madness – Chapter 1_

_The Akatsuki turn up in the real world as kittens and end up living with me! Rated T because Hidan talks. _

* * *

-End of Chapter-

A/N: Not so much hilarity in this, but don't you just miss Sasori? :( Go rewatch his fights! Many thanks to bornfreeonekiss for her timeless beta help.

Response to reviews:

Simgr101: Thank you! Will try to do even better!

Isella of the wolf tribe: Thanks! :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!

udntned2no: Thank you for your compliments and suggestions! Will definitely use them in future chapters!

The Phantom Dragon: I'm glad I managed to make someone laugh with my attempts! I hope this continues! Not sure if it's a good thing your brain shut down halfway though. Thank you for supporting! Uchihacest is definitely a topic that will be discussed by them sometime in the future chapters ;)


	6. Feline Madness 1

_A/N: I WOULD LIKE TO DRAW YOUR ATTENTION TO THE WONDERFUL STORY IMAGE ON THE TOP LEFT OF THIS PAGE. Isn't it awesomely cute? Many thanks to bornfreeonekiss, also my beta, for the simple yet beautiful image! She by the way, has taken a liking to Tobi. *stage whisper – SHE HAS NO IDEA WHO HE IS*_

_Food poisoning's a bitch! :( I got sick and the previous chapter wasn't much of a laugh, so here, I grant you another chapter!_

_Oh, another note, please try not to skip chapters, their reactions and responses to various fanfics would contribute to the overall fanfiction. And on that note,_

_I do not own Naruto._

* * *

_Recap: (read the damn author's note up there!)_

_Pein sighed._

_"Another story then?"_

_All of them distracted from their conversations, agreed. _

_They all watched as the white parchment automatically refreshed itself with writing, as if understanding their intentions._

* * *

_Feline Madness – Chapter 1_

_The Akatsuki turn up in the real world as kittens and end up living with me! Rated T because Hidan talks._

_-end recap- (did you read the author's note?)_

* * *

"**Real** world?"

"Why the hell do those shithead authors keep picking on my language?!"

"Who's "me", un?"

"Tobi will be a cute and good kitty! Tobi is a good boy!"

Pein gave up on reading, tossing the scroll over to Itachi, who caught it deftly, and commanded him to read it.

* * *

_Hi, my name is Yume, it means dreams._

* * *

Hidan was about to comment that he knew what the name meant but a flash of the Uchiha's bloodline limit hushed him.

Pein smirked to himself, knowing that he had chosen the right reader but then frowned wondering about his leader authority._ (So bipolar, LOL imagine him sitting in one corner smirking and frowning to himself, sorry random input.)_

* * *

_I live in America, in my own house; my parents have allowed me to live with my best friend, Cyndi, where we go to high school together._

_I was walking home alone one day, for Cyndi had school council activities. Unexpectedly, I found a large box sitting on the doorstep. I wondered briefly if Cyndi had ordered more anime merchandise, since she was a total otaku._

_I opened the box and was greeted with 10 pairs of eyes. Kitty eyes. There were 10 kittens in the box! I was wondering who might have left them there. But being the cat-lady I was, I could not help but gush over how cute they looked, albeit a little strangely coloured._

_There was a large blue kitty, a large dark brown one with stitch-like marks, a yellow-blond one, a black with reddish looking eyes, a red with a small circle on its chest, a ginger with spots on its face, another black one with a spiral-patterned orange face, an half-split black-white one, and a smaller blue kitty. Oh, and a silver one which was spitting at me furiously._

* * *

"Look! Tobi's in it! Tobi's in it! Tobi is a good boy!"

* * *

_I picked up the blond one and hugged it. "So cute!" I squealed in delight. It seemed a little shell-shocked at my hug and I giggled, putting it back in the box. "Ouch!" The silver one had swiped its claws at my hand. _

_"Bad kitty! If you don't behave, Jashin-sama will punish you!" I chided it softly._

_I carried the box in, oblivious to the little kitty stroke the silver one was having. Bringing them to the living room, I let them out one by one. They didn't seem to want to explore and just observed their environment warily. "Go on! Explore all you want!" I assured them. As though the kitties understood what I was saying, some of them began to walk around._

_I went into the kitchen and the silver one trailed along behind me. I decided to prepare some food for the little things. The silver one suddenly got all excited upon seeing the ham I had just gotten out from the fridge. "You hungry little one?" To my surprise, it nodded._

_I sliced some pieces for it and placed it on a small plate. It pounced on the plate and wolfed it down. "Wow, quite the eater aren't you?" I scratched it behind the ears and it purred._

* * *

"Is she hot?"

Everyone looked at Hidan questioningly.

"I mean, I wouldn't purr if the lady weren't hot."

Everyone rolled their eyes.

"I mean come on! Even the blond got some!"

"It was just a hug, un! And she thinks I'm a kitten! WHY AM I A CAT, UN?!"

"**That's what I-** we would like to know too."

"With any luck, it's probably the old fart Kakuzu's fault."

"How would it be my fault?"

"You probably transformed us into cats and sold us to some strange foreign land for money you pimp!"

"Why would I sell myself then?"

"Like I said, you're a pimp! You would do anything for money!"

"I value my life though, and I am sure the rest would have sooner stabbed me in the heart than allow me to transform them, nevertheless sell them."

"Pfft, yeah, I'll bet you still found a way though, old fuck."

"Do you all ever shut up?" Konan piped up.

"For you babe, anything," Hidan added a wink to which Konan rolled her eyes.

A look of annoyance was clearly visible on Pein's face. Noticing this, Itachi hurriedly resumed the story.

* * *

_Apparently its purring had attracted the attention of the other felines as they all slowly gathered in the kitchen as well, the silver one hogging his plate protectively._

_'Aww so cute!' I thought._

* * *

"Even as a cat, I am attractive," Hidan smirked and flexed his arm. "The ladies just love me."

* * *

_Some of the other kittens started messing with it, trying to get at its plate. _

* * *

'Hey don't ignore me!"

* * *

_The silver one swatted at them, but the large brown one held it away with one paw._

* * *

"What are you idiots deaf?!"

* * *

_"Now now, don't fight. I will get all of you your own food. Leave Bubba alone."_

_All the kittens paused in their ruckus._

* * *

Even Hidan silenced after hearing the name.

* * *

_"What? You guys like the name? I named him, Bubba!"_

_The kittens started rolling around giving little kitty gasps as If they were laughing._

_"Don't laugh! Bubba means what a loving animal! My grandpa used to name one of his cows that!"_

_The kitties looked like they were having asthma attacks now._

* * *

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LOVING ANIMAL?! COW!" The members of the Akatsuki seemed to be joining in the laughter as well, Itachi was smirking as was Pein and Konan, while Deidara, Tobi and Kisame were rolling about in laughter. Kakuzu and Zetsu were chuckling as well. Hidan scowled at them.

"Just wait! I bet you asses will get worse names!"

* * *

_After placing small plates of ham for all the kittens, I decided to name them._

_"Hmm.. I shall name you Kefu!" I pointed the little blond one, "It means blond hair! There was a cow on my grandpa's farm with a tuft of blondish hair."_

_The blond kitty just paused from its meal for a moment seemingly absorbing the name then continued eating._

_"Manuetoafa!" The red kitty looked a little confused as I pointed at it. "It means a bird in the desert, not sure why grandpa would name his cow that but, whatever, you remind me of the red sand in the desert!" The red one remained looking a little unsure of its new name._

_I pointed at the small, single female blue kitty, "Daisy", at the split-coloured one, "Kaumavae", at the ginger one, "Teo", the large blue one, "Filimoeika", at the black one with red eyes, "Leo", at the black one with the orange patterned face, "Ikani" and finally at the large brown one, "Maake"._

_"Daisy means Flower," I explained while petting the small blue kitty, leaving it looking contented_

_"Kaumavae means split up," the split-coloured kitty gave a small shrug and continued chomping on its meat. It meowed at itself at times, I noticed._

_"Teo means gift from God," the ginger one seemed to ponder upon it for a bit before deciding that it sounded ok and went back to eating._

_"Filimoeika means shark's enemy, you do look a bit fishy and scary," the large blue kitty looked both a little offended and appalled at the same time._

_"Leo means protect," the red-eyed black kitty nodded, seemingly satisfied with its newfound name._

_"Ikani means small hot-headed child," the orange-faced black kitty meowed rather loudly at this but then seemed to decide that it liked it and went to hug the blond one which swatted at it._

_"Maake means warrior!" the large brown kitty looked proud with the meaning of its name._

_Most of the kittens either were sulking from the others' seemingly normal-meaning names or indifferently eating away at their meals._

_"Now, all these names are wonderful! They are all the beautiful cows on my grandpa's farms! Pretty creatures they are!"_

* * *

"Is it just me or does the Yume bitch sound a little obsessed with cows?"

* * *

_"Is it just me or does this bitch sound a little obsessed with her grandpa's cows?" Hidan asked the others._

* * *

"SEE! EVEN THE KITTY ME NOTICED THAT! IT'S NOT JUST ME! FYEAH BITCHES!"

"Sit down Hidan, un! You obviously weren't the only one thinking that, yeah!"

"She practically mentioned** cows every few minutes.**"

"Senpai! Why do our names sound weird? And Tobi is not a small hot-headed child! Tobi is a good boy!"

"I don't know! Stop bothering me, un!"

Itachi had been watching Kisame blubbering to himself meanwhile, "Why shark's enemy? Why? Even fishy's better! I love sharks! Sharkyyyyyyy…"

Itachi shook his head at his partner's occasional weird monologue.

* * *

_"I think we should just pretend to be good pets of this... cow-obsessed girl here while we stay and make use of the opportunity to find out how and where we are," Pein told the others._

_They never noticed the large brown kitten looking a little nervous._

* * *

"AHA! I BET THE OLD MAN DID PIMP US OUT!"

Kakuzu merely rolled his eyes.

* * *

_The rest agreed with the Leader's plan, looking up when the girl collected their now clean plates and stated, "It's time for you guys to get cleaned up! Bath time!"_

* * *

"We're gonna bathe with the girl?" Hidan perked up.

Konan smacked him on the head.

"Ow what the fuck?!"

"Behave."

Hidan grumbled and muttered to himself for a while before noticing that the Uchiha had stopped reading.

"Why did you stop? It was just getting to the good part Jashin damn it!"

"It ends there."

"What do you mean, Itachi?" Pein asked.

"The story ends there. It did say Chapter 1 in the title though, perhaps there might be more to come. Although the scroll does not seem to show it at the moment."

They all stared at the empty scroll for a moment before Tobi suddenly shouted.

"ZETSU! LET'S GO PLAY WITH FLOWERS!" Tobi ran out dragging the plant man along with him. Hidan soon followed, claiming that it was time for his daily ritual. Pein and Konan also left to discuss about their future missions.

"Now what?" Kisame asked.

"Another story, un?"

"Why not?" Kakuzu shrugged.

Itachi hn-ed and passed the scroll to Kakuzu, having been tired of reading it.

* * *

_Fleeting Art_

_Itachi and Deidara meet for the first time. He's supposed to convince the latter to join the Akatsuki. Would art connect them? AU!_

* * *

"I doubt it un! The Uchihas can't appreciate art!" Deidara sent a scornful look at said Uchiha who ignored him,

"AU?" asked Kisame.

"Alternate Universe," said Sasori as he came back into the room. He had done enough research in the library, he would need the rest of his information elsewhere but it would not be wise to gather them now.

"Oh!"

* * *

-end chapter-

A/N: Hope you liked it! Not sure where the cow-obsessed idea came from, must be all the research for funny cat names. By the way, I think they the words are in Polynesian or something. And I did get them off a site for pet cows. The internet is full of weird. Sigh… and being sick makes me think weirdly too. Oh well, see you next chapter! R&R!

OH! And you DID check out the new story image right? ;) And read the author's note at the top? I'm watching you.

Response to previous reviews:

The Phantom Dragon: Don't worry, plenty of yaoi innuendos and pairings will come up over the series! There's nothing like teasing heterosexual men! I'll take note of the Naruto & Bee idea although ninjas from Konoha or other villages will not be appearing so early on in the series. But a trapped idea sounds good!

Tommy298: Well, here you go!


	7. Fleeting Art

A/N: So the police were at my house today because my grandmother got lost while shopping. Not sure why she needed like 3 escorts though. And I was the only one at home. In sleepwear. It was all very dramatic and embarrassing. Sigh.

Here's a little bit of yaoi fluff to satisfy all you fanatics out there.

I do not own Naruto.

* * *

_Recap:_

_"Now what?" Kisame asked._

_"Another story, un?"_

_"Why not?" Kakuzu shrugged._

_Itachi hn-ed and passed the scroll to Kakuzu, having been tired of reading it. _

* * *

_Fleeting Art_

_Itachi and Deidara meet for the first time. He's supposed to convince the latter to join the Akatsuki. Would art connect them? AU!_

* * *

_"I doubt it un! The Uchihas can't appreciate art!" Deidara sent a scornful look at said Uchiha who ignored him._

_"AU?" asked Kisame._

_"Alternate Universe," said Sasori as he came back into the room. He had done enough research in the library, he would need the rest of his information elsewhere but it would not be wise to do it now._

_"Oh!" _

_-end recap-_

* * *

"_Those eyes…Those eyes…"_ read Kakuzu in a very monotonous voice.

"Such a riveting tale told by such an emotive voice," mumbled Kisame.

"Thank you, I never knew my voice attracted you so," Kakuzu said humbly.

"Damn you old man, I am attracted to you as a moth is to a flame. Wait. Is that the right phrase?"

"Such a big man, but such small brains."

"Why you-"

"Ok, as much as this weird sexual tension is entertaining me, I would prefer we carry on," Sasori interrupted, sounding very much amused.

"Keh!" Kisame scoffed at the redhead while Kakuzu glared at him before continuing.

* * *

_Those eyes…those eyes… It reminded Deidara of Uchiha Itachi._

* * *

"Whose eyes am I looking at?" Deidara asked.

"Well who else would have the Uchiha eyes?" Kisame replied.

No one answered his question as they knew that there could only be one possibility...Uchiha Sasuke. Itachi's brother and the lone survivor of the Uchiha clan massacre. No one dared look at Itachi who had been keeping silent all this while.

Kakuzu decided to continue reading the story in order to break the awkwardness.

* * *

_-flashback-_

_Three men stood in the middle of a temple as they spoke to a blond. The men were clad in black cloaks with red patterned clouds on them._

_"The Akatsuki? Like I care! Don't interfere with my appreciation of art, un!" the blond man shouted._

_"And I'm supposed to take this kid as my partner…?" a rough deep voice came from the man in the middle. He was short and squat when compared to the two tall men flanking his sides. _

* * *

Sasori scowled, disliking the story's description of his favoured puppet disguise. Deidara snickered quietly.

* * *

_"He's feisty, but looks like the type to die young," the scorpion man said._

_"It's our leader's orders…We can use his powers," the raven-haired man replied simply._

_The blond man looked taken aback, "You know about my power, un? Just who the hell are…?"_

_"You're the bomb terrorist who's been supporting the anti-government factions in various lands," the blue man answered. "What purpose would that serve a rogue ninja like you…?"_

_Deidara replied with a scoff, "I get requests to set off explosions, so I do. With my creations!"_

* * *

The Akatsuki members were surprised that their encounter with Deidara was written with such intricate details. Even the conversations were almost precise. As if the author who wrote it had witnessed it him or herself!

* * *

_Showing off his clay sculptures when questioned by Sasori on his creations, the man excitedly talked all about the dimensions and lines and the beauty of explosions. About how the instance of an explosion was true art!_

_"Art is an explosion!"_

_The three men simply stared at him, leaving candid comments about the blond's rambling speech._

_"How annoying..."_

_"Is he done?"_

_"Who knows…"_

_Uchiha Itachi then decided that he would be the one to do it. Activating his bloodline limit, 3 tomoes appeared in his eyes as they turned red._

_"If I win, you will become a member of the Akatsuki."_

_Upon hearing that, the blond man attacked._

_With swift jumps, Itachi managed to avoid a small explosion but had seemingly got caught within a giant clay centipede that Deidara had released secretly earlier. The clay bomber laughed, confidence booming in his voice, "You talked big, but is that all you have, un? It's over!" He made a hand sign which indicated that he was preparing to detonate the clay._

_However, Itachi unaffectedly asked him to take a better look at himself._

_His red pair of eyes gleamed and in a blink, Deidara realised that he was the one who had been caught in his own handiwork instead."W-what?"_

_The other two men mocked the bomber about how he almost blew himself up._

_Deidara perceived that he had been caught in a genjutsu when Kisame explained that the illusion had been cast the very moment he looked into Itachi's Sharingan eyes._

_He flinched from the bright sunlight that was seeping in through a breach in the walls. He looked into the rays to see Itachi's silhouette against the light. Beams of the daylight were radiating from behind him, as if a godly presence. Deidara stared in awe, mesmerised by the hypnotic red eyes along with the halo-like glow of the sun around them. "Beautiful…"_

_ "This is…art!" he murmured as the stoic Uchiha was reflected in the blond's orbs. _

* * *

Deidara flushed with anger and shame, remembering the incident like it was yesterday. It was the reason why he hated the Uchiha so much.

* * *

_'Damn! I became fascinated by the abilities of another?'_

* * *

Deidara openly glared at Itachi, who simply stared back calmly, all the more angering the blond.

* * *

_Clutching his head in disbelief, Deidara reproached himself on his weakness, 'That's art? No way! I refuse to acknowledge it!'_

_Debating with his own thoughts, Deidara didn't notice that the raven-haired male was standing right in front of him now. He looked up into the red eyes..._

_He blinked. Where were the other two members of the Akatsuki? They had just vanished into the thin air. _

_"You lose," the red-eyed man grasped his head and plunged his lips onto his. _

* * *

Kakuzu paused in his reading to check on the two's reactions as did the other members. Still in the midst of an intense staring war, they had failed to notice the amused atmosphere in the room.

Kakuzu looked over at Kisame and Sasori who both shrugged. He then shrugged too and continued the story.

* * *

_Deidara struggled for a minute against the pressing lips of the man, muffled yelps emitting from his throat._

_Pausing for a moment, the raven brought his lips near Deidara's ear. "Itachi," he breathed, sending a strange chill down the blond's spine._

_"What? What the h-"_

_"Say my name," the man whispered once more before pushing him against a stone wall and biting down onto his exposed neck._

* * *

"Whose neck is the Uchiha bastard biting, un?"

Apparently Deidara had lost the staring match, but of course, who would be stupid enough to challenge a once in a lifetime sharingan master like Itachi in a battle of the eyes?

"Yours," Kakuzu bluntly said.

"What the hell? That didn't happen when we met, un!"

"The situation that is being mentioned is obviously fictional. That's what alternate universe means," Itachi explained in a disinterested voice.

"Shut up Uchiha! Don't act like you're so smart!"

Itachi just looked at him, his face expressionless.

Kisame interrupted with a grin before they could start another pointless staring match, "Itachi kissed you, you know? Just in case you missed that part."

Itachi fixed his emotionless gaze onto the blue man who flinched upon seeing those burning red eyes while Deidara shouted, "WHAT?! THAT PERVERSE UCHIHA!"

"Should I continue then?"

"Continue Kakuzu! Maybe I can show leader that the Uchiha's an asshole after all, yeah!"

* * *

_"What the hell, un?!" The blond man pushed him away._

* * *

"Such an original comeback."

"Shut up Danna! Story me was probably in such a shock!"

* * *

_Itachi lifted the man's chin with a finger, "Listen. Upon joining, every member would have to enter a round of submission. We could either do this here, or in reality although that would probably hurt more. You are now in my world of genjutsu where no one else can interfere."_

* * *

"We sound like a group of gigolos, not S-class criminals!" Kisame frowned in displeasure.

* * *

_He once again pinned Deidara's arm against the wall and brushed his lips against the blond's in a heated dance. A gasp allowed his tongue to enter. His tongue ran along the other's and explored the territory for the very first time. _

_Soon enough, the latter's tongue fought back with the same desperation as the mesh shirt that he had been wearing was ripped off with unbearable urgency._

_As they came apart for breath, Deidara didn't move, his mind still reeling from what had happened._

_Itachi continue his ministrations by planting small kisses along Deidara's jaw before slowly trailing down his neck._

* * *

Itachi was looking very displeased at the scroll while Deidara looked a little sick.

* * *

_Sucking on the man's neck, he managed to induce a quiet moan from the blushing blond._

_He had never realised what a good kisser Deidara was. One hand was tangled in his hair while the other cupped his thigh. Their hips were grinded against each other's and Itachi suppressed a moan._

_He would have him now! He literally jumped the blond, wrapping Deidara's leg around his and dragged him to the floor._

* * *

_The two men lay next to each other, panting and exhausted but nonetheless basking in a sweet afterglow. Itachi smirked at the tired blond, "Round two?"_

* * *

"Whoa whoa whoa! What round two, un?!"

"It means that you have already gone through round one with Uchiha Itachi, brat," a smirking Sasori sounded extremely amused.

Deidara flubbed around at a loss for words while Itachi contemplated on destroying the scroll with the flames of his Amaterasu.

Deidara then turned around and asked, "Who's the one on top?"

The others stared at him incredulously.

"I don't think you should be concerned with that right now, Deidara," Kisame said lazily.

Sasori added, "But we doubt that you brat, are the one on top in this…relationship."

"It's your entire fault Uchiha! You're the one making all the moves, un!"

"I hardly think that I would waste a Tsukuyomi on you," was his cold response.

Deidara turned red. He sat down and fumed, alternating his glares between the scroll, Itachi and his danna. You could almost see his temptation to just blow up the whole room to pieces.

* * *

_Deidara shook his head, all tired out. He looked over at Itachi, a blush tainting his cheeks again after seeing the way the sexy man was eyeing him. Itachi chuckled slightly._

* * *

"I have never heard him chuckle," Kisame said thoughtfully, "I wonder how it sounds. And I definitely have never heard of him being referred to as sexy."

* * *

_"I'm going to give you a choice. You have to have a partner in the Akatsuki and I'm sure you would rather have me than Sasori. If you agree to be with me then I can make the necessary arrangements. Sasori can be…rough." He smiled before bringing both of them into another deep kiss again._

* * *

"Oh just go with him, brat. Leave me alone in peace."

"You do realise this means that you and Kisame will be partners then," Kakuzu interjected. "And in this story it means that the two of you would be…submitting…to each other." He smirked.

Sasori shot the man a cold look.

Kisame looked a little horrified at the mental images he was having, "Don't drag me into this!"

* * *

_They broke apart for breath and Deidara nodded weakly, "Ok."_

_Itachi grabbed the man and went for round two. After all, 72 hours in this world was only but a second in the real world. He could have a little more fun first. He would settle Sasori and Kisame later on._

* * *

Kakuzu had only just finished the story when "Amaterasu!" and he barely found enough time to dodge the black flames that engulfed the chair where he had sat. Itachi advanced quietly toward Kakuzu, set on destroying the vile scroll that vilified his name and which seemingly knew more about his clan and brother than he'd like.

"Itachi, leader won't be very pleased to know that you destroyed an important artefact not to mention the base that will burn down if you don't stop the flames," Kisame tried to calm the irate man down.

Itachi halted in his steps, taking in Kisame's words before his eyes turned from blood-red back to onyx, the flames gradually disappearing as well.

There was a lull in the air before– "KATSU!"

Hundreds of little clay spiders rained down upon them and exploded, shaking the entire base.

The smoke slowly cleared, showing that all the ninja in the room were safe after having protected themselves with their own specialities – Sasori was in his puppet, Kisame had his Samehada out shielding himself and Itachi had dodged the spiders since his sharingan was able to predict where they would not fall.

Kakuzu was beyond pissed. He had sacrificed one of his masked hearts to shield both himself and the scroll. He was about to attack the blond bomber when the leader's loud booming voice rang through the base.

"STOP PLAYING AROUND AND GO TO SLEEP. OR I WILL PERSONALLY GO THERE AND MAKE YOU. LEAVE THE SCROLL IN MY OFFICE AND THE SCROLL BETTER BE INTACT OR ELSE."

They hadn't realised that it was already near to midnight. Deidara was whacked upside on his head by Sasori, "Ow!" and he was dragged by a puppet out toward their rooms before he could do anymore damage to the scroll.

Itachi and Kisame went back to their own rooms as well while Kakuzu would return the scroll. The night was finally silent once again.

* * *

The next morning at breakfast, the blond and raven refused to look at each other. Kisame and Sasori were still very much amused but didn't say a word, not wishing to add fuel to the fire. Meanwhile the rest were just waiting for the two to explode, considering that Hidan and Tobi, who have learnt of the whole story a little earlier on, were creating a ruckus.

"Wahhh! Senpai and Itachi-san are together? Tobi doesn't understand why! Is senpai not Tobi's partner anymore? But Tobi is a good boy!"

"HAH! The stupid blond and the Uchiha are fucking each other!"

"SHUT UP HIDAN! YOU AND KAKUZU WERE KISSING IN THE SCROLL TOO!"

"Fuck you!" Hidan flicked some pieces of scrambled egg at the blond who retaliated by lifting up the table to shield himself, resulting in every member's breakfast crashing to the ground in a mixture of porcelain, stainless steel, eggs, rice and sauces while everything else went flying into the air.

It was at this unfortunate moment that Pein decided to walk in and some flying eggs landed on his cloak.

Dead silence fell.

Pein inhaled a slow, deep breath, "Itachi, Kisame, go on your mission now, you are supposed to find the nine-tailed Jinchuriki. Be careful, I heard Jiraiya is with him. Sasori, Kakuzu, make Hidan and Deidara clean this whole mess up."

* * *

After the duo had left, the mess had been cleaned up twice. In the process of cleaning up, Hidan and Deidara had tried to kill each other again, knocking over a lamp that crashed into the glass cabinet containing chinaware. Following the rumpus, all the members gathered in the living room.

"Sasori, what have you gathered about the scroll so far?" Pein asked.

"The scroll contains no traces of chakra, and it does not utilise any ninja or manmade tools of our world. It, however, seems to have a mind of its own, as it can sense when we want a new story and refreshes itself when needed and erases itself blank when we don't want to read anymore."

"Agreed. And the scroll seems to know a lot about us. It knows the exact conversations our members have had before, our backgrounds, families and everything about our powers," Kakuzu added, looking insightful.

Pein nodded, "I think it is safe to conclude that this item seemingly comes from a different world, perhaps of a different dimension. This item does not seem dangerous, however it contains vital information about us that I do not want in the hands of the enemy. Therefore I want everyone to ensure that this scroll does not land in the hands of anyone else but us."

"The fucking stories called fanfictions, it seems that the author or authors might be able to predict our futures, so I say that we should be able to read it whenever we want!" said Hidan.

Pein pondered for a moment before nodding his head in agreement, "Any one of you may read the scroll at any time. However, the scroll has to be with one of us at all times and any intel gained from the stories must be reported at once. Meanwhile I will have Sasori and Itachi working on the unidentifiable words on the seal of the scroll."

"Tobi will obey! Tobi is a good boy!" the hyperactive voice suddenly piped up. Tobi ran into the room, the scroll in his hand. "Tobi brought this from leader's room for everyone to read! Let's read!"

As before, he unrolled the scroll before anyone could respond and words started appearing on the white parchment again.

* * *

_Just Business_

_Kakuzu enters the business world! Will it turn out the way he wanted? Will he be rich and successful?_

* * *

-end chapter-

A/N: More insights into the Akatsuki's adventures with the scroll soon! Leave a review! More comments = better motivation = faster updates! See you next chapter!

Response to previous reviews:

Isella of the wolf tribe: Well the fics are currently all written by me because I would feel bad if I use someone else's story for laughs and accidentally insult them instead. However if any authors wish to have their fics inside for some great laughs, I accept all requests! :)

The Phantom Dragon: There will definitely be cuddling with Hidan! XD


	8. Just Business

A/N: All the fics within this fic are currently all written by me because I would feel bad if I use someone else's story for laughs and accidentally insult them instead. However if any authors are open to it and wish to have their fics inside for some great laughs, I accept all requests! :) You can name a particular story/chapter of yours that you favour if you like to.

All suggestions accepted for storylines that you want to see them react to! So far I will only be writing based on the Akatsuki. The rest of Konoha and other villages' ninjas will not be appearing for now until much later in the series. However feel free to keep your suggestions coming and I will put them into my notes for reference!

I really enjoyed writing this particular fic, hope you like it as much as I do!

My PM box is open to all, feel free to message me if leaving a review seems too public for some of you! ;)

Many thanks to bornfreeonekiss who took time out of her busy schedule to beta.

I do not own Naruto.

* * *

Recap:

_"Tobi will obey! Tobi is a good boy!" the hyperactive voice suddenly piped up. Tobi ran into the room, the scroll in his hand. "Tobi brought this from leader's room for everyone to read! Let's read!"_

_As before, he unrolled the scroll before anyone could respond and words started appearing on the white parchment again._

* * *

_Just Business_

_Kakuzu enters the business world! Will it turn out the way he wanted? Will he be rich and successful?_

_-end recap-_

* * *

"Well if it's something to do with Kakuzu and money, I'm guessing that we are going to be rich! Fuck yeah."

"It only mentions me. Any money I earn belongs to only me."

"Fucking old tightwad."

Deidara decided to start reading since he was getting tired of another argument, causing most of the members to be surprised at the almost miraculous sight of Deidara's sensibilities.

* * *

_Kakuzu was pissed at Hidan._

* * *

"Well, what's new, un?"

Hidan flipped him off.

* * *

_The zealot had managed to somehow get his blood all over the furniture during his rituals._

* * *

"He gets blood everywhere during his stupid rituals, yeah."

"Fuck you blondie."

* * *

_Now he had to replace all the furniture! Where was he going to get the money?_

* * *

"Just go kill someone for the bounty like you always do, un!"

"Hell no, I'd have to tag along!"

* * *

_The leader was no help at all; he had just commanded Kakuzu to go replenish their finances without any providing any suggestions._

* * *

"Yes Pein can sometimes be a pain in the as–"

Sasori's annoyance peaked, "Would you quit interrupting your own reading with your thoughts, brat?!"

"Yeah! Tobi can't understand the story with senpai cutting in…Tobi is a good boy!" He quickly added when Deidara glared at him.

"And stop joining in, Hidan," Kakuzu lectured.

"Yes Deidara, Hidan. Stop that," said Konan.

"Ugh. Fine! Quit nagging, people, un."

Hidan muttered to himself about a bunch of pussies being all naggy.

* * *

_He couldn't go get another bounty._

* * *

Deidara was about to voice his question on why he couldn't get a bounty when the warning glares from the rest of the members stopped him. He gulped sheepishly and continued.

* * *

_There weren't that many bounties to collect lately as he and Hidan had collected a lot of them from before. Unfortunately the money went into all the other necessity expenses such as food. The men ate like pigs. _

* * *

The members all scowled at Kakuzu who gave an incredulous "What?" face.

* * *

_Kakuzu decided. He would go into business. After all, who knew more about the value of money than he did? He would be a great salesman._

* * *

Everyone gave a snort, knowing that customers would probably run at the sight of the man instead of stopping to buy anything. Kakuzu looked offended at their snorts.

* * *

_*shriek!*_

_The little girl ran off crying for her mother._

* * *

Muffled laughter came from Tobi and Hidan and Deidara was reading the story with an amused tone. The rest, even Pein, had smirks on their faces. Kakuzu looked unhappy.

* * *

_Kakuzu was irritated. That was the twelfth kid that had run away crying. What was wrong with them? The problem was definitely not his goods!_

* * *

_"_That sounded strangely** paedophilic**."

"What's paedophilic? Tobi doesn't understand!"

Everyone ignored the orange-masked man.

* * *

_He picked up one of the dolls. It had thick threads for hair, buttons for eyes and stitches for its mouth. It looked every bit like a normal rag doll!_

_He watched eagerly as another kid walked towards his booth. The young boy hoisted up one of the dolls and screamed. When he had picked up the doll, threads spit out of its mouth and through the stitches of its limbs._

_The kid ran away sobbing for his parents. Kakuzu stared after him. So what if he had modelled the dolls after himself? What was the deal with children nowadays? They couldn't make it in this ninja world if they were such wimps._

_He scowled and crossed __**rag dolls**__ off his list._

_-the sixth try-_

_[x] Rag dolls  
[x] Wooden clogs (It wasn't his fault. He hadn't known that even Sasori's wood materials were tinted with poison.) __  
__[x] Clay figurines (Deidara's chakra-infused clay. Two words: Fucking idiot. 'Nuff said.) _  
_[x] Donor's blood (Apparently Hidan's blood type was not very popular, who knew? Or maybe it was because of the plastic trash bags that the blood came in…Hey he was on a budget!)__  
__[x] Origami figurines (Turns out that people don't like paying for pretty pieces of paper. No matter how pretty they are. Even though they were already so cheaply priced at only 80 dollars per paper angel.) _

_Kakuzu looked around him. Damn it, the customers had left without his noticing again. He wasn't sure why they kept disappearing. He frowned at the potted plants on the table. He had thought the plants he had gotten from Zetsu's greenhouse would have appealed to many plant lovers seeing as how the split man crooned over them so often._

_He let out an exasperated sigh, crossing **potted plants** off his list, failing to notice the muffled yells coming from inside of the various Venus flytraps_

_-eleventh try-_

_[x] Potted plants  
[x] Lollipops (He almost succeeded with this one. Until kids started jumping off the boardwalk into the nearby sea from hyperactivity. The sugar condensation content was way too high apparently. He would kill Tobi when he got back later.)  
[x] Baby pet sharks (Kisame REALLY needed to house train those things. They almost took off that kid's arm!) _  
_[x] Contact lenses (Damn Itachi for placing genjutsu on his items! He had to hide all the unconscious bodies under the beach snack shack!) _  
_[x] Body piercings (The leader could have at least warned him that the metal rods channelled chakra. The first guy that tried piercings for the first time would probably never allow a second time in his life ever again.) _

* * *

Sasori scoffed, "You should have known better, Kakuzu."

"Oi! Art is a bang!"

"I'm always popular. So is my awesome immortal blood that the great Jashin-sama bestowed upon me. It's your stupid taste in trash bags. Cheap miser."

"Pretty paper is for appreciation and gifts! Not for sale! And at such exorbitant prices!

"**Don't ****_ever_**** touch** our plants!"

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi likes his candy! Kakuzu don't touch Tobi's candy!"

"I don't think you can house train sharks, un. They are lethal killing cold-blooded creatures, yeah."

"Old fart stupid enough to be touching the freak Uchiha's stuff. It serves you right, asshole!"

Pein shrugged, a look of nonchalance written on his face, "It's not my fault people can't withstand strong chakra. He must learn from his pain."

Kakuzu exploded, "IT'S JUST A DAMNED STORY. I'M NOT GOING TO EVER SELL BABY SHARKS OR PIERCE PEOPLE'S BODIES. FOR ALL THAT IS SANE, QUIT HARASSING ME ALREADY!"

The rest just scowled at him, totally obvious that they didn't give a care about what he just said.

* * *

_Ok. He would try one last time._

_Cheese. God damn cheese._ _Domiati, Cheddar, Mozzarella, Paneer, Bergkäse, Selles-sur-Cher, Parmigiano-Reggiano, Monterey Jack and hundreds more. You name it, he had it. Some of them he got by threatening merchants, some by thievery, and others…well let's just say he had found a dozen different ways to churn butter._

_Surrounded by almost 5000 wheels of cheese, he smirked at his cheese empire. He was sitting on a throne made out of three hundred types of cheese and had a mini "cheesecastle" (think sandcastle) and a cheese fountain (think chocolate fountain)._

_The cheeses were selling by the dozens, rare types, common types, exotic types. He never knew people were that cheese-crazed. Perhaps it was that new thing called 'pizza' that made it so popular._

_By the end of the day, the cheeses were actually sold out. Even the cheese throne, cheesecastle, and the cheese fountain were gone. Maybe he should consider a career in cheese instead of collecting bounties from now on. No, scratch that, bounties made him millions. He didn't give a damn about cheese. At least, only for today was a damn given._

_'Yes! Success!'_

_After the entire day of sales, he counted his money. He had more than enough for new furniture! He could probably buy a new set every month if he wanted. That is, until the pigs demanded food. Then the money would disappear._

_But until then…_

_He threw the stacks of money in the air and as they landed, started jumping into the piles and rolling in them guffawing, "MUAHAHAHAHA!"… It echoed on for a long long time…_

* * *

"MUAHAHAHAHA!"

The others swivelled around to look at Kakuzu laughing maniacally in his seat.

Kakuzu had gotten overly absorbed in the story and was currently imagining himself rolling in stacks and stacks of cash.

"Heh heh, money," he mumbled to himself. "Cheese…" This sounded almost thoughtful.

The rest just stared at him as if he were insane.

* * *

They all left Kakuzu chortling to himself and went about their business.

Itachi and Kisame had returned from their mission and were reporting to Pein.

"Gomen leader-sama, we were found by Sarutobi Asuma, Kurenai Yūhi, Hatake Kakashi and a weird man by the name of Might Guy. I believe his name appeared in the scroll previously. They were all powerful jounin and we did not want to risk having the Konoha ANBU alerted so we left," explained Kisame.

"Then when we managed to track down the jinchūriki kid, Itachi's brother Sasuke managed to delay us and Jiraiya suddenly turned up. We were unable to retrieve the jinchūriki and only managed to get away thanks to Itachi's Amaterasu."

Pein waved off his apology, "It's fine. Jiraiya is a powerful shinobi and not a force to be easily reckoned with. And it's a good thing we don't have the jinchūriki now. For we need to research for a new method to seal the beasts."

"Didn't the scroll mention the sealing of the one-tailed? Perhaps more information can be attained by reading more stories from it," Itachi suggested.

Pein nodded, "I will analyse it further. Both of you rest." And with that, they were dismissed.

* * *

Pein put down the scroll and pinched the bridge of his nose. He had read through more stories of the scroll and had managed to gain some intel on some of the names and skills of potential enemies.

However there was nothing more about the sealing of the tailed beasts but there were dozens of yaoi stories though. He cringed slightly at the memory of some of them. No way would he ever attempt to seduce a hyperactive crazed Tobi by sucking on his "lollipop". Especially not when he knew the man as Uchiha Madara.

He was thankful for the knock on the door that distracted him from his disturbing train of thoughts.

* * *

Konan had dragged Pein out for dinner with the rest, but fortunately he could escape the noisy environment before he exploded with irritancy. As he had kept the scroll on him, since he had warned others to do so before, Kisame had gotten it from him before he left so that they could do a bit of reading before bed.

Tobi had already gone to bed complaining about how "Tobi is tired! Tobi is a good boy so he shall sleep early! Good night senpai!" and had hugged Deidara before running away from the blond's shouting. The rest of the members, save for Pein who had escaped to the sanctity of his room and Kakuzu who had muttered something about his cheese plans, lazed in the living room to hear a new story.

Kisame unrolled the scroll and the text appeared.

* * *

_Chaos no Jutsu! Chapter 2_

_Previously called Madness: Akatsuki Style! Jacky, Harry and Frankie find themselves at the Akatsuki base! Lots of chaos, and what's this? Tobi has shut up? Hidan stopped swearing? Cross-dressing? Embarrassing pics and blackmailing? First Naruto fanfic, please go easy on me. No flames, ok? -runs as crowd throw fire-_

* * *

A/N: I really enjoyed writing this particular fic, hope you liked it as much as I do! Review!

All suggestions accepted for storylines that you want to see them react to! So far I will only be writing based on the Akatsuki. The rest of Konoha and other villages' ninjas will not be appearing for now until much later in the series. However feel free to keep your suggestions coming and I will put them into my notes for reference!

Response to previous reviews:

steenta112: Thank you! Yes, they are hilarious! :D

xXTooMuchFreeTimeXx: Yes, it's called The Marauder's Companion, even more awesome than mine! The difference is that stories within my fic are all written by me, might extract them out to actual one-shot fics in future. I'm glad that it's not too confusing for you! :) Sure thing, I'll add your story on to my list, one can never have too many fics! I always need a good stock of fics for nitpicking by the Akatsuki anyway. :D

Tommy298: Why would I be offended? Haha, no problem, a PeinXKonan fic definitely in the making! ;)

Jynxy119: Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it! More to come!

Isella of the wolf tribe: Alright then, I'll take a look and select them! Do you have any particular story/chapter based on the Akatsuki that you prefer? Otherwise I might just select at random.

The Phantom Dragon: Glad you liked it! Smile all you want! :D


	9. Chaos no Jutsu C2

A/N: The fic within this fic was written by xXTooMuchFreeTimeXx who provided her request and permission for use of her chaptered story. It has a pretty interesting story plot, feel free to go read it! :)

Thank you bornfreeonekiss, eclipsed flower and riptocs for beta help.

Anyway, enjoy. I do not own Naruto.

* * *

_Recap:_

_Kisame unrolled the scroll and the text appeared._

* * *

_Chaos no Jutsu! Chapter 2_

_Previously called Madness: Akatsuki Style! Jacky, Harry and Frankie find themselves at the Akatsuki base! Lots of chaos, and what's this? Tobi has shut up? Hidan stopped swearing? Cross-dressing? Embarrassing pics and blackmailing? First Naruto fanfic, please go easy on me. No flames, ok? -runs as crowd throw fire-_

_-end recap-_

* * *

Kisame was attacked with a barrage of questions.

"Wait, chapter 2? What happened to chapter 1?"

"Who are Jacky, Harry and Frankie?"

"Tobi shutting up would be a miracle, un!"

"IF YOU GUYS could just shush?!"

Ignoring Kisame, the comments continued.

"I've never swore in my whole fucking life!"

"Who's gonna cross-dress? Hidan?"

"Go to hell puppet boy!"

"Why are people throwing fire at the author?"

They all became quiet as a flock of crows blinded them, knowing that Itachi was the one who had dissolved his genjutsu into silencing them. After a few moments of silence, the crows disappeared, returning their sight once again. Kisame hurriedly resumed with the story as Hidan opened his mouth, preparing to cuss Itachi out.

* * *

_Tobi: Stupid Genius is a bad girl!_

_Me: ... Eh?_

_Tobi: Stupid Genius forgot the disclaimer in the last chapter!_

* * *

"**Isn't stupid genius an oxymoron? **So contradictory. I mean you'd be a genius, but you'd be stupid. **And you would be stupidly genius,** or genius-ly stupid. I'm confusing myself. **Ok. Stop,**" Zetsu finished his self-conversation and turned back to the rest who were staring at him.

"Oh don't act like you haven't seen us do this before. **Look away before I eat you!"**

* * *

_Me: Oh..._

_Tobi: And also, Stupid Genius wants to give a very big thank you to Shadow the Ranger!_

_Me: Yeah, and that... But why is there a huge crowd outside the door? They seem angry too._

_Tobi: I'll let them in!_

_Me: No! -runs away from crowd who are angry because the first chapter was so crappy-_

* * *

"Is that why we don't see the first chapter here?"

* * *

_Jacky's POV_

_The meeting finished after at least twenty centuries. How long does it take for this Painful dude to tell everybody his decision? Mind you, I wouldn't say it to his face. He's one scary shit of a man. He's got punk orange hair, and piercings everywhere! ...Hey that rhymes!_

* * *

Hidan made a note of the rhyme, prepared to sing it to Pein later on. Unbeknown to him, that future consisted of a lot of expletives, blood and shoutings of "KNOW PAIN!"

* * *

_Just then, people started filing out. I recognized Hidan, who glared at me, and Kakuzu, who didn't even throw a glance my way._

* * *

"I don't glare at random people."

"Yes you do. When you get all blood-thirsty during your sacrificial rituals and start targeting random passers-by," rebutted Konan.

"Well then they should be fucking honoured to be considered a suitable offering to Jashin-sama."

* * *

_A childish man in an orange lollipop mask was screaming that Tobi was a good boy (God knows who Tobi is), _

* * *

"I wish I didn't know who Tobi was either, un."

* * *

_a red-haired, expressionless man stared at us, not in wonder, or surprise. Just...blankly._

* * *

"Meaning that they are of no concern to me at all."

* * *

_A giant fish-_

* * *

Kisame paused to give a shout, "I'M NOT A DAMN FISH!"

* * *

_waved at Frankie, who waved back, followed by a man with long black hair and red eyes. A ginger-haired, piercings-covered man came out (Painful Dude), a blue haired girl fingering some paper right behind him. A half-white, half-black man trapped in a Venus Flytrap walked past, and when I waved at him cheerfully, he began muttering to himself about how he must 'restrain the strong urge to swallow them whole'..._

* * *

"**Think they would be tasty?** Oh stop it, you are scaring the rest. **Good, then they will stay away from me. **You mean us. I like having friends. **Whatever.**"

* * *

_These seem like an interesting bunch. Ok, maybe they're a LITTLE strange, but not that much, right?_

* * *

"Oh they have no idea what they are getting into," commented Sasori.

* * *

_A blonde guy that looked scarily like Harry waved at us and walked over._

* * *

"Is that me, yeah?"

* * *

_"Guess what, un?"_

* * *

"I guess so, un."

* * *

_"What?" I immediately replied, in a monotone voice. I'm practically famous for my monotone voice. Harry tries to copy it sometimes, but she's more of the loud, shouting type._

_"We're keeping you, un!"_

_"You make us sound like animals," Frankie quietly. Blonde Harry-lookalike just grinned._

_Humph._

_"This is Diedara. He's from my 'clan', apparently."_

* * *

"Who's Diedara?" asked Hidan.

"I think it's Deidara, but I'm just going to read it as Diedara since that's what the author wrote," answered Kisame.

"Brat, you have a clan?"

"I didn't know that either danna, un!"

* * *

_[insert long and boring explanation on how Harry is from Diedara's clan, and I'm from the 'Kaguya' clan. Then another explanation about ninjas and jutsus, because the author can't be bothered]._

* * *

"Well now that's just fucking lazy!"

"I know! I want to know more about my "clan" un!"

* * *

_"..."_

_"..."_

_"..."_

* * *

"Well go on!" said Hidan impatiently.

"They are all silent you moron!" shot Kisame.

* * *

_"It's a lot to take in, un, I know, un, but-"_

* * *

"Ok, Deidara's verbal tick is getting on my nerves."

"It's not my fault danna! I can't help it. And it doesn't happen ALL the time, yeah!"

* * *

_"That's kinda cool!" Frankie said thoughtfully._

_"Ok," Harry replied nonchalantly._

_"Wow," I said, my voice blank of emotion._

_"I think Frankie's reaction was the most predictable, un, even if it is by only a little, un," Deidara grumbled._

_"What did you want us to say?" I asked, rolling my eyes._

_"Well, I expected you to say something along the lines of 'OMG! THAT IS SO COOL!', un, or 'Why would we believe that?, un, or even 'Wow, that'd be sooo cool... if it were true,' un."_

* * *

"OMG! THAT IS SO COOL!" Kisame shouted, getting into the story.

"Why would we believe that?" Hidan said in a childishly confused voice.

"Wow, that'd be sooo cool… if it were true," Sasori recited.

The rest either rolled their eyes or grinned at their antics.

* * *

_"OMG! THAT IS SO COOL!" Harry shouted, getting into it._

_"Why would we believe that?" Frankie said in a childishly confused voice._

_"Wow, that'd be sooo cool... if it were true," I recited._

_"...? Anyway, un, you three get your own room, un. Pein-sama was about to make you sleep with guys, un, but Konan stuck up for you, un, complaining about women's rights, un."_

* * *

"That was four uns in one sentence Deidara!"

"What? I wasn't the one who said it, danna un!"

* * *

_"Who does Konan sleep with then? She was the only female I saw," Frankie asked._

_"Herself, until you three came along. Now, you're sharing a room with her."_

_"Ooooooohh! Yay! WOOHOO! Go, random Konan stranger!" Harry. I'm pretty sure you guessed._

* * *

"Yay for women's rights!" Konan said mildly.

Everyone rolled their eyes.

* * *

_[insert eye roll from both Diedara, Harry and I here]_

* * *

"It's almost freaky how we are acting like story us," observed Konan.

* * *

_-Five Minutes Later-_

_Konan showed us our rooms. It was baby blue, with silver furniture. It was spotless from top to bottom._

_"I painted it myself, with the help of the origami me's," she said proudly._

_"You can make clones of yourself with paper?" I asked. Although my voice let on no enthusiasm, I was curious._

_"Yep."_

_"COOL!" Harry shouted, pumping her fist in the air. Unfortunately, Konan used this as encouragement, and she and Harry began talking about origami, and quality papers._

_I sighed._

_This was going to be a long night._

_¬_¬ _ !"£$%^&*()_++~ ¬_¬ __

* * *

Kisame made a series of weird faces, trying to match his expression to the line of symbols written on the scroll.

"What are you doing? You look like you are having a seizure fishface."

"I'm just trying to express the author's text here! AND QUIT RELATING ME TO FISH YOU RELIGIOUS FREAK!"

"YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH JASHIN-SAMA YA LITTLE FISHY?!"

Both of them stomped over to each other and glared into one another's eyes furiously.

"Now kiss."

Both of their lips crashed into each other's, causing them to sputter and struggle to get off of each other. They spat on the floor, scrubbing their lips. Both of them turned and looked at the culprit, a smirking Sasori who was detaching his chakra threads from them.

"DAMN YOU SASORI!"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU YOU FUCKING PUPPET FUCKER?!"

Sasori just continued looking at them with his cold half-lidded eyes, his self-amusement increasing as their ranting continued and they raised fists at him. He hadn't trained in a while anyway. He would use their anger to get some training in.

He then attacked them with a puppet as they both prepared to pounce on him. The fight escalated as they dodged each other's attacks and left running through the base toward the indoor training grounds after each other.

Itachi and Konan looked at each other and shrugged.

Itachi picked up the scroll that had been tossed to the ground by Kisame and finished up the story.

* * *

_Sorry it's so short!_

_I don't really remember Diedara's surname, so we'll pretend it's Fuuka._

* * *

"I'm a Fuuka now, un?"

Konan sighed, "It's obviously fictional Deidara. Quit harping on the details."

"Quit harping on me woman!" Deidara jumped up, deciding that he would go join in the midnight training session with Kisame, Hidan and Sasori.

Zetsu decided to leave as well and phased through the floor, both sides muttering about wanting to visit their beloved plants.

With Itachi and Konan left, they both decided to rest for the day. Itachi chose to keep the scroll with him to avoid rousing Pein from his sleep.

* * *

The next morning, Itachi woke up to find half of the Akatsuki huddled in a group and sitting next to his bed. He was irritated; he didn't like to be interrupted from his sleep.

"What are all of you doing in my room?"

"We got bored, so we decided to read another story from the scroll," replied Kisame.

"And you had to do it in my room?"

"Yes, (un)," was all of their responses.

Itachi groaned internally as "Tobi is a good boy! What is senpai doing? Tobi wants to join in too!" echoed from his room's doorway. Tobi stood standing, no, bouncing there with the other half of the Akatsuki behind him.

Now he was never going to get back to sleep. Might as well join them.

Everyone gathered around Itachi's room, either sitting on the edges of his bed, on the floor, or the odd chair located around the room. Only Pein remained in his office citing paperwork as his excuse, but Konan knew better – he had wanted to avoid his noisy criminals.

Sasori unrolled the scroll and the story began…

* * *

_Perfect World_

_Suu, a rogue ninja from the now destroyed Hidden Village of the Woods meets the Akatsuki. The instance of love at first sight could potentially harm the delicate balance of their criminal organisation! Can Suu save them from self-destruction?_

* * *

A/N: Many thanks to bornfreeonekiss for beta help.

I hope I did this story justice. It has an interesting story plot, give it a read!

To toomuchfreetime: I hope you don't mind, I cleaned up the story a little, got rid of some of the typos but kept the spelling of Deidara's name (it's Dei not Die by the way, was it an intentional spelling?). But anyway, I hope you liked it!

Response to previous reviews:

tuttachechka: Why not cheese? Haha, I don't know either. I always had cheese in mind and it somehow just popped into a cheese empire thing!

The Kazekage of Suna: Hi! I love your stories! I would love to feature their diaries in soon! :D

DutchyPuppy: Wallace's voice: "Cheese! Gromit! Cheese!" Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it! One update coming right up!

The Phantom Dragon: I don't know either. I always had cheese in mind and it somehow just popped into a cheese empire thing! And wow, you must spend a lot of time in your imaginary world with them? Haha! Have recorded every single one of your suggestion down, look forward to seeing them in future chapters! Feel free to throw whatever ideas you want. I'll try my best to feature them all.


	10. Perfect World

A/N: I apologise for the rather long delay in updates. Here's another rather long fic! Enjoy!

By the way, go check out riptocs' story, Dementia! It's a SasoDei fic, very sweet and sad! Spam her with reviews and make her update! :D

Many thanks to bornfreeonekiss, eclipsed flower, and riptocs for their invaluable beta help!

I do not own Naruto.

* * *

_Recap:_

_Everyone gathered around Itachi's room, either sitting on the edges of his bed, on the floor, or the odd chair located around the room. Only Pein remained in his office citing paperwork as his excuse, but Konan knew better. He had wanted to avoid his noisy criminals._

_Sasori unrolled the scroll and the story began…_

* * *

_Perfect World_

_Suu, a rogue ninja from the now destroyed Hidden Village of the Woods meets the Akatsuki. The instance of love at first sight could potentially harm the delicate balance of their criminal organisation! Can Suu save them?_

_-end recap-_

* * *

"Why are we always in love?" asked Kisame.

"Because we have fans moron," Hidan rolled his eyes. Apparently they were still a little sore about the whole accidental kiss incident yesterday.

"If the two of you start again I will make you guys do more than just kissing," threatened Sasori.

That shut them both up, though they shot looks of daggers at the redhead as he continued reading.

* * *

_Suu woke up in a panic. She looked around. She was in a sterile white room filled with medical equipment._

_Where was she? She clutched her aching head, trying to remember. The last thing she could recall was running from the roaring flames of her village, away from the screams and wails as her fellow villagers were slaughtered like animals._

_Her heart wrenched as the memories of her beloved hometown plagued her. Her once close family and friends were all gone in one night. Just because of an internal revolution by the most idiotic clan that ever existed._

_The Chie clan had revolted. They had always been known for their extreme paranoia, which somehow increased their motivation for training, thus making them more powerful. That intense distrust of the clan, over the centuries, had finally come to a boil and they had attacked the village on the grounds that the people were trying to rid them of their pride._

_She felt anger bubbling within her as she recollected how she had tried to warn the villagers. Being part of the Hidden Village of the Woods' ANBU, her confidential informants and spies had informed her of the horrible plot._

_But the village's elders, being the stubborn snobs they were, refused to listen! They said that there was no way the Chies would dare to attack their village and called her attempts a conspiracy. She was then banished her from the village and labelled a rogue ninja and traitor._

_The next night, the village fell._

* * *

"I wouldn't want a woman with that much baggage. No matter how hot she is," Hidan said arrogantly.

"True, because you would be **the baggage of anyone else**."

"I didn't ask for your opinion you sick cannibal."

"Don't call Zetsu sick Hidan! Tobi thinks that Zetsu is nice!"

"You would, you overactive bundle of lollipop idiocy!"

"Hidan is being mean to Tobi! Tobi is a good boy! Senpai help me!" Tobi clutched on the Deidara's arm.

"Don't cling onto me, un!"

* * *

_She started slightly from her thoughts as a man with red hair stepped into the room._

* * *

"The puppet is ignoring us!"

"Wah! Sasori-san is being mean to Tobi too!" Tobi shouted, his hold on Deidara tightening.

"Stop it, un! Danna get him away from me!"

* * *

_"Who are you?" she asked._

_"Your saviour. Now tell me, what brings a pretty kunoichi like you around these parts of the woods?"_

_ "Suu," she replied softly._

_"What a sweet sounding name. My name is Sasori, Suu," the way he said her name made her melt a little on the inside; he dragged it out and it sounded almost lovingly from his lips._

* * *

"Sasori is a flirt! Sasori is a flirt!" Hidan mock-sang. He was soon joined in by Deidara, "Danna is a flirt!" and Tobi, "Sasori-san is a flirt!" but their singing was cut off shortly.

"What is this nonsense? Barely 15 minutes into the story and I'm attracted to an unknown stranger and saying her name _almost_ lovingly? Ugh! Such a Mary-Sue!" Sasori puffed in annoyance and tossed the scroll away.

"Oh sure…he doesn't respond when a third of us are talking to him but talks to us when he feels like it. Asshole."

"Mary-Sue?" asked Kakuzu.

"I swear to Jashin it's like I'm invisible or something."

"Mary-Sue is a negative term used in literary criticism to describe an original character that is often overly idealised," explained Sasori, "And I would consider story me being attracted to her, just barely minutes after speaking to her, overly idealised."

"Lalalalala! Jashin-sama is the best! Lalalalala!"

Kakuzu nodded his understanding.

Kisame suddenly piped up, "Where did you toss the scroll to, Sasori?"

The redhead looked around him, the others also looking confusedly around them, wondering where the scroll had landed.

"AHA!" Hidan brandished the open scroll around. "Now you guys can't ignore me! Back at you motherfuckers!"

The rest rolled their eyes at his immaturity. "Just continue reading **the damn thing**!" snapped Zetsu.

Hidan scowled at the black and white man and settled down a little.

* * *

_She blushed as he, the puppet freak, blew a kiss at her-gag- and left the room. Probably to polish his wooden ass._

* * *

"Read the proper text and don't add your own words!" snapped Sasori.

* * *

_She stared at the doorway from which he just left by. She still didn't know where she was!_

_She padded toward the door and peeked out – straight into amethyst eyes. The hot person that the eyes were attached to looked at her and gave a sexy smirk._

* * *

"Pretty sure he added the 'hot' and 'sexy' himself, un!"

* * *

_"Well hi there. May I help you with something?"_

_She stuttered a little, "I-I was just wondering where am I?"_

_"Oh of course. You must be tired you poor thing. Here, let me tell you everything that's happened." The good looking shirtless muscular man then brought her back into the room and sat her down before explaining to her the circumstances surrounding her arrival._

_From what he told her, his voice was sooo alluring by the way, they were the Akatsuki, a criminal organisation. She had been found near their base, injured and barely alive. Also, had she mentioned how weirdly gorgeous his magenta eyes were?_

_"But, if you are criminals, why would you all save me?"_

_"Because how could we ever let an angel lie in the dirt for all of eternity? Jashin would never forgive us if we did that."_

_"Jashin?"_

_"He's only the most awesome and holiest god. Without him, I would be nothing."_

* * *

"You know, even with your 'god', you are still nothing." said Sasori.

Most of the Akatsuki, well, Deidara and Kisame, were gagging over the cheesiness of Hidan's words in the story.

"Is Deidara-senpai feeling ok? Tobi will help senpai!" Tobi smacked Deidara on the back really hard a few times, almost causing him to topple over from his position on the floor.

"Stop it, Tobi, un!"

"Did he just call himself muscular and used alluring voice to describe himself? **Narcissistic pig. **And why is he shirtless?** The real Hidan just stripped his own story self. That weirdo.**"

The only response from Hidan was a quick glare at all of them.

* * *

_"Wow that sounds really interesting! Could I perhaps learn more about him from you? I could do with a new religion. Mine didn't really work out so well. Faith got me nowhere and lost me everything," she said sadly._

_His purple eyes widened in delight, "I would love to my dear! But not now, maybe later. For now you must meet our leader. Perhaps you could join our ranks!" Suu felt a little shy as his smoldering gaze remained on her._

_She certainly hoped so, she liked it here so far. Especially the hunk of a man sitting right in front of her. She learned that his name was Hidan._

* * *

"He's doing this on purpose and ignoring us isn't he?" asked Sasori.

"Ugh. I don't care that he's ignoring us. I just hope that he stops adding his own descriptions like 'hunk of a man'," said Kisame with a grimace.

* * *

_The gorgeous silver-haired man brought her out of the room and guided her down a long hallway. Along the way, she passed by a blue man who gave her a wink, and sneered down upon her perversely._

* * *

"Ok that's it! I'm reading this thing!" Kisame snatched the scroll out of Hidan's hands.

"HEY YOU FLIPPING GUPPY! I WAS READING THAT!"

"I AM NOT A FISH!" roared Kisame.

"WELL YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME WITH THAT FISH STINK! YOU PIECE OF RAW WEIRDLY COLOURED SUSHI! DID SOMEONE POUR A VAT OF TOXIC WASTE INTO THE LAKE YOU WERE BORN IN? MAYBE IF YOU BELIEVED IN JASHIN THEN HE WOULD HAVE REMOVED THE FOOD COLOURING FROM YOUR FACE."

"YOUR STUPID GOD DOESN'T EXIST, DUMBASS!"

They were about to launch at each other when tendrils shot out and coiled themselves around Hidan. Similarly, hundreds of pieces of paper flew and wrapped around Kisame, restricting both parties' movements and their mouths. Both of them gave muffled shouts and glared at Kakuzu and Konan respectively.

Tobi picked up the dropped scroll and declared, "Tobi the reader shall read because Tobi is a good boy!"

* * *

_The silver-haired man brought her out of the room and guided her down a long hallway. Along the way she passed by a blue man who gave her a wink, and smirked down upon her cockily. He was a rather chiselled man, as seen by the outline of his toned chest prominent under his thin shirt and sculpted biceps._

* * *

Kisame gave a muffled shout of agreement. Hidan on the other hand made retching noises.

* * *

_Suu hid shyly behind Hidan as the blue man went on his way. Hidan shot a glare at the retreating back as he told her to stay away from him. He wrapped an arm protectively around her shoulders as they continued walking. It was wrong of Hidan to touch the girl in such a way! Tobi shall save her!_

_Just after the blue man had left, an orange masked man appeared in front of them. "TOBI TO THE RESCUE!" he shouted, grabbed the girl by her wrist and teleported away, thus saving her from the grasps of the mean perverted Hidan._

* * *

Konan sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose, "Tobi. That wasn't part of the story was it?"

"Tobi did appear Konan-san! But Tobi thinks that this version of his appearance is much better!"

"Itachi would you please take over the reading?"

"Aww but Tobi wants to read!"

"Just hand it **over to him Tobi.**"

Itachi reached over and took the scroll from a pouting Tobi (although no one could see that because of his mask).

* * *

_Just after the blue man had left, an orange masked man appeared in front of them._

_"Ooh, is this the pretty girl that Tobi helped save?"_

_"You saved me?" _

_Tobi nodded, "Tobi was the one who found you and got Sasori-san to help!" _

_"Thank you very much!" _

_Tobi skipped around Hidan and gave her a tight hug, "You're welcome! Tobi likes Suu-chan very much!" He then teleported away. She gaped a little at the spot where he had left; it was the first time she had seen anyone execute such a perfect Body Flicker Technique, if it could even be called that!_

_Hidan growled slightly. Why was every damn man in this place after the woman he wanted?_

_They stopped in front of a large door and he knocked. "Come in," answered a deep voice._

_Stepping in, Suu found herself looking at a man with orange hair. "Hidan you may leave," the man dismissed her companion._

_After Hidan had left, the man walked out from behind his desk and stopped in front of her. He had multiple piercings on his face and ears. He also had strange purple rings in his eyes._

_"Your name is Suu?"_

_"H-hai," she stuttered slightly._

_"Suu-san, I believe Hidan has explained the circumstances of how you ended up here?" He continued after she nodded. "Well I have been doing a little research on you and your village. I found a scratched out headband of the Woods on you," he explained at her questioning look._

_"Now I perfectly understand your situation. You have nowhere to go and probably nobody left in the world. However the Akatsuki does not allow outsiders to live, especially not after they know of our identity and location."_

_Her heartbeat quickened, she was afraid of that._

_"However, I am willing to offer you a proposition," His words caused Suu to look up hopefully, at the same time a little fearful at what he was going to say. _

_He chuckled, "Don't look so nervous." He reached out and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder._

_"I would like to offer you a chance to join the Akatsuki."_

* * *

"Say no Suu, un!"

"Oh shut up brat. Just because you joined unwillingly does not mean that others are like you. And besides, she's a Mary-Sue. She's definitely going to join."

* * *

_"I accept!" _

* * *

"Told you."

* * *

_"Good. My name is Pein and I am the leader of the Akatsuki." Pein gave her a small smile and took a step toward her, arms outstretched._

_"That is not good!" A snarky bitchy sounding female voice interrupted Pein's action. A woman with blue hair appeared in the doorway. She also had weird dull amberish-greyish eyes._

* * *

"Itachi!" Konan said indignantly.

Itachi glanced at her, "I'm just reading from the actual text word for word."

Konan pouted slightly and folded her arms, "My eyes are not weird. And why am I the snarky bitchy one?"

Hidan apparently tried to answer that as a muffled "Welf, youf far omf!" sounded.

"I'm going to translate and take a guess that he was saying, 'Well, you are one!"

Konan shot a cold look at the speaker, "Thank you Sasori."

"Just trying to help," Sasori gave a small smirk.

* * *

_"Konan," Pein said in an irritated tone. Clearly, the man did not like this woman named Konan._

_"Pein what were you thinking?! How could you possibly let an outsider just join us? Seriously of all the stupid decisions to make!"_

_Suu gasped internally, how could this Konan woman speak to the leader in such a rude manner? Well she wouldn't stand for this!_

_Suu stepped in front of the leader and faced the woman, "Excuse me, but I think that I am fully qualified to join the Akatsuki. After all, my ninjutsu abilities are rather well-polished and I do have experience in an elite ANBU."_

_Konan looked up and down Suu as if sizing her up, "You?" Her cold look sent shivers down Suu's back. "A small little worthless pathetic looking piece of garbage picked up on the sides of our street?" she scorned._

_Suu felt as if the woman had dealt her a terrible blow. She knew that she wasn't very beautiful, but she had liked to think that she at least looked average._

* * *

"Ok, first of all, I would never act that way to a stranger. Secondly, I would never speak to Pein that way, And thirdly, what?"

"I told you that she was a Mary-Sue. Now let's just hurry and finish this horrible story up."

* * *

_She didn't know how to respond to the woman's hurtful words. But luckily, Pein stood up for her._

_"Konan, stop talking to our newest member like that. She will be joining us and that decision is final."_

_Konan huffed and stomped out of the room._

_She then turned to Pein gratefully and was about to thank him for defending her when he kissed her! On the lips!_

* * *

"Oh if only Leader was here to hear this, un!"

"Hear what?" They all turned to the doorway to see Pein standing there. He had been on his way down to the kitchen from his office when he had heard his name.

"Leader-sama! We are hearing a story about you kissing a girl!" said Tobi.

Pein blinked, his face emotionless, "Huh. That sounds…I don't care." With that he walked off.

"That was awkward," commented Sasori. The rest agreed, the tied up Kisame and Hidan nodding as well.

* * *

_As he broke away from the kiss, she blushed a bright red. "I think you are very beautiful. Ignore what Konan said. She wouldn't know what beauty was even if it bit her on her arse. No one here really likes her anyway. We just keep her because her skills are useful."_

* * *

"Did story Pein just say arse?"

"I quite like it," said Konan. "Arse." The rest raised a brow and chose to ignore her.

* * *

_His thumb rubbed her cheek slightly and smiled, "Let's go, I'll introduce you to the rest. I promise they will be nicer than Konan."_

* * *

"I hate story Pein though. And story me too."

"I feel the same," said Kakuzu.

"You hate story you too? But you haven't appeared!"

"No, I hate story you too."

Konan shot him a look of resentment. "Just wait until the story mentions you."

* * *

_He brought her out to a large living room. All the rest of the Akatsuki members were there, including Hidan, Sasori, Tobi, Konan and the blue man from before. Konan glared at her from her seat._

_With Pein's introductions, she learned the others' names- the blue man was Kisame, and there was Deidara, a blond with striking blue eyes and amazing looking mouths on his hands, Kakuzu, a stately man with curious stitch scars, Zetsu, a strangely attractive bicoloured man that was arguing with himself rather cutely, and Itachi, an elegantly handsome man with raven hair and striking red Sharingan eyes._

_Pein instructed them to make her feel welcomed, shooting Konan a stern look the whole time._

_Itachi approached Suu and took her hand, giving it a soft kiss in greeting._

* * *

Konan looked at Itachi, he wasn't giving much reaction to the actions of story him. "Why don't you ever greet me that way Itachi?"

He looked up at her and replied in a calm tone, "Are you sure you want me to kiss your hand in greeting? I don't particularly care for it, but if you insist, I suppose I have to follow your orders."

"So much for trying to get a rise out of you."

"Tobi will kiss Konan-san's hand if you wish! Tobi is a good boy!"

"Stay away from me Tobi!" Konan said. She had to play along with Tobi's persona in front of the others.

"Aww, but Tobi is a good boy! Konan-san doesn't like Tobi?"

"Who would, un? Just shut up and listen to the story! Oi Uchiha! Would you just hurry up and finish it, yeah?"

"Indeed, I hate to be kept waiting," added Sasori.

* * *

_"You have beautiful grey eyes my lady." She blushed lightly._

* * *

"**Isn't she light-headed from all the blushing yet? **Hush, don't interrupt Itachi's reading. **Who cares? The story is stupid anyway. **Well I for one would like to know how story us is going to act. **Pfft. Is it going to end soon?**"

Itachi obliged his rhetoric statement with an answer, "Soon."

* * *

_"Your lady? I beg to differ, I've had my eyes set on her ever since I laid my eyes on her exquisite self, Itachi," Kisame walked over as well and tugged her hand out of Itachi's grasp._

_Suu jumped a little as threads wrapped themselves around Kisame and tossed him aside. The tall large man with stitches came before her and bowed, "Will you be mine, Suu-san, for your eyes that are brighter than polished silver and your luscious green locks that are the exact shade of money bills, I am mesmerised."_

* * *

Konan smirked at Kakuzu, "Do you hate your story self now? Because I sure do hate story you too."

"I'm having a hard time imagining myself being mesmerised by someone with silver eyes and green hair. But I don't hate story me, because although he's acting weird, he at least understands the appeal of valuable things."

* * *

_"If you would be with me, I would give up all the bounties and money in the world! For you are a wondrous priceless treasure."_

* * *

"I take that back, story me needs to get his priorities straight."

"You know, by now Hidan would probably be throwing all sorts of insults and Kisame would be laughing like mad, un."

They all looked at Hidan and Kisame, who both looked like they were gasping for air as if they had some sort of weird seizure.

"I think they are trying too hard. I hope they try even harder so that they will choke on themselves and spare us from their idiocy forever," said Sasori.

Ignoring the two writhing men, they all turned back to Itachi who resumed the reading.

* * *

_Deidara stepped up too and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, "It's obvious that you all are no match for my striking good looks and artistic flair. Learn your place now and quit while you're ahead."_

* * *

"What, un?" Deidara noticed that Sasori had been staring at him.

"Surely you don't have those thoughts, right?"

"Uh. I do think that I'm pretty good looking. What's with that question, un?"

Sasori looked up and down Deidara disinterestedly. "Nothing, just asking," he replied in a dismissive tone. Deidara frowned at his danna. What was with that scan? Was he trying to say he was ugly or something?

* * *

_Zetsu ripped Deidara's arm off Suu and pulled her toward him. "**This delectable delight** is ours."_

_Hidan pulled her away from him into his embrace, "She is destined to be Jashin-sama's follower!"_

_Chakra threads appeared and whisked her away from his grip. She landed on the lap of a still sitting Sasori. "Such a perfect specimen should be kept in its glory for all eternity," he caressed her cheek._

_Suu was harshly jerked out of his lap into Tobi's arms. "Suu-san belongs to Tobi! Tobi was the one who found her!" he said while holding her bridal style._

_The cycle continued and she was dragged here and there into each man's hold. Even Pein had gotten into the chaos. Only Konan stayed in her seat, watching sulkily at the scene._

* * *

"Aww, poor jealous unwanted Konan," mocked Sasori.

"Say that again and I will make sure you can never speak again."

* * *

_"Guys please!" Suu shouted, tired of being tossed around like a rag._

_Everyone quietened down and looked at the petite woman. "I'm really flattered that all of you think so highly of me. But I really don't want to hurt anybody's feelings and so, I hope that all of you are able to understand. I would love to stay and be with all of you. But if you guys can't accept it and be willing to share, I will choose to leave for the good of everyone."_

_"I vote she leaves," said Konan._

* * *

"Hear! Hear!" said Konan.

"Tobi shall vote for the girl who scolded mean Konan to leave too!"

The others also voiced their agreements of voting with the mean and bitchy Konan, causing the real Konan to scowl at them for calling her, or rather story her, names.

* * *

_Ignoring her, all the men agreed, albeit a little reluctantly, to let everyone have a chance to interact with Suu._

_"Oh my god, you guys are such whores! She's obviously a slut! Who else would want to get with sooo many men and with half of them being weird freaks?!"_

_Suu got a little upset, "I just don't want them to fight over me ok?!"_

_"Sure, that's what you say. But you obviously are just in for the sex."_

_Tears started welling up in Suu's eyes at the hurtful words._

_Pein decided to step in, "Shut up Konan! Since you hate her so much and have caused so much misery in everyone's life, you can be the one to leave! Suu can replace you in terms of skills anyway. You are of no use to us anymore!"_

_The rest all murmured their assents._

_"What?! You can't do this! ARGH!" Konan was then sent by Pein to pack up and leave, never to return again._

_"But, are you sure she won't come back for revenge on me?"_

_"Don't worry, we will send Zetsu after her to make sure she will never show up ever again."_

_Suu smiled at her new family and they smiled back. The smiles promised an eternity of love, companionship and bonds._

* * *

Itachi put down the scroll as the words disappeared. "Well, that's all."

"Ew, the girl is mean to Konan-san! Tobi would never want her!"

"Agreed! I would never fight over a woman who would want to be with nine men, un!"

"Well I'm glad that you guys still have your sensibilities," said Konan. She looked over at Hidan and Kisame and found them blue in the face, well, Hidan was anyway. Kisame's just looked a darker blue.

"I think we should release them now, Kakuzu. Hopefully they have learnt their lesson."

The two released their jutsus, sending Hidan and Kisame crashing onto the floor. They jumped up quickly however, their stomachs rumbling like thunder, and ran out of the room, with Kisame shouting, "We want to hear more! We're gonna go get breakfast for everyone! Prep the next story!"

"You guys are going to eat in here?" asked Itachi.

"Problem, Uchiha?" asked Sasori.

"I just don't want food stains or crumbs everywhere."

"Don't worry we'll just get Hidan and Kisame to clean up afterwards," said Kakuzu.

"WE HEARD THAT!" two shouts echoed from the kitchen.

Itachi sighed and looked down at the scroll on the floor. New words were starting to appear. Before anyone could read it however, Deidara interrupted.

"What was with that question earlier, danna, un?"

"I already said it was nothing brat. Quit bugging me about it."

"It was clearly something! Were you trying to hint that I was ugly or something?"

"Oh, no."

"So you weren't trying to say I was ugly, un?"

"No, I was trying to say that I wasn't hinting. And no, you are not…ugly… but compared to this eternal body of mine…" Sasori trailed off.

"That's it danna! I demand a face off!"

"And how do you exactly suggest we do that?"

"Well, I- uh-"

"We could just read that," Kakuzu interjected, pointing at the now fully worded scroll.

* * *

_Mister Akatsuki_

_A beauty pageant sponsored by the Ninja Alliance to find the hottest criminal out of the most badass criminal organisation out there! Host and emcee: Konan. Ninjas from all over the world vote! Rated T for Hidan's mouth and speedos._

* * *

"Well, this **ought to be interesting.**"

-end chapter-

A/N: My instinct was to try and reduce the story's Mary-Sueness, but since this is a Mary-Sue fic, I tried not to restrict it too much. LET THE STUPIDITY AND CHEESINESS DROWN YOU. I hope it's Mary-Sueish enough!

AND THE NARUTO ANIME'S BACK IN THE WAR! WHOO HOO! GO NARUTO! GO GAARA! Yay Kazekage! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY GAARA! Although somehow over the years he has managed to stay 17, forever young. :'( Happy Belated to Shino too! Poor always forgotten Shino! *hugs*And Naruto versus Itachi? Eep!

Go check out riptocs' story, Dementia! It's a SasoDei fic, very sweet and sad! Spam her with reviews and make her update! :D

Response to previous reviews:

DutchyPuppy: Hey! Sure thing, I'll be waiting! Just read your chapters, the story plot sounds very interesting! Poor Gaara! :( And holy Jashin, it's Jashin! I also voted on your poll but shan't tell who I voted for ;) Can't wait to see more interaction with the other members! :D

kayraisis: Hello! I'm glad that you finally got to review! Yay, I hope that you continue liking the story! I've just read your suggestion, it's a wonderful story plot, but I might not use it because, well, I will only tease a story if the author themselves request it. Sorry! But since this fic is a Mary-Sue fic as well, I hope it kinda made up for it? Here's to hoping for your continuous support!

akatsukirulz: Thank you! Crossover, huh? Will definitely consider it! Any preference to what world you want them to crossover with?

Guest: Thanks! I'll try my best to update more frequently!

naruhina8: Yes it is cheesy! Haha, glad it made you laugh!

The Phantom Dragon: Oh well, at least Zetsu got to act a little bipolar and Kisame and Hidan kissed! XD Heh. Again, wow! Great ideas! Recorded every single one of them! And yes, let's converse via PM instead! :D

Isella of the wolf tribe: Will do!

Masquerade001: Thank you! I'm glad you like it!


	11. Mister Akatsuki

A/N: To apologise for the 2 week delay in story uploads, here's an extra chapter which is also rather long! Yay!

Go check out riptocs' story, Dementia! It's a SasoDei fic, very sweet and sad! Spam her with reviews and make her update! :D  
Fanfiction: /s/8421039/1/Dementia

* * *

_Recap:_

_"So you weren't trying to say I was ugly, un?"_

_"No, I was trying to say that I wasn't hinting. And no, you are not…ugly… but compared to this eternal body of mine…" Sasori trailed off._

_"That's it danna! I demand a face off!"_

_"And how do you exactly suggest we do that?"_

_"Well, I- uh!"_

_"We could just read that," Kakuzu interjected pointing at the now fully worded scroll. _

* * *

_Mister Akatsuki_

_A beauty pageant sponsored by the Ninja Alliance to find the hottest criminal out of the most badass criminal organisation out there! Host and emcee: Konan. Ninjas from all over the world vote! Rated T for Hidan's mouth and speedos._

* * *

_"Well, this __**ought to be interesting.**__"_

_-end recap-_

* * *

"Ooh! Tobi wants to read this!"

"No, you will probably just make Deidara win it because he's your 'senpai'," said Sasori.

"B-but! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi will be fair!"

"No buts. Now hand the scroll over to me."

"Hell no! You would probably make yourself win, Sasori no danna, un."

"Fine. Then Kakuzu will read it."

"Read out loud about Hidan in speedos? Oh joy. No."

"We'll read it. **What? No.** Oh come on, it'll be fun. You can mock them later. **Ugh. Fine. But if the story puts us in speedos…**"

"So what did we miss?" Kisame came in bearing plates of breakfast with Hidan following closely behind him doing the same.

"You guys are all participating in a beauty pageant and I'm the host. Yay," said Konan joylessly.

"Fuck yeah, so winning this, bitches!"

"Shut up Hidan, your attitude will probably turn off the voters."

"I didn't ask for your opinion puppet boy."

"By the way Kakuzu," Kisame interrupted, "There was a delivery for you. I think there are about a hundred boxes right outside our base. What did you order?"

"It's nothing. Just some things to help improve our finances."

"Really…because I swear I could smell cheese," Kisame looked at the man pointedly.

"I have no idea what you are talking about. You'll see the items soon enough. Now let's just get on with the story," Kakuzu's tone indicated the end of the conversation.

* * *

_Konan fussed with the microphone on her lapel, the time was almost up and the stupid equipment kept messing with her!_

_As one of the sound men adjusted her microphone wire for her, she glanced around at the open field. Row after row of plastic white chairs sat in front of an outdoor wooden stage. They were slowly being filled up with people and there was an excited buzz in the air._

_Decorations of balloons, ribbons and fluffy red cotton clouds were EVERYWHERE. Tied up on posts, scattered on the grounds, on the backs of the chairs etc. There was even a booth at the back selling plushies, painted in black and red. But what really completed the whole set-up would be the humongous cloth banner strung along large wooden posts proclaiming: MISTER AKATSUKI. THE BADDEST OF THE BADASSES._

* * *

"There are so many things I could say about that slogan," commented Sasori.

"Well don't, because we would like to get to the main point of the story," replied Konan.

* * *

_Scuffling sounded from behind the stage as Konan's preparations were done. She frowned a little and went backstage, only to be greeted with nine half naked men dog piled on top of each other._

_"Ahem. What are you guys doing?"_

_From the middle of the pile, Pein looked up at her from where he was being squashed between Kakuzu and Kisame._

* * *

"Why do I have to be between those particular two?"

Everyone looked up at the orange haired man, startled by his sudden appearance.

"Since when were you here?" asked Kisame.

"Wow! Leader-sama knows magic! Tobi wants to learn too!"

"Shut up Tobi, you already know how to teleport, un!"

"I came in with Kisame and Hidan. I was right behind them."

"Uh, no you didn't. I think I would know if a whole fucking person was behind me."

"Yes I was."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yes."

"Fucking no!"

"I will decapitate you if you speak another word," Pein threatened, his face remaining emotionless.

"Well, getting back to **MY reading. **Our reading. **I don't care. Just read.**"

* * *

_"Hey Konan!" Pein greeted her._

_Konan reached down and plucked each man off of each other then stared sternly at them with her hands on her hips as they grinned at her sheepishly._

_Deidara decided to offer an explanation, "Well, it all started when Tobi stole my body glaze and I chased after him but he crashed into Sasori who threw his brush and it hit Hidan who cussed up a storm and irritated Kakuzu who shot out his threads which accidentally knocked over Kisame's dressing table which was actually a fish tank and everything splashed out over Pein who started throwing all his kunai and one stabbed Itachi's bottle of wrinkle-free cream and it all spilled out causing a rather messy wet floor along with everything else that was already on the floor and everyone slipped and then Zetsu got mad because all the chemicals were bad for his plants and…well it escalated from there," he gasped as he drew in a large breath._

_"Ok…I think I got all of that…Well the pageant is starting in 2 minutes! If you divas could just get it together?"_

_All the men gasped. 2 minutes?! They all ran around scrambling for their introductory suits and shouted instructions at their personal entourage of make-up artists, hairstylists, and strangely, Tobi also had a cotton candy vendor._

_Konan shook her head at the sight. Bunch of prissy men. Lord knew how they were once revered as the most evil criminal organisation out there._

_She primped up a little in a nearby mirror, making sure her hair was perfect before taking a deep breath, and stepped out from behind the curtains._

_She was greeted with dozens of flashing cameras, cheers and applause. Red lights indicated live television rolling._

_"WELCOME ALL TO THE INAUGURAL MISTER AKATSUKI!" The cheers and applause got even louder and women in the crowd started squealing in excitement._

_"Remember people, you are allowed to vote for your favourite heartthrob and the one with the most number of votes will have a bigger chance of winning!_

_Now let's welcome our three guest judges! Firstly from Konoha, the Fifth Hokage, Tsunade-sama!" Cue applause and cheers._

_"Next we have from Kumo, the Fourth Raikage, A!" Cue cheering once again, and this time a strange distant rapping was heard as well._

_"AND FINALLY! We have from Iwa, Onoki, the Third Tsuchikage! Huh?"_

_A production assistant ran out onto the stage and whispered something into Konan's ear before running off again._

_"I'm sorry, it seems that Onoki-sama has ties to Deidara, one of the contestants. For impartiality's sake, the Tsuchikage will be replaced by Terumi Mei, the Fifth Mizukage from Kiri!" The old man was escorted from his seat, grumbling about his bad back while a pretty brunette sat in his place._

_"Well then! Let's get started! Give a loud welcome for our contestants, the Akatsuki!"_

_Disco music played and coloured spotlights started flashing on stage while a stream of the Akatsuki men in business suits came out waving and beaming. Sighs could be heard from all over the world as women stared at their magnificent figures on television._

_"Now as you all know, there will be a number of rounds for judging. The talent competition, the swimsuit competition, formal wear, best body part and finally, Q&A! Prizes will be awarded for each category and the ultimate man will be Mister Akatsuki! Now let's get our contestants ready for the first round!"_

* * *

_First Round – The Talent Competition_

**_Kakuzu_**

_"Oh! Contestant number 1 is coming out shirtless!" _

_Girly shrieks could be heard in the audience. _

_"I think we need a medic for that person having a massive nosebleed in Row 27! Oh my, what is Mr Kakuzu doing?"_

_Kakuzu flexed and out came four masked beasts from his back. _

_"Uh, I don't think your specialty jutsu is considered a talent…ooh!"_

_The four beasts suddenly brought out props such as balls and unicycles and started performing circus tricks. Kakuzu himself started doing flips, cartwheels and showed off his amazing flexibility, bending where no man should ever bend, without a single flinch. He finished off with a series of backflips, summoned his creatures back into his back and bowed._

_"Thank you Mr Kakuzu, Contestant Number 1! Remember to send your votes via your friendly postal service, the postal ninjas! Sure to reach us within 4 hours!"_

**_Deidara_**

_"And now for Contestant Number 2! Mr…Miss Deidara?" Deidara had come out in a frilly dress and heels, a bonnet on his head._

* * *

"You can close your mouth now, brat."

Deidara was staring at the scroll, his mouth agape and not believing what he just heard. A dress?

"Well at least now you know your talent blondie."

"Fuck off Hidan."

"Well fuck you too missy."

Deidara's retort was cut off by Zetsu's disregard for their conversation.

* * *

_This time both the females AND males in the crowd swooned._

_Catchy music sounded and Deidara started dancing to the beat. In one swoosh, he ripped his dress off-_

* * *

"Tobi doesn't think that senpai flashing the audience counts as a talent!"

* * *

_-revealing another dress underneath! This time it was sparkly and Deidara stretched out his arms and did spirit fingers!_

_"Oh wow! Mr Deidara sure knows how to wow the crowd! He's sure got spirit!"_

_Deidara continued dancing and showed off an entire wardrobe of 25 dresses, each one more glamorous than the next, making many girls, and guys, gasp in jealousy and possibly lust._

_"That was wonderful! And certainly unusual! I'm surprised he didn't show off his sculpting skills instead. Thank you Contestant Number 2! Remember to vote, people!"_

* * *

"You've got the male audience lusting after you Deidara!" Kisame laughed.

"As with Hidan, fuck off, un! And story Konan is right! I SHOULD BE SHOWING OFF MY REAL TALENT! ART IS AN EXPLOSION!"

* * *

**_Pein_**

_"Contestant Number 3! Pein-sama, also known as the leader of the Akatsuki! GASP!"_

_Pein crawled out onto the stage, bloodied and his face screwed up in pain. _

_"What happened to you Pein-sama?!"_

_"Karma. Yes, karma."_

_"What? We must get you help! Medics!"_

_"No, it is no use. I probably only have minutes to live. Will you hear my story before I vanish from this earth forever?"_

_With tears welling up in her eyes, Konan nodded along with thousands in the audience._

_"I once fell in love with this girl I met while on a mission. She was like a light in the darkness of my life. So gentle and so sweet. But our love was not meant to be, for her father was a cruel dictator of a small but resourceful town." He paused to cough out some blood, making the women in the crowd give out sounds of worry for him. He quieted them with a wave of a hand._

_"He wanted money. And I had money, but the greedy man wanted more! He wanted a lifetime of endless riches! Even if I robbed a bank every day, it wouldn't satisfy that man's horrible wants!_

_After weeks of me fighting to gain his approval and robbing banks in other towns to pamper my potential father-in-law, he one day told me over dinner, that the love of my life had fallen in love with another." _

_Outraged gasps echoed from the quiet audience listening intently, hanging onto his every word._

_"I was heartbroken, torn to pieces. I had no choice but to leave, seeing as that girl had accepted the other man's hand in marriage. I dived into work, sending out others on missions, writing up new ones, training, slaving away on paperwork and more. I was trying to forget the pain of my broken heart._

_One day, news of a small war in that girl's hometown reached my ears. She had died in the conflict. But what shocked me more was the fact that her body had been found in a whorehouse. After much research and intelligence gathering, I found out that her father had lied to me._

_He had lied to me about her falling for another, had made me leave and caused her to think that I had abandoned her. In truth, he had pimped her out as a prostitute every day; earning an endless source of income. From that day on, I swore never to love again, for I had betrayed the one that I loved and that had loved me. Never again."_

_Konan sniffed, wiping her tears and blowing her nose in a napkin. Half the audience were all out crying, bawling into their hankies or boyfriends' shoulders._

_"That is so sad. But…what has it got to do with you being injured?"_

_"You see my dear, my talent, is ACTING!" Pein jumped up with his arms outstretched, gave a bow and walked backstage._

* * *

"Holy Jashin. I'm so going to try that out on the ladies next time!"

"That is if you don't sacrifice them first."

"Fuck off fishy."

"Make me albino!"

"SHUT UP (un)!" The two men jumped from the collective shout of all the other members.

"Well, as long as he stops calling me a fish," pouted Kisame.

Hidan gave a scoff, "I bet the story will relate you to fish too."

"You are on!"

* * *

_"Uh? Ok…well, ladies and gentlemen, that was contestant number 3, Pein!" Konan took a moment to recollect her emotions as did the audience who were slightly disoriented from their sobbing._

**_Kisame_**

_"And here comes number 4, Mr Kisame!"_

_Kisame came out pushing a huge tank of water._

* * *

"HAH! SEE?"

"THEY HAVEN'T MENTIONED FISH YET!"

"Just wait for it. They fucking will."

* * *

_Inside the tank was a multitude of colourful tropical fish._

* * *

Kisame's shoulders drooped while Hidan gave him a look of victory.

* * *

_Climbing up the steps at the side of the tank, Kisame gave a large sharky grin and dived into the tank._

_He made a beautiful jet of bubbles in the water, spelling out how gorgeous the audience looked today, gaining appreciative giggles from fans._

_Suddenly, he started morphing in the water, fusing with his Samehada and transformed into a shark-like creature. Giving a thumbs-up to the audience, he started a rather bloody scene chasing after the fishes with fluid movements and chomping down on them._

_Ending with a final jump into the air before splashing back into the now red water, he climbed out and gave a huge grin before pushing the tank back off the stage._

_"Well…that was certainly a…colourful performance. Great swimmer, and a great fisherman! Contestant number 4 people!"_

* * *

"What kind of talent was THAT? Ugh!" Kisame threw his hands up in the air then stomped out of the room muttering about getting revenge on fish-calling people.

Kakuzu looked at Itachi who seemed unconcerned. "Should we be worried?"

"If he vents it off in training then he'll be fine."

"What if he doesn't go training?"

"Then yes you guys should be worried."

"What the fuck about you?"

Itachi turned his gaze onto Hidan, "I'll be avoiding him."

"Tch, coward."

Zetsu scowled at them before returning to the story.

* * *

**_Hidan_**

_"Contestant 5, Mr Hidan!"_

_Hidan's talent presentation was unfortunately interrupted by Konan as he tried to stab himself one more time lying in a diagram of his blood._

_She kicked him back into the wings of the stage and smiled back at the visibly disturbed audience._

_"Clearly Mr Hidan was confused about the meaning of talent. Well, that was contestant 5 folks!"_

* * *

"HEY! I CAN BE FUCKING TALENTED!"

"Whatever, un."

* * *

**_Zetsu_**

_"And that was contestant number 6, Zetsu-san, who just gave us a wonderful performance of pot-hopping! Who knew jumping one-legged into empty pots while arguing with yourself could be so entertaining?"_

**_Sasori_**

_Contestant 7, Mr Sasori was also interrupted by Konan from his puppet theatre show when one of his puppets started chopping off its fellow puppet co-star's limbs._

_"Puppets people! What a great show! Number 7, Sasori!"_

**_Tobi_**

_Tobi gave a wonderful tap dance and song to Candyman along with a full costume of a real cane made out of peppermint surrounded by falling candy. He ended off the show by tossing hundreds of candy into the squealing crowd of kids gathered in front of the stage._

_"Number 8, Mr Tobi! What a wonderfully sweet performance!"_

**_Itachi_**

_Uchiha Itachi gave a rather stunning performance, using his Tsukuyomi to give everyone an illusion of him doing whatever activity they favoured best, with them none-the-wiser. He did however find it slightly disturbing that half the audience were imagining him strip dancing with a pole though._

_"NUMBER 9 UCHIHA ITACHI!" He gained a standing ovation._

* * *

_Round 2 – Formal Wear_

_The formal wear competition went rather smoothly._

_The men looked dashing in their tailored tuxedos making the women squeal and throw their underwear on stage. Tobi did freak out a little from a thong that landed on his mask. He was also the only one wearing a tuxedo that was pastel blue._

_Kisame and Kakuzu showed off their large statures perfectly and Itachi got to show off his long legs._

_Deidara and Sasori looked handsomely young in their matching suits as did Hidan who showed off a hint of his bare chest, his Jashin pendant gleaming against his skin._

_Zetsu had split himself into two, each coloured side wearing an opposing colour. Black wore white while white wore black._

* * *

_Round 3 - Swimsuits_

_Many medics were on red alert for the swimsuit competition. A record high of number of nose-bleeds under an hour was recorded as the men paraded their muscles out to the world._

_Hidan had chosen to wear a speedo, showing off everything. Surprisingly, everyone else except for Tobi was also wearing speedos. Tobi wore swimming shorts instead._

* * *

"They put us in a speedo! **Ugh, I'm going to find the author and eat her!**" Zetsu fumed a little before resuming the story.

* * *

_Hidan gave quite a show by attacking the others who had copied his speedos style, causing manly muscles to ripple and the rest of the world to swoon._

_After things were in order, meaning after Konan had kicked their asses into behaving, they resumed their positions._

_Flexing their muscles and tensing their thighs, they showed off their various 6-packs and 8-packs, biceps and calves. Tobi, also rather well-toned, showed off his cute butt in the fitting shorts._

* * *

"Yay! Tobi has a cute butt!"

* * *

_Final round – Q&A_

_The Q&A went rather… interestingly._

_"How do you describe sex appeal?"  
Hidan declared rather proudly with a smirk: "I'm the fucking epitome of sex appeal."_

_"Tell us about one life-changing experience in your life."  
Itachi pondered for a moment before stating quite impassively: "My brother came out of the closet and declared his incestuous love for me."_

* * *

A choking sound interrupted the story and every one turned to see Itachi who had choked on his breakfast.

"Is Itachi-san having a heart attack?" Tobi asked.

They all decided that it would be better to leave Itachi alone to handle his "revelation".

"Hi all!" Kisame had come back in smiling.

"Where did you go?" asked Kakuzu.

"Oh nowhere, just went to vent a little. Um, why is Itachi choking?"

"He just fucking found out that his brother's gay and in love with him."

Itachi shot a Sharingan activated glare at Hidan, which made him duck behind Kakuzu, before motioning Zetsu to continue.

* * *

_"Tell me about a recent goal you accomplished."  
Kisame: "As I, stand here, in front of you, while the whole wide world is watching over me, I am proud to say that this is my recently achieved goal, with many more in store." *wink*_

_"How would you change the world if you were to play God for a day?"  
Pein: "I am God."  
"Ok… how would you change the world then?"  
Pein: "To impart knowledge by giving and taking to empower the uneducated. People learn from pain."_

_"Most Admired Person?"  
Sasori: "My grandmother."_

* * *

Sasori raised a brow at his supposed answer.

* * *

_"Tell me something about yourself."  
Deidara: "I am an embodiment of a new meaning of life. My purpose here is to find the meaning and to fulfil it. This platform is one of my steps towards reaching my goal for this destiny, which I will decide. ART IS A BANG YEAH!"_

_"Tell me something that will make me remember you."  
Zetsu: "I ate approximately __**206 people so far this week**__."  
Konan stepped farther away from Zetsu after his answer._

_"Who is your role model?"  
Tobi: "Tobi's role model is Tobi! Because for Tobi, every day is an endeavour to do better than yesterday! And also because Tobi is a good boy! But Tobi also likes Deidara-senpai very much too!"_

* * *

"Yay! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi likes you senpai!"

"Whatever, un."

* * *

The men all stood in a row smiling in their best suits.

"_It's finally the time of the night! Now let's hear our judges' and voters' decisions!"_

_Konan unfolded a card and read from it._

_"Our judges and voters say, for Most Talented, Contestant 9, UCHIHA ITACHI!" Itachi stepped up smirking and received a sash stating 'Mr Talented'._

_"For Most Formal, MR ZETSU!" Both sides of Zetsu merged back and went to receive their sash indicating 'Mr Formality'._

_"Best Body in a swimsuit, MR HIDAN! Great, now we'll never hear the end of this." Hidan made a fuck yeah gesture and got his sash saying 'Mr Swimsuit'._

* * *

"We'll never hear the end of it either, un."

"Oh you're just fucking jealous."

* * *

_"Best Answer, KISAME!" More applause and a new sash saying "Mr Talker" was given._

* * *

"We haven't won anything yet, un."

"Maybe both you and Sasori just aren't appealing to people," sniggered Kisame.

"Shut it shark boy. If you say we are unappealing, try saying it to Pein and Kakuzu's face."

"I AM still in this room you know," Pein looked pointedly at Kisame and Sasori.

"So am I," said Kakuzu.

Kisame looked sheepish and apologised.

* * *

"_Now for the best body parts! Best eyes, Pein! Best arms, Kakuzu! Best smile, Kisame! Best legs, Deidara! Best hands, Sasori! Best hair, Itachi! Best chest, Hidan! Best ears, Zetsu!"_

* * *

"**Ears? Best ears? **On the bright side at least we didn't get best legs like Deidara."

Deidara scowled at Zetsu, "At least I won something, un!"

"So did I, brat."

"For best fucking hands. Your hands must be dainty! Just like blondie's supposedly shapely legs!"

"Fuck off Hidan (un)!" Sasori and Deidara snapped at him.

"And I got the fucking best chest out of all of you!"

"You mean those loose moobs (man boobs) you call a chest?"

"Piss off puppet!"

"I might, if you bothered to come up with more original insults."

"Tobi is sad! Tobi didn't win anything! And Tobi is a good boy!"

"There's still more to the story Tobi. **It hasn't ended yet you fool.**"

* * *

_"AND NOW! For the most coveted title of the night! Winning by an overwhelming response, I present to you, MISTER AKATSUKI, TOBI!"_

* * *

"WHAT?!" Hidan, Kisame and Deidara asked at the same time.

* * *

_"According to responses, Tobi's talent was wonderful, making little kids happy with candy and entertaining adults with his song and dance. A modest show of his toned body and cute butt in the swimsuit show, and standing apart from his peers in a colourful suit for formal wear. Showed great confidence yet with some humility in his answer for a role model. YAY FOR MISTER AKATSUKI, TOBI!"_

* * *

"That sucks, un."

"Tobi won over my hot body? The epitome of sex appeal that is me?!"

"Can't believe I tied with the brat in number of awards."

"Well it is just fiction, let's not get too serious about this guys," Konan tried to get them to stop sulking, "Pein, say something."

Pein looked at his criminals and gave a small sigh. "Although I must admit that my eyes are indeed the best out of everyone in this room, Konan is right. Stop fussing over a petty story."

Deidara sighed too before noticing something, "Uh, why is my butt feeling wet?"

"Did you not do potty training brat?"

The blond artist gave a sarcastic smile at Sasori before flaring up, "I MEANT THAT THE FLOOR IS WET DANNA, UN!"

Everyone else looked and realised that indeed there was a layer of water on the floor and it seemed to be rising slowly.

Somehow something made them all look at Kisame at the same time and he gave them a sharky grin before BOOM! The door of Itachi's room blasted open and huge waves of water gushed in and flooded the room. Everyone spluttered from the sudden sprays and paddled to the large, now floating desk in the middle of the room.

"KISAME?!" Pein roared.

Itachi had managed to save the scroll and was also sitting in the middle of the desk looking at the swirling waters around them in his room. He glared at the blue man who was still in the water.

Konan took the scroll from him and was about to roll it up when the words on the scroll refreshed.

* * *

_Last Thoughts_

_What was going through Uchiha Obito's mind as the rocks fell upon him? A birthday special for someone who was a great friend and a good man but fell into darkness._

* * *

"Tobi didn't hear Konan-san properly over the roaring of Leader-sama and the water! Whose name did you mention?"

"I don't know who he is but the name is an Uchiha Obito."

Tobi didn't respond.

* * *

_-end chapter-_

A/N: Go check out riptocs' story, Dementia! It's a SasoDei fic, very sweet and sad! Spam her with reviews and make her update! :D  
Fanfiction: /s/8421039/1/Dementia

Many thanks to eclipsed flower and riptocs for beta help!

Response to previous reviews:

BLOWBITO UCHIHAHAHA: Ah, I think my Mary-Sue is not Sue-ish enough either. Oh well, I'm just not as crazy as the other Mary-Sue fic writers I guess! Haha.

lilsakuraxxXX: Lol! Thank you, you awesome person! I'll try to update more regularly!

DutchyPuppy: Ooh, more Deidara? Haha, can't wait! One update coming right up! By the way, it doesn't have to be only one chapter. If two or more, I can combine them if they aren't excessively long, or if they are, we can scatter them and insert one of yours every couple of my chapters. Does this sound confusing? XD

mia: Yay you! And yay me!

Guest: Ew! No! I'm not going to watch that. I've watched it many times years ago, oh the horrifying sadism behind their sweet Happy Tree Friends façade. D: So. Much. Blood. Brrr.

kurohime1024: Hello! I remember you! I read your story, Akatsuki no Hime, before! Here you go, one update! :D


	12. Last Thoughts

A/N: LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS NOW. Ok, some of you sounded really excited for this chapter, I think I overdid the cliff-hanger, lol. So I went back and re-edited this again hoping that it would meet your excitement. Please forgive me if it disappoints!

Anyway, possible spoilers warning in regards to Tobi!

Thank you to **The Phantom Dragon** for ideas.

The fic within this fic is rather short as I'm focusing more on the fic outside the fic which is my overall fic. Get it? Muahaha, wrap your brain around it.

I do not own Naruto.

* * *

_Deidara sighed too, before noticing something. "Uh, why is my butt feeling wet?"_

_"Did you not do potty training brat?"_

_"I MEANT THAT THE FLOOR IS WET DANNA, UN!"_

_Everyone else looked and realised that there was indeed a layer of water on the floor, and it seemed to be rising slowly._

_Somehow, something made them all look at Kisame at the same time and he gave them a sharky grin before BOOM! The door of Itachi's room blasted open and huge waves of water flooded in, making everyone splutter and paddle to the large, now floating desk in the middle of the room._

_"KISAME?!" Pein roared._

_Itachi had managed to save the scroll and was also sitting on the middle of the desk, looking at the waters swirling around them. He glared at the blue man who was still in the water._

_Konan took the scroll from him and was about to roll it up when the words on the scroll refreshed._

* * *

_Last Thoughts_

_What was going through Uchiha Obito's mind as the rocks fell upon him? A birthday special for someone who was a great friend and a good man but fell into darkness._

* * *

_"Tobi didn't hear Konan-san properly over the roaring of the water! Whose name did you mention?"_

_"I don't know who he is, but the name is a certain Uchiha Obito."_

_Tobi didn't respond._

_-end recap-_

* * *

"Who's Obito? A relative of yours, Itachi?" asked Sasori.

"I have heard of him. His name is on the war memorial in Konoha. He died in the Third Great Shinobi War."

"Then why are we fucking reading about him?!"

"I don't know but I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD BE READING NOW, UN! OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?!"

Dozens of snapping fish jumped out of the water and attempted to take bites out of the Akatsuki members' limbs, which were dangling off the desk.

Hidan yelped and raised his leg off the edge as one came dangerously close. "ARE THOSE FUCKING PIRANHAS?!"

"Yeah, they are a pretty rare species," replied Kisame nonchalantly and rather proudly. He was now standing on the water.

"WHY ARE THEY FUCKING LOOSE?!"

"Well, I decided to flood the place to teach you guys a lesson."

"FOR?"

"What do you think?" Kisame's voice was laden with sarcasm. "For calling me a fish! But I guess the water pressure might have been too high so it cracked all of my aquariums."

"Well now my joints are wet too," Sasori said in a dangerous tone.

"Kisame, I command you to stop this flood right now and remove all these sea creatures!"

"I can't, Leader-sama. The creatures must be hand-caught because no jutsus work on them."

"THEN START CATCHING THEM!" Pein snapped.

"Ok, ok." Kisame dove back into the water and disappeared into the depths of what was once Itachi's room.

"Well, uh, since we have nothing to do except wait, why not read more about this Uchiha Obito?" Konan tried to lighten the mood.

"But Tobi doesn't want to read about someone he doesn't know!"

"Well, it's always good to read about new people. For all we know, it could contain intel about some powerful shinobi that he actually once knew!"

"Yes. I heard that he was a student of the Fourth Hokage and was on the same team as Hatake Kakashi and Nohara Rin," Itachi said.

"See Tobi?"

"But but…"

"But nothing! It's just a story!"

"Yes but…"

"Is there any other reason why you wouldn't want us to read it Tobi, un?"

"Well, no…but…"

"Then it's fine!" Konan tried to get a better grip on the scroll while huddling on a corner of the desk, avoiding the jumping man-eating fish.

* * *

_As the boulders and rocks came crashing down, Obito wondered..._

_He wondered how life could have been had he been braver. Had he confessed to Rin-_

* * *

"Tobi doesn't know who Rin is!"

"We all don't know who Rin is either, un! Shut up Tobiiieee!" Deidara was startled by one of the piranhas jumping onto his sleeve and refusing to let go. He shook his cloak vigorously and the fish was sent flying smack into Konan's face.

"Ow?" Konan grabbed the fish by its tail and tossed it back into the water. She glared at Deidara who mumbled a sorry.

"Tobi still doesn't want to read about unknown people!"

Zetsu picked up the scroll that Konan had dropped on the desk and said that he would read it, shooting Tobi a secret knowing look and nod. Tobi stopped protesting the reading of the story and calmed down.

* * *

_Had he confessed to Rin, would anything have come out of it? He knew she had a crush on Kakashi and not him. Kakashi…he wished he had been able to be friends with Kakashi._

_Minato-sensei had told him about Kakashi's past with his father. Obito supposed he could understand what Kakashi had gone through. How it felt when one of your heroes turned out to be a disgrace in the village's eyes. How it felt when his own father let him down and abandoned him. He really did feel bad for Kakashi and wanted to do something for him_

_ It was unfortunate that the only thing Obito could give him was one of his Sharingan. The Sharingan that he had only just activated mere moments ago because he wanted to save his friends so badly._

_He would miss them so much. A tear ran down the right crushed side of his face._

_The pain had stopped, it was mere numbness now._

_He remembered how he was always late for gatherings because he had stopped to help others in need. He wasn't bragging or trying to give an excuse; he really didn't mean to be late on purpose. Kakashi was so mean to him sometimes._

_He smiled slightly to himself at the thought of the friend and teammate that he had only just become closer to. So stubborn. They were similar in that respect. Luckily Minato-sensei and Rin had often mediated their silly fights…_

* * *

"HEY! I think Kisame has gotten the last of those piranhas! Finally! I need to fucking go!" Hidan jumped off the desk, using his chakra to stay afloat.

Suddenly swarms of tiny fish stuck to his feet and he freaked out. He kicked around wildly and a stray kick hit Kakuzu in the face, making him lose his balance and fall into the water where more swarms of tiny fish darted to him.

"What the fuck are these, Kisame?!"

Kisame's head popped out of the water. "Hey! I didn't say it was clear! Those are doctor fish!"

"Aren't doctor fish used in spas because they eat dead skin or something?" asked Konan.

"Yes, but these are genetically modified. I crossbred them with leeches!" He grinned.

"WHAT ARE YOU? OROCHIMARU?! GET THESE THINGS AWAY FROM ME!" Kakuzu shouted and tried to get back on the desk, but the weight of the water along with the fish-leeches stuck onto his exposed skin were making it difficult.

Hidan gave a shout of pain as a sharp jab made his index finger swell up and throb. He lifted up his right hand to see a swollen fish-leech sucking away happily. "ARGH! KISAME GET THEM THE FUCK OFF OF ME!" He shook his hand vigorously but the thing just held on cheerily, refusing to let go.

"Alright. Alright. Water Release: Great Exploding Water Colliding Wave!"

FWOOSH! Powerful blasts of water sent Hidan and Kakuzu flying into the wall at the other end of the room.

"Ouch! What the hell are you doing?!" Hidan groaned in pain.

"Getting the fish off of you! It worked!"

Both of them realised that they couldn't move, for the force of the water had embedded them into the wall. Using their strength, they broke free and left Kakuzu and Hidan-shaped holes.

Kakuzu glared at the wall then at Kisame. Did he have any idea how much repairing the damage would cost them?!

"Jashin damn it! You said you didn't like being related to fish? Then what's with all these damn creatures?!"

"Hobbies and interests shouldn't define me! Anyway, you guys better get back on the desk before they start swarming again. I'm going back in!" Kisame's head disappeared as he dipped back into the water again.

* * *

_He could feel the ground tremble beneath him as the quake continued. Knowing his end was near, all of his friends and loved ones flashed through his mind._

_Minato-sensei, Kakashi, Rin, Otouu-san, Okaa-san and the entire Uchiha clan. Even the hot-blooded Might Gai who constantly preached about youth, and all the other fellow genin._

* * *

"I hate to interrupt, but we might have a little situation," Kisame's voice broke into the story.

"What is it?" asked Pein.

"Well, I've handled the piranhas, the doctor fish/leeches, even the sharks. Don't ask," he said in response to some of the members' questioning looks.

"The jellyfish are little hard to catch by hand though. This particular species is extremely dangerous. One sting and bye-bye! So it might take a while."

"Jellyfish?!" This time everyone tried to avoid the edges of the desk in case they fell in.

"Yes, but don't worry! I heard that they won't sting you, if you pour WHALE URINE on yourself!" Kisame said with a beam.

The others just stared mutely at him, waiting for him to take the hint from their emotionless/murderous expressions.

He continued to talk, as if in his own world. "But I don't have any whale urine…hmm… Ah! I heard that the sperm of a Beluga Whale repels them too! I think I have some!"

There was a short silence before, "I'd rather get stung," Hidan said with a disgusted look on his face.

"Not only will it repel the jellyfish, it will also repel human beings. **And I can't eat them, if they won't come within a mile of me. **Us! **Whatever!"**

"I think the main question is, why do you possess the sperm of a Beluga Whale?" Sasori asked, staring at Kisame suspiciously.

"I trade a lot. Don't question my hobbies, I don't question yours!"

"Actually you do bug me often about my art."

"Whatever. Well, back to catching! Are you sure you guys don't want any whale sperm?"

"NO! (UN)"

"Well fine! Your loss!"

Zetsu noticed Tobi whispering something to Konan who was nodding, but didn't think much of it.

* * *

_He whispered a soft "I'll be seeing the world through your eyes now, Kakashi." With a smile, he felt the ground beneath him crack and crumble. He fell a long way down and then landed painfully. Darkness encroached upon him…_

* * *

"Well that's the end!" White Zetsu declared happily.

"Wait! There's still text!" Hidan snatched the scroll from Zetsu before he could react and continued reading.

* * *

_He heard a sound. Was he in heaven or hell already? He opened his right eye, which was miraculously unharmed, although he still could not feel the right side of his body. An elderly man stood before him, with…purple ringed eyes? Before he could think of anything else, the darkness enveloped him and he fell unconscious…_

* * *

"Now THAT'S the fucking end. You must be going blind Zetsu."

"**Yes… **I must be…" Zetsu said through gritted teeth.

"Tobi thinks that Hidan should not have snatched it from Zetsu!" Hidan could not see it, but Tobi's Sharingan was activated and he was extremely angry.

"Oh shut up good boy. If I hadn't, then we would have missed that last bit. And who the hell was that old man? Purple ringed eyes? Who has purple ringe-" Hidan paused in the middle of his sentence and looked at Pein, who stared back at him with his own purple ringed eyes.

"Was it you?" He asked Pein brashly.

"No, the story said an elderly man. And Uchiha Obito's time was during the Third Shinobi War. I would have only been a child. It couldn't have been me. And you will address me properly."

"Whatever."

Tobi calmed down a little, realising that no one had any idea of who the elderly man or Uchiha Obito was.

"But…does this mean that Uchiha Obito could actually be alive, un?" asked Deidara.

Tobi tensed up again.

"Pfft, from how Tobi reacted to the story, you would have thought that he might know something," Hidan commented.

Itachi looked at Tobi with an unreadable expression. 'Does he know something?'

"Huh? Tobi doesn't know anything! Tobi is a good boy!"

"Now that sounds like denial," said Sasori.

"No it doesn't!" Tobi protested.

"Do you know anything about Uchiha Obito, Tobi?" asked Konan.

"No! Tobi doesn't know who he is!"

As the members' stares continued to pierce him, Tobi cracked, "WAH! Tobi is sorry! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi will tell the truth!"

The members all waited expectantly for his answer.

"Tobi knows that Uchiha Obito belongs to Itachi's clan!"

"We already fucking know that!"

"Tobi also knows that Uchiha Obito fought in the Third Shinobi War!"

"We also fucking know that already!"

"And, and, Tobi also knows that Uchiha Obito gave one of his Sharingan to Hatake Kakashi!"

"AND AND, Hidan also knows that we just wasted five fucking minutes of our lives trying to speak to a fucking idiot! Hidan wishes that he could sacrifice Tobi to Jashin-sama!"

Tobi fell into a quiet whimper, "But Tobi only told the truth. Tobi is a good boy!"

A sudden loud cracking sounded and they all looked downward to see the desk splintering.

"AGH!" All of them fell into the water as the wood gave way.

"OHMYGOD HELP ME! DANNA, UN!"

"AHHHH! FUCKING JELLYFISH! I WILL SACRIFICE YOU TO JASHIN-SAMA!" Hidan kept slashing at the water around him with his scythe causing the others to move as quickly as possible away from the reach of his wild swinging.

"TOBI IS DROWNING! TOBI DOESN'T WANT TO BE STUNG BY JELLYFISH! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY! SENPAI HELP ME! ZETSU-SAN!"

"If you guys would just stand up, you will realise that the water is only up to your knees," Kisame's voice interrupted their girly shrieks.

Deidara, Hidan and Tobi paused in their floundering and noticed the others all standing around calmly watching them.

"Oh."

"Well, I've already cleared the creatures! Bye now!" Kisame rushed to the door.

"Hold it right there." Kisame froze at the stern voice of Pein and turned back towards his leader slowly.

"You will assist in cleaning and repairing EVERY. SINGLE. DAMAGE. That your flood has caused. Kakuzu will inform you of the expenses. You will also be in charge of getting the money necessary for the repairs."

"But… But..."

"You may also have as many of the rest as you want to help you in the menial labour." The others groaned and Kisame shrunk back a little from their glares.

"Now get to work."

"The scroll… It's wet…" Konan's soft voice sounded.

True enough, Konan was holding up a sopping wet scroll, water still dripping off its handles.

"Will it still work?"

"I don't know…oh!"

Slightly smeared ink-like words started surfacing.

* * *

_Saint Valentine_

_A little cupid is going around spreading love within the Akatsuki! AND he's trying to recruit too? Talk about creating havoc on the little guy's first day..._

* * *

"This reminds me! We need to do a Secret Valentines!"

The wet and straggly Akatsuki stared at the bluenette.

* * *

_-end chapter-_

A/N: Tobi's identity will be revealed. But not so soon. Enjoy his good boy mania meanwhile!

Sorry about relating Kisame to even more fish. Couldn't help it, he and everything water-related just seem so good together! :P

Many thanks to **riptocs**,** eclipsed flower **and **nemaara** for beta help!

By the way, the latest manga chapter was quite a laugh wasn't it? Wasn't it? Hokages FTW!

Response to previous reviews:

The Phantom Dragon: I kinda guessed that it was you. XD Huh, I never thought about it. Sounds just like the crackfic that I've been racking my brains for! Yay you! Recorded for a future chapter. Now I really have to go watch a HTF cartoon. D:

xBUzzOFF15x: I see that you had expectations; well I hope you were at least mildly satisfied!

Daffodil Moon: *cackles* Who did you want that someone to be?

BLOWBITO UCHIHAHAHA: It's okay, a late review is better than never! I'll try my best to keep them in character as much as possible, and don't worry, I don't bash characters!


	13. Saint Valentine

A/N: I had to rewrite this damn thing because MS Word closed on me without saving any copies. T_T On the bright side, it got you guys a much longer chapter! Over 5000 words! :)

I would like to remind you guys to NOT skip any chapters, as all of their various reactions will contribute to the main storyline…which I seem to be deviating from… D: Nevertheless, I'll try to get back on point, but no one actually minds endless and mindless fics for the Akatsuki to entertain themselves with anyway right? Just remember, no skipping!

Happy Belated Valentine's Day! Sorry it's a little late, hope you guys had fun! Now if it only were declared a public holiday so we can all skip work/school…

Many thanks to **riptocs, nemaara** and **eclipsed flower** for beta help.

Please replace the words 'Cupid' and 'Venus' with 'Eros' and 'Aphrodite' respectively if you prefer Greek mythological terms.

I do not own Naruto.

* * *

_Recap:_

_"You will assist in cleaning and repairing EVERY. SINGLE. DAMAGE. That your flood has caused. Kakuzu will inform you of the expenses. You will also be in-charge of getting the money necessary for the repairs."_

_"But... But..."_

_"You may also get as many of the rest as you want to help you in the menial labour." The others groaned and Kisame shrunk back a little from their glares._

_"Now get to work."_

_"The scroll… It's wet…" Konan's soft voice sounded._

_True enough, Konan was holding up a sopping wet scroll with water still dripping off its handles._

_"Will it still work?"_

_"I don't know…oh!"_

_Slightly smeared ink-like words started surfacing. _

* * *

_Saint Valentine_

_A little cupid is going around spreading love within the Akatsuki! AND he's trying to recruit too? Talk about creating havoc on the little guy's first day..._

* * *

_"This reminds me! We need to do a Secret Valentines!"_

_The wet and straggly Akatsuki stared at the bluenette. _

_-end recap-_

* * *

"Why?" Kisame said with a mild look of disgust on his face.

"Because you guys have been fighting way too much lately, insulting each other and, and, well everything. We need to improve the dynamics of your various pairi- partnerships so that we can increase the chances of future missions' successes."

"Hidan's the one who has been shooting off insults, not any of us," Sasori stated.

"Hidan shoots off insensitive, childish vulgarities just for the sake of being insulting. You shoot off veiled, barbed attacks aimed at mocking," Konan shot a look at Sasori who pretended to not know what she meant.

"Why did Konan-san suddenly say pairi- then partnerships? Tobi wants to know!" Tobi innocently pretended to not know the reason for her slip-up.

"Um…uh…well…I was about to say pairings but decided that partnerships sounded better_-"_

"Is it because of that time when Tobi saw Konan-san sneak out of Leader-sama's room with the scroll?"

"Well-"

"Or is it because of that time Tobi saw Konan blushing while reading a story about Sasori-san and Deidara-senpai kissing and touching and-"

"Alright! That's enough! Can we get back to talking about secret valentines?"

Konan's cheeks turned a shade of deep red as she noticed the looks that Sasori and Deidara were sending her. "The story was sweet ok? The two of you were aspiring artists working together but then Deidara fell ill and started losing his memories. Sasori did everything he could to make his _partner," _Konan put some emphasis on the word partner, _"_happy, and the rest of the Akatsuki helped too! The story hasn't ended yet though. I'm still waiting on the next chapter."

Everybody looked at her as if she had turned loopy.

Konan huffed at their looks. "Everyone needs some reprieve sometimes. You guys try to kill each other and I read random implausible stories. We all do irrational stuff."

Hidan opened his mouth and was immediately greeted with Konan's papers, Sasori's puppets and Deidara's clay figures threatening him in case he decided say or do something stupid.

"As much as I would _love _to continue hearing blue bitch swoon about the puppet and blond doing each other, I have sacrifices to hunt. SO GOODBYE," Hidan strode off without a backward glance at the others, who were all glaring at him.

Konan looked at Kisame. Kisame looked at Konan.

"Did 'blue bitch' mean you?"

Kisame gave her an annoyed look, "I wasn't the one being all sensitive about dying gay artists."

"Yea, well you were gay on Itachi in the story too!" Kisame choked on his own saliva and Itachi raised an eyebrow at her.

Konan decided to drop the topic. "HEY HIDAN GET BACK HERE!" She sent out a stream of papers to wrap around his body and dragged him back into the room.

"What the fuck do you want, you blue bitch?!"

"Watch your language before you suffer from the wrath of a thousand tiny paper cuts," Konan warned. "Now, before you left so rudely, I was talking about secret valentines."

She received a round of dirty looks, frowns and glares. "Which was kindly suggested by Tobi to improve our team relations," she explained nonchalantly.

The looks all switched over to the masked man who just happily said, "Tobi is a good boy!"

"This explains the whispering that we saw. **That idiot**," Zetsu scowled.

"We will each pick a name and then not tell who we got. Then we'll buy a gift for that person that DOES NOT KILL, MAIM, OR INJURE," Konan shot pointed looks at, well, all of them. "Gift exchanges will be held on February 14, which you have a week to prepare for, and we'll reveal who each other's secret valentines are!"

She formed a paper bucket and slipped 10 pieces of folded paper in before holding it out to the others who backed away from it.

Konan advanced on Pein first, who seemed to be fighting an internal battle. She gave him an expectant look and shook the bucket, stretching it out further to him.

Pein's lips thinned as he reached into the bucket, drawing out a piece of paper. He looked at the name on it without reacting and then shredded it into pieces.

The rest, having no choice now since their leader had already consented, each reluctantly picked a name.

Their faces expressed the following emotions:

Kisame: Fear. Itachi: Nothing. Deidara: Annoyance. Kakuzu: Boredom. Hidan: Glee. Sasori: Disinterest. Tobi: Mask. Zetsu: Surprise/Hunger.

Konan also picked out a name and made a face at the name she had gotten.

She looked up to see that Kisame had gone off to clean up the mess that the flood had caused, dragging a cursing Hidan and a protesting Deidara along with him. Itachi, Sasori and Kakuzu also followed quietly behind. Itachi probably to help, Sasori probably to amuse himself at their expense and Kakuzu probably to supervise.

Tobi and Zetsu went off somewhere else, claiming that they needed to check on the plants for any possible damage.

Pein and Konan decided to go get their gifts.

* * *

Konan was bored. It had been a couple of hours since she had gone with Pein to buy her gift and after they got back, he had disappeared back into his office, being secretive with his gift.

She suddenly remembered that she still had the scroll on her. She opened it up to reveal the Valentine story, which hadn't disappeared yet. But she didn't want to read it alone.

* * *

Loud static filled the entire base and caused everyone to stop what they were doing and look around.

"Ahem! Ahem!" Konan's voice echoed.

"Attention Akatsuki, I am now using the internal speaker system to speak with all of you. I am bored and I figured that perhaps a good story might just bond all of you together, so I decided to read the Valentine's story to you guys."

Hidan groaned, dropped the end of the couch that he was holding up, and stalked over to the intercom on the wall. He pressed a button and shouted into it, "Listen here bitch! I don't want to hear some sappy love story!"

"It's bad enough that we have to buy gifts for each other, un. Why do we have to listen to some dumb cupid story?" Deidara's voice chimed in, probably from the intercom in the bathroom that he was currently scrubbing down. There were fish scales everywhere.

"You will either listen or your next mission will be with Tobi!"

"But Hidan-san is scary! Tobi doesn't want to be with him!" Tobi suddenly joined in on the intercom chat.

"Fuck off lollipop boy!"

"Tobi is a good boy!"

A loud screeching and then, "NO SHOUTING INTO THE INTERCOM!" Everyone was momentarily deafened by the electronic screech and Pein's shouting.

Konan, already prepared for Pein's anger, was not affected thanks to her earplugs. She removed them and happily started the story.

* * *

___The little cherub aimed his arrow and drew back the wire, ready to shoot._ He let go and the arrow flew toward the shapely butt. It was finally about to hit its target! Unfortunately the target moved and the little angel slumped down, its wings fluttering sadly.

_Darn. Another failure. He wondered why this group was so difficult. He had thought that he had drawn an easy lot this morning. All good-looking in their own way, highly skilled and with the bad-boy/girl factor that many would just drool at._

_He looked at the target. He decided that he needed help._

___Making himself visible, all two feet of him strolled confidently toward the redhead that he had just shot at_. 

* * *

"I would prefer that you avoid describing my butt as 'shapely'. Actually, refraining from referring to my butt at all would be very much appreciated," Sasori's voice interjected.

"Yeah! It's not even like his wooden ass is real anyway!"

Kisame joined in, "Would you prefer Kakuzu's wonderfully sculpted buttocks then?"

"Fuck off sharky! At least none of the story me(s) have gone 'Round 2' like blondie."

"Oi! Don't drag me into this, un!"

"Hah! Why don't you admit that you like hearing about you and the Uchiha having sex?"

"Uh, Hidan, you might want to hide."

"Why in the hell would I want to do that, fish man?"

"Because Itachi just left the room with his Sharingan activated," replied Kisame simply.

"The brat just passed by me with a pouch full of clay too."

"Oh shit!"

Even without the intercom they could now hear "Tsukuyomi!", "Katsu!", and Hidan's screams. Then silence.

Deidara's voice came on through the intercom, "He might not be able to help with anything for the next couple of hours, un. If we are lucky, maybe it'll be a couple of days."

Konan decided that it might be a good time to continue the story.

* * *

_Before the cupid could even introduce himself, he found a threatening puppet with its weapons drawn in front of him. He swore that his entire life flashed before his eyes, albeit a rather short one since he had only been born (made?) yesterday._

_"Who…What are you?" the redhead asked._

_"I'm Cupid!" Sasori withdrew his puppet, staring down unbelieving at the small child._

_Cupid stared back at him for a moment before, "OHMYGOD YOU'RE CUPID! YOU ARE SO ADORABLY CUTE! I WUV YOU!" Sasori hugged the little guy so tight that he thought he was going to die despite his immortality. _

* * *

"Just to clear the record, I wouldn't say 'I WUV YOU!' or actually anything else that Konan just read in that high-pitched, creepy voice of hers." He frowned, "I also don't appreciate how this author is portraying me."

"See, you insult others just as much as Hidan does! This is why we need to improve our teamwork," Konan said.

"And I believe you just said it. No one is ever going to believe that I heard Akasuna no Sasori say 'I WUV YOU'. Do it again!" Kisame's amused voice piped in.

Sasori chose not to respond and decided to vent by sending the Third Kazekage at Deidara fuming at the blond bomber, who was now scrubbing down the kitchen.

* * *

_Cupid managed to get out of Sasori's death grip and looked up at the man whose eyes now shone brilliantly in awe._

_Well this would be an easy one to apprentice._

_At the thought of being able to help Cupid bring love to the rest of his organization's beloved members, Sasori nodded excitedly in agreement. _

* * *

"If I'm to shoot any arrows into your asses, I hope that they hurt like hell," Sasori snarled. (A/N: Please note that all comments on the story will be said via intercom unless otherwise stated, so it means that the entire base can hear them.)

* * *

_The two partners-in-spreading-criminal-love, as Sasori had dubbed them, snuck around the corner, sighting their first target – Kisame. _

* * *

"Darn," said Kisame.

* * *

_Their plan was that Sasori would distract Kisame to allow Cupid to have enough time to shoot his arrow._

_Sasori skipped toward Kisame and Cupid saw the blue man look up in surprise as he was given a huge hug._

* * *

"Heaven forbid," both Kisame and Sasori said at the same time. They both glared at the wall imagining the other's face.

* * *

_The Cupid fired a well-aimed shot at Kisame and his eyes widened for a moment at the spark he felt._

_Sasori hurriedly hid with Cupid while Kisame was left with an urge to do lovey dovey stuff._

_His first victim was an unsuspecting Deidara, whom he pounced on and hugged tightly, choking the poor blond from the strength of his squeezing._

_Cupid quickly shot another love-filled arrow at Deidara, who stopped his struggling immediately. They started hugging each other, looking deeply into each other's eyes with the pure love that had just been injected into them_

* * *

"Well, isn't this awkward?" Sasori smirked at the real Kisame and Deidara, who had just bumped into each other while mopping the hallway. They glared at each other with distaste.

Kisame growled at him, "Mind your own business Mr I-Believe-In-and-Love-Cupids."

"Guys, please remember that your intercom buttons are still _on_, so we can hear everything," Konan added in.

"Whatever, (un)." The two men stalked away from each other.

* * *

_Just then, Itachi stepped into the room and froze at the sight of the two men hugging on the floor._

_Cupid took advantage of Itachi's shock to shoot an arrow of love toward him._

* * *

Kisame and Deidara secretly prayed that story Itachi wouldn't be inclined to hug story them.

* * *

_Itachi's normally cold eyes filled with emotion. He left the room in search of something- _

* * *

Kisame and Deidara gave a sigh of relief.

* * *

_-leaving Kisame and Deidara to continue consummating in their throes of passion. _

* * *

They both decided that it wouldn't be too bad to scrub the toilets again as they ran towards individual bathrooms.

* * *

_Cupid and Sasori hurriedly followed after Itachi._

_After going down several dark hallways without encountering anyone else, both of them were starting to wonder where Itachi was headed to when he suddenly stopped in front of a door and knocked._

_Zetsu answered the door. _

* * *

"Oh man. **Well, this sucks,**" Zetsu commented over the intercom.

* * *

_Before the coloured man could react, Itachi glomped him, resulting in a string of threats involving __raw human flesh and the tastiness of Sharingans to erupt from him._

_Struggling in Itachi's strong grasp, Zetsu tried futilely to overcome him._

And of course, Cupid took the chance to shoot an arrow straight at Zetsu, whose actions changed in a heartbeat.

_Zetsu tossed Itachi over his shoulder and withdrew further back into the room, leaving Sasori and Cupid to guess at what they were doing. No one knew exactly what happened in there, but they could've sworn that they heard rather sensual moaning and banging from the room._

* * *

Itachi and Zetsu, in their respective locations, stilled. "**I'd rather eat him**," said Black Zetsu.

Sasori, who was in the same room as Zetsu, decided that perhaps leaving the man alone would be a good idea.

The same thought occurred to Kakuzu, who had been standing next to Itachi when a really disturbing expression appeared on the stoic man's face.

As they both left, they wondered if that Cupid fellow was shooting out arrows of love or aphrodisiac.

* * *

_Cupid and Sasori decided to continue on their way in search of their next target._

_Unfortunately for the fearless leader, Pein was who they encountered._

* * *

Pein gave a small scowl in the privacy of his office.

* * *

_He frowned down upon Sasori and the cherub, wondering if it was another one of the puppet master's works._

_A little worried and unsettled by Sasori's constant beaming at him, he decided that perhaps going back to his office now was a good he turned his back on the duo, he almost fell to the floor when suddenly a weight jumped onto his back._

___Flailing slightly to keep his balance, he found himself face to face with the small humanoid creature. He could have sworn that a most devilish smile_ appeared on that angelic face when an arrow was fired straight into his face, point blank.

_The effect was immediate._

_His movements stopped, a happy smile adorned his face, and off he marched, unknowingly carrying Sasori who was still attached to his back._

_Cupid was contemplating whether he should follow them or not, when he spotted a certain zealot walking past and decided to follow him instead. He did, however, shoot an arrow at the already giddy Sasori first._

* * *

Pein and Sasori's faces blanched, hoping to god that it didn't mean what they thought the sentence hinted at.

* * *

_Making sure that the Pein and Sasori were getting along well before leaving,-_

* * *

Yes, apparently it did mean that. 'Why match the two of them of all people?' they thought to themselves.

* * *

_-he found Hidan rather quickly._

_Hidan never even knew what hit him as a perfect shot hit him in his back._

_"Kuzu! Hug!" Hidan declared as he bumped into Kakuzu. _

* * *

"Kuzu!? Die!" Hidan's voice was heard along with several loud crashes afterward.

Sasori, who had witnessed everything, decided to inform the rest of them of Hidan's foolishness, "Out of the kindness of my heart, I shall tell you all what just happened. Hidan awoke. Hidan attacked Kakuzu after hearing about story him. Kakuzu punched him into what others would have called an eternal sleep. We have some time before his majesty of idiots awakens."

"This just proves my point about our teamwork," commented Konan. Everyone recognised the tone that she had just used; she had something planned and they probably weren't going to like it. However she didn't mention anything else and continued the story.

* * *

_Kakuzu, of course, reacted the way any person would in the face of an adoring Hidan - running away screaming in the other direction._

* * *

Kisame's laughter echoed around the base, "Oh what I would give to see Kakuzu run away screaming from Hidan."

"One more word and you'll be running away screaming from me," Kakuzu's voice was low and threatening.

"Bring it! _Kuzu~_!" Konan held back briefly from reading as stomping feet and the clangs of weapons rang out before silence fell.

Not wanting to know what had happened, she silently hoped for no more disturbances so that they could finish the story.

* * *

_Cupid wondered briefly if Kakuzu might be spared from being shot but clearly his attempts at murdering Hidan while avoiding his hugs said otherwise. Seeing so, a well-aimed arrow met its mark, creating another seemingly love-crazed fool._

* * *

Kisame gave a small chuckle as Kakuzu lazily threw a kunai in his direction.

Kakuzu hoped that this would be the first and last time anyone called him a love-crazed fool as he lay on the floor alongside Kisame, both of them winded from their intense sparring.

* * *

_The cupid counted the number of people left, two - Tobi and Konan. _

* * *

"Tobi doesn't want to be shot by an arrow! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi doesn't want to be in love with Konan-san either!"

Feeling mildly insulted, Konan decided to ignore Tobi by switching off his intercom using her switchboard.

* * *

_Finding Tobi and Konan with ease, Cupid managed to get them overcome with lovey-dovey urges. The last he saw of them was them dragging each other into a nearby room, Tobi tossing his mask outside before the door shut. _

* * *

"Too bad the story doesn't describe how Tobi looks without his mask, un."

"Tobi is a good boy!" Apparently he had gone to a different room to use another intercom since Konan had switched off the one he was using.

"That is not a description, Tobi!"

"Tobi is a good boy, senpai!"

*sigh* "Go back to being lovey-dovey with Konan, un."

"Shut up, Deidara!" Konan snapped.

* * *

_Although slightly confused at all the moaning and groaning going on around him, he was pleased to see them finally showing each other some love. He smiled at his handiwork. Not bad for his first day!_

_Switching back to his invisible state, he fluttered back out of the base, and upwards to fluffy white clouds. Flying through the puffs, they parted to reveal a whole Roman setting with winged cherubs everywhere, goddesses in togas, and glowing gods in full regal clothing._

_Reporting to his department, he was greeted by a panicking supervisor._

_"What's wrong?" he asked the hyperventilating man. _

_Pushing up his glasses, the supervisor responded with a question in kind, "Where did you get your arrows for today from?"_

___After Cupid informed him of the inventory where he had collected his arrows of love_, the poor man seemed close to a faint. "T-the inventory guardians mixed up the arrows of love from Saint Valentine with the myrtle of the goddess Venus, our mother!"

_"So? She's the goddess of love right?"_

_"Yes…and also the goddess of __beauty, pleasure (sex), fertility (procreation) and much more."_

_"Oh…Right…" This would explain the reactions of the people who he had shot today… "On the bright side, everyone knows that whoever is shot by Cupid's arrow is filled with uncontrollable desire…"_

_"To love! Not to…"_

_"Well…pleasure is a form of love…"_

_Both of them looked at each other, silently swearing that no one else would know about the happenings of that day._

_And that hereby concludes the first day of Cupid's day on the job, as well as the unfortunate Akatsuki's love lives…may they live happily ever after…although procreation might be a problem…_

* * *

"Is that all we are reduced to now? Mere fodder of entertainment for unknown authors who seem to like us loving each other?" Sasori said unpleasantly.

"Oh relax, it is rather entertaining. And besides, we all know it's just fiction. It's not a big deal."

"Says the bluenette who just got dragged into a lovey-dovey relationship with Tobi."

"Hey! I'm trying to be positive here! Are you done with your cleaning? Shouldn't you be preparing your gift for your Valentine?"

Sasori switched off his intercom with a snap and decided to leave the base in search of a stupid Valentine's gift.

* * *

-February 14-

Konan had gathered everyone in the living room, and each member was holding a bag or box in their hands, indicating the valentine gifts that they had bought or made. Or stole. They didn't judge.

Anyway, Konan was insisting that the usual pairs do a simple exercise before the gift exchange began and the rest were, as usual, protesting against the act.

"Why do we have to do fucking trust exercises?" Hidan whined.

"Because I said so."

"Well someone's being a pissy bitch today."

Konan scowled at Hidan, snapping at all the others to get in position.

Reluctantly, the partners all went and stood by each other.

"Ok, now one partner will turn around and fall backwards, while the other will catch him!"

"Not doing it," said Kisame.

"Oh yes you are! Pein! Make them do it!"

Pein sighed, "Do it or I'll torture you."

"There is nothing wrong with our partnership!"

"Then prove it with this exercise! There is no 'I' in 'team' people! Let's get to it!"

"There is however, one in 'injury'. I prefer not to put myself in the hands of the brat."

Konan glared at the uncooperative redhead before looking at Pein. Pein stared back at her unblinkingly for a moment before commanding the rest to just "Do the damn exercise or I'll take away your privileges!" (Privileges meant things like free reign of the lab for Sasori's poison testings, Zetsu's greenhouse, Hidan's rituals etc.)

That shut them all up and they lined up obediently, one of each pair preparing to fall on their backs.

"One, two, three! Fall!"

A chorus of ouches and whines sounded as Hidan and Deidara fell into Kakuzu's hardened limbs and Sasori's weapon-lined arms. Kisame and Tobi had done fine with their respective partners.

Konan decided to overlook Kakuzu and Sasori's obvious defiance, seeing that at least they had bothered to catch their partners, albeit painfully.

Partner switch.

All went well this time, except for Hidan obviously, who got a pummelling from a fallen Kakuzu. Konan sighed, looking at the bruised Hidan on the floor. At least there was some minor progress. They could work on Hidan's issues another time.

"Anyway, time to exchange gifts and reveal your Secret Valentines!"

Konan received a rather pretty looking polished bone statue of an angel her. Smiling at Zetsu, she was about to thank him when he mentioned that the statue had been made out of 206 bones, the exact number of bones in an adult human, and had been fused together with each bone coming from individual people. She decided that she might have to put the statue through a cleansing ritual.

Hidan received an entire set of Jashin pendants, which he was very excited about, until a mini explosion broke them into pieces, after which they reformed, then exploded again and reformed and the cycle repeated. He looked confusedly at Deidara who shrugged; it would make a nice display ornament with free endless entertainment.

Itachi received an entire collection of classic literature, although half of them were already worn and faded, with missing covers and entirely wiped texts. He raised a silent brow at Kakuzu who just pointed at a junkyard ad in the wastepaper basket. Figured.

Kisame received an entire aquarium set, filters, decorations, tubings, and the works. He would have looked a little more grateful had Sasori not included a scary looking stingray in the tank. Now he would have to worry about how to transfer the creature out of the cramped tank without being stung.

Tobi received a super huge bag of candy. Laughing happily, he opened the sack when suddenly, all the candy disappeared in a poof of smoke. Hidan cackled, saying that Tobi's gift was the honour of being pranked by "yours truly". He then ran off with Tobi pounding his fists on him crying meanie.

Pein received an entire set of accessories all emblazed with the Akatsuki cloud. Pendants, charms, wristbands, headbands, new robes, shirts, sandals, belts, and even underwear. He just shot a look at Kisame who sent a grimace back his way.

Deidara surprisingly received a large crate of seemingly high quality clay. He shouted a "Thanks Tobi!" to the running masked man chasing Hidan before realising that the "clay" was actually dough. If he had tried to use his kekkei genkai to infuse chakra into it, it probably would have blown up into a huge blob of yeasty mess. The only artistic thing that would come out from this would be a perfectly baked loaf of bread.

Kakuzu received a book full of photographs and details and a last minute thrown-in pair of Akatsuki cloud patterned boxers. A new bingo book full of million dollar worth bounties and re-gifted underwear originally from Kisame. He wasn't sure how to react but murmured a thanks to Pein.

Zetsu received many guides on various plants and vegetation. Included was a fully labelled and categorised box of seeds, from rare, exotic, possibly violent plants to tame gentle fauna. The seeds were difficult to obtain without the necessary contacts. He thanked Itachi for the interesting gift.

Sasori received a perfect glass set of various vials with rare herbs and toxins in them. The wooden stoppers of the vials were carved intricately with letters spelling out his name, making it a total of seven differently shaped polished tubes.

Tucked snugly in the corner of the box was a really small piece of paper. Its image was one that Sasori had never dreamt that he would ever see again in his life; a redhead infant in the arms of a smiling couple. He looked up at Konan with no expression, nodding his thanks but feeling a turmoil of emotions rise within him upon looking again at the photograph.

Konan, having decided that most of the gifts were satisfactory, considering that they did fit her requirements that they did not "Injure, maim or kill", decided to dismiss them to their relief.

* * *

Several days later, Konan was once again utilising the intercom system to read aloud another story to the members.

_Deidara nodded eagerly and took the soup from Itachi's hands before looking at him again and giving him a warm smile. "Thanks, Itachi-nii."_

_Itachi gave the blonde another one of his rare smiles, which were becoming not so rare at all where Deidara was concerned, and gently ruffled the blonde's hair. "You're welcome, otouto."_

_Deidara huffed and straightened his hair again before devouring his soup._

* * *

"And that's the end of the chapter. We'll have to wait for the next one!"

"I would prefer not to listen to myself calling the Uchiha 'Itachi-nii', un."

"Well too bad. I like it."

"Read another story, bitch."

Konan frowned from Hidan's rudeness. Looking down at the scroll's disappearing words, she waited for the next story to appear.

"Sorry guys, looks like the scroll doesn't have another story to give us. It remains blank."

Leaving them no further words, she returned back to her room, not knowing that Pein had a small frown on his face; he had heard a hint of distress in Konan's voice.

* * *

Back in the privacy of her room, Konan unrolled the parchment, revealing the words that had appeared earlier.

* * *

_BFFs: Best Frogs Forever_

_Konan reminisces. Written in remembrance of Yahiko. _

* * *

"Konan." She looked up to see Pein looking down at the scroll's text.

* * *

_-end chapter-_

A/N: Sorry, this fic's kinda incoherent 'cause I lost my inspiration halfway through. :( But I might be planning an ultra-long chapter in the month of March. Look out for it! ;)

I've always liked the idea of Konan being a secret yaoi fan. XD By the way, the fic that Konan mentioned and was also reading to the members, is a SasoDei fic called Dementia written by **riptocs**! Go read and support! :)

Yes, I think Pein would listen to Konan occasionally even though he's the leader, since she and Nagato are best friends after all.

And again yes, the world of Naruto has wireless radios since Lee and gang used them to speak to each other during the rescue of the Kazekage. I just expanded it into a bigger kind of wireless.

I'm getting so out of my own story plot. D: Totally focused on making them react to silly things and acting funny instead of following my slightly more serious timeline. Oh well! This means more chapters right? :D

Response to previous reviews:

YukiKitsune95: Oh, he'll get his revenge soon. ;)

DutchyPuppy: Yay for Tobi! Here, an update!

BLOWBITO UCHIHAHAHA: Tobi's reveal of his identity will be continued, but at a much later chapter. :)

xBUzzOFF15x: Yes, it was written by me! ;)

The Phantom Dragon: Lol, the expression on Kakuzu's face would be priceless! & *gasp* you're a cult follower! Hidan would not approve.

Tenshi Gureibusu: The stories for now will mainly revolve around the Akatsuki, with occasional guest appearances by the other villages' ninja. However they will still appear as main characters much later on in the story, if we ever get there! :)


	14. BFFs: Best Frogs Forever

A/N: Oh no, writer's block! I apologise for the long delay, I have been overwhelmed at work and catching up on extra language lessons.

PLEASE VOTE ON THE POLL ON MY PROFILE! Choose your next male lead for my next Naruto story! ^^

Many thanks to **riptocs, nemaara** and **eclipsed flower** for beta help.

I know that Jiraiya summons toads but the costume he was wearing was a frog so... yeah…

In honour of Yahiko's and Konan's birthday on 20th February.

I do not own Naruto.

* * *

_Recap:_

"_Sorry guys, looks like the scroll doesn't have another story to give us. It remains blank."_

_Leaving the guys no further words, she returned back to her room, unaware that Pein had a small frown on his face; he had heard a small pitch of distress in Konan's voice._

_Back in the privacy of her room, Konan unrolled the parchment, revealing the words that had appeared earlier._

* * *

_BFFs: Best Frogs Forever_

_Konan reminisces. Written in remembrance of Yahiko._

* * *

_"Konan." She looked up to see Pein looking down at the scroll's text._

_-end recap-_

* * *

Konan watched as the frown on Pein's face deepened while he scanned the scroll's text.

"This is not the first time that Yahiko's been mentioned," Konan explained. "It mentioned him in the song fic that Sasori, Itachi, and I had read together.

I just ignored it because the stories werepure drivel,just mindless fun. But it almost seems that this strange scroll knows way too much about us. Even things that we have never told anyone else about..."

Pein was deep in thought for a while before saying, "I was unable to find out from where this scroll had come from. When Kakuzu and Hidan found it, Hidan had mentioned that he heard some weird laughter before he was knocked unconscious. What I don't understand is since whoever dropped this scroll on them did it as easily as they had, then why was it necessary for Hidan to be knocked out?

Cross-analysing by Itachi and Sasori also revealed nothing special about this scroll; it doesn't contain any traces of chakra, and never throughout the history of shinobi has such an item ever been mentioned, not even in legends or myths."

Pein looked a little frustrated. Konan placed a hand on his shoulder to calm him down.

"Perhaps we should read this story further before making any decisions on whether this scroll might be a form of attack. So far, although it seems to possess an amount of knowledge which is more than comfortable for us, it doesn't reveal too much in its stories and entertains more than harms."

"You are too trusting, Konan. This may be only an inanimate object, but in the hands of outsiders, it could ruin us."

"Not if we keep it on us and within the base at all times. It might contain keys to unlocking our organisation's objectives! I don't think destroying it is the right action to take right now."

Pein looked at Konan, who had a determined look on her face. Knowing that she was right, he figured that continuing to read these supposed fictions would do no harm. For now anyway.

He gave the nod for Konan to begin reading the story that had mentioned their best friend's name.

* * *

_It was that time of the year again - 20th February, Yahiko's and Konan's birthday._

_Konan and Nagato were having a meal together in quiet celebration and mourning._

_As they ate silently, Konan looked upon the forever empty place at the table and a memory she could still see crystal clear surfaced._

_-Flashback- _

_Yahiko plucked at the material clinging to his skin. It was so uncomfortable! Konan, annoyed with his fidgeting asked him to quit shifting._

_He huffed and pouted at her, whining about how embarrassing the suit was. Konan gave him a onceover and held in a giggle. He looked so silly!_

* * *

Pein glanced at Konan.

A small smile was tugging at Konan's lips as she read the story. She recalled how they had all looked so silly in the frog suits Jiraiya-sensei had made them wear. And their reactions when they had first seen Jiraiya in the frog suit!

* * *

_The three of them were gathered together for another training session with Jiraiya-sensei. He called it the Water on a Frog's Face Training, which involved training outside in the endless rain of Amegakure. This was to teach them to remain calm in face of any adversity._

_Jiraiya-sensei had explained about how the training's name had been derived from the Japanese expression of referring to staying calm no matter what happens to you, just like how a frog will remain calm even if you sprinkle water on its face._

_Unfortunately Jiraiya-sensei got dramatic at times, like now, when he had decided that wearing the frog suits would get them into character._

_Yahiko sulked as Nagato joined in Konan's laughter.___

The three of them were practicing by themselves that day, as Jiraiya-sensei was out replenishing their food supplies.

"Jiraiya-sensei is not here so why do we have to wear these stupid things?" Yahiko pouted.

Nagato smiled, "I don't mind."

"Of course you don't. You don't mind anything."

"Alright, quit sulking and let's start our training," said Konan.

They all gasped for air, winded from their intense training session. Rain continued to pour, causing their eyes to narrow to slits to avoid getting water into them. The wind continued howling around the bare expanse of land, with no trees to sway in its breeze.

Yahiko flopped onto the ground, immediately becoming a large muddy froggy mess and gave a loud sigh.

Konan was very amused by his actions. She flopped down next to him, joining him in the ranks of muddy froggies.

Yahiko gave a glance at Konan next to him before switching his sight to Nagato. The guy seemed a little...twitchy?

"Nagato?" The red-haired man was startled out of whatever he was thinking about and smiled at his orange-haired friend. "Yes?"

"What's wrong?" He sat up and gave a questioning look.

"What do you mean what's wrong? Nothing's wrong."

"I mean, you weren't really concentrating during our training and now you seem lost in thought. Not to mention, you seem nervous and you're shivering. Are you ill?"

"No no. I'm not sick, don't worry about me. I'm probably just tired, I couldn't get to sleep till almost dawn."

Yahiko frowned at Nagato, clearly not believing his excuse. He stomped over and looked straight into the purple-ringed eyes that avoided his gaze.

"Speak." Yahiko commanded his friend.

By now Konan had also sat up and was glancing between the two of them, concerned.

"I...I was just worried about you," was Nagato's soft reply.

Yahiko was lost. "Huh?"

"Well, I know that you must be very uncomfortable around Konan and I."

Yahiko's brain spiralled even deeper into the abyss of 'Incomprehensible'. "What?"

"After all, you don't like showing off the outlines of your..." Nagato blushed, the shade of red matching his hair. "privates..."

Yahiko was dumbfounded. Konan just gaped at them.

* * *

Pein was dumbfounded. Konan just gaped at Pein.

* * *

_ Yahiko wasn't sure how to respond. Did he even hear Nagato correctly?_

_"Wha-?" Yahiko asked dumbly._

_"I mean, I know about your past," Nagato said with a look of pity on his face._

_"WHAT past?" Yahiko started to feel a little outraged at Nagato's insensible statements._

_"You told me once that you were afraid of the dark?"_

_"So?"_

_"And that you were afraid of monsters that came in the night. Monsters that would take away everything that you were. You also said that the monsters always took the shape of your uncle."_

_"Uh huh…" Yahiko was no closer in understanding Nagato's logic._

_"Well, according to a scroll I read about the human mind on trauma, it probably meant that the relative uncle often molested you in your sleep. And so you were envisioning him and all monsters to have the same likeness. You were afraid that he would take away your innocence!"_

_Yahiko couldn't speak. He was too busy trying to decide whether to laugh or to get mad at Nagato and Konan, who was obviously holding in her laughter._

* * *

Pein couldn't speak. He was too busy trying to decide whether to get mad at the story or at Konan who was obviously holding in her laughter. She was failing at it however, her shoulders already starting to shake with the effort.

"Laugh."

"Hmm?" Konan looked up at him before looking away hurriedly, a string of giggles threatening to pour out of her as she saw Pein's brow twitch.

"Laugh before you get a stroke."

And so she did.

Pein never knew Konan could laugh for that long. Heck, he didn't even know any human who could laugh for 10 minutes straight. Every time she was almost done laughing, a look at Pein's expressionless face would cause her to dissolve into another fit of snorts, giggles and sniggering.

Konan wiped a tear from her eye, calming herself down once again. "Are you done?" Pein asked. Konan nodded before looking over at Pein. Pein's exasperation increased as she gave a chortle and another cycle of laughs began.

"I-I'm sorry." Konan gasped. "I never knew you two had that conversation."

"We didn't."

"That's not what the story is suggesting."

Pein sighed. Clearly Konan was aggravating him on purpose. "Well the story says you were there too. And since you have no memory of it, it's clearly a piece of fiction."

"I don't know. Wait…I think a faint memory is returning. Frog suits. Talks about molester uncles…"

Pein just gave her a tired look. "Just read."

Konan gave a small smirk before returning to the story.

* * *

_"That doesn't even make any sense!" said Yahiko._

_"Yes it does." Nagato folded his arms, looking like a huffy child._

_"No it doesn't!" Yahiko copied his actions._

_Konan, not knowing what on earth was going on, decided to copy both their actions._

_And so that was what Jiraiya returned to that evening, 3 tweens in frog suits out in the rain, looking sternly at each other with their arms folded._

_-end flashback-_

_Konan looked down at her bowl of rice, and gave a small sigh, drawing Nagato's attention._

_"Memories?" he asked._

_She nodded and he held her hand in support. She explained the memory that she had just thought of and he gave a small smile._

_"I remember that. Yahiko ignored me for days until I finally promised to never read any more medical scrolls or at least, to not apply him as a subject to the topics I've read. Jiraiya-sensei laughed for days on end."_

_They both smiled at each other wistfully, then resumed their act of quiet mourning. Konan's hand remained in Nagato's the entire time._

* * *

The story ended. Konan rolled up the scroll before looking up at Pein for further instructions.

"I suppose we could keep the scroll a little longer. As long as it doesn't pose too much of a danger for now," Pein relented. "However once I have deemed it to be a danger, I am to hear no protests on the immediate destruction of this thing."

Konan nodded, keeping the scroll back into the folds of her cloak. Pein disappeared in a poof of smoke.

* * *

_Meow meow woof! Meow meow woof! Meow meow woof woof!_

What on earth? Konan had just walked into the base's finally clean living room to see Hidan and Tobi making weird singing noises and wearing shirts, featuring a cat and a dog's face respectively, which were also making animal sounds.

The rest of the Akatsuki were scattered around the couches watching with deadpan faces at the 'show'.

"The shirts came with the boxes of cheese that Kakuzu ordered for his 'cheese-empire idea'," Itachi came up to Konan and stood beside her, looking slightly weary of his fellow criminals' antics.

"I can understand Tobi doing this. But why is Hidan playing the fool along with him?"

"Tobi did that first. And then Hidan realised that Kakuzu found it annoying." Itachi didn't need to say anything else.

Konan sighed and looked around at the dozens of boxes around them. "What exactly is Kakuzu planning to do with all this cheese?"

"I plan to get everyone's help in moulding them into cheese sculptures," Kakuzu came up on the other side of Konan, a vein in his forehead throbbing at the continuous animal wails. "Then we can sell them super overpriced and reap the profits."

"No," Itachi started to walk away.

"And here I thought Konan had just emphasised teamwork," Itachi paused in his steps at Kakuzu's statement.

"Why not? Itachi, you and the rest will help out Kakuzu's financial plans. The money's for our use anyway."

Itachi just hn-ed, knowing that it was pointless to even try and argue his way out with Konan. He just hoped that perhaps Kisame, Deidara and Hidan would make a big enough fuss for him to slip away.

* * *

It didn't work.

Itachi stood over the stove, watching cheeses of various shades of yellow melt into bubbling puddles. Even after all the shouting, cursing and weapon flailing, Kakuzu had managed to, with the help of Konan's lecturing on teamwork of course, drag them all into his cheese business.

Konan and Pein, as usual, had managed to get out of the upcoming cheese business.

At least he didn't have to be the one shaping the cheese. Itachi glanced over at Kisame and Tobi; the blue man looked miserable as he helped Tobi pour warm melted cheese into some sculpting tools. More cheese was on him than on the tools, but that wasn't surprising considering Tobi's excitement at being able to play with cheese.

Hidan and Deidara were churning. The sight of the two idiots vibrating like mad while vigorously solidifying and blending the cheeses together _almost _made Itachi laugh. They did cuss out their lungs at catching his smirk though.

Sasori and Zetsu were controlling their tempers, the both of them seemingly calm as they sliced the cheeses into sizes suitable for melting. In actual fact, they both were visualising the cheese as their fellow Akatsuki members, having fun slicing into their 'screaming' faces and stabbing them with butter knives.

Kakuzu would handle the selling after the cheese had been made.

Konan smiled at the "wonderful sight of them working well together for once" and left them to their cheese-making.

As they watched her walk off, the conversation that Konan had with Pein earlier played through their heads. 'Who were or is Yahiko and Nagato?' were their simultaneous thoughts.

Turns out, Konan had forgotten to turn off the intercom switchboard when she had hurried off earlier and the whole base had been tuned in to the entire story and the 'confidential' talk between Konan and Pein. It seemed like their leaders were hiding something from them; and now they were all secretly curious. Well, except for Tobi of course.

* * *

Several days later, Kakuzu was happily counting his bundle of green from the sales of his cheese in the corner and everyone else was lost in their daily activities. It was one of their usual days, but thankfully peaceful for once.

That is, until Tobi's shout of "Deidara-senpai!" was followed by Deidara's shout of "Katsu!" which shook the entire base, which caused Kakuzu's stack of money to topple and reminded him of the cost of damages that would probably follow and interrupted Hidan from his ritual in his room.

Chaos abounded.

After all the intense try-to-kill-each-other session, they finally settled down.

"I want to hear a fucking story," declared Hidan.

Tobi, with surprisingly good timing, then came into the room, limping slightly from the "love-bomb" that his senpai had given him, and tossed the scroll over to Sasori. "Tobi got it from Konan-san! Tobi is a good boy!"

Sasori obliged, unrolling the scroll, hoping for something else to entertain him besides imagining killing cheese people. He got his wish as he smirked down at the story that appeared.

* * *

_Kisame's Baby_

_Kisame is pregnant! Confusion and chaos ensues. A male pregnancy story._

* * *

"What the fuck?!" Almost everyone cussed at the same time.

"How- wha- I don't even. WHAT?! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!" Kisame exploded.

All the guys looked disturbed except for Sasori, who seemed amused.

"Well then, let's get straight to it," Sasori prepared to read the story.

"Oh hell no! I ain't hearing about some fish baby coming from a _man_! Jashin-sama would not approve!"

"What fish baby?" Konan and Pein had just walked into the room, hearing something strange.

"Kisame's pregnant," replied Deidara matter-of-factly, pointing at the blue man.

"Yay Kisame-san is going to have a baby! Tobi likes babies!"

Konan's and Pein's eyes landed on Kisame who looked like he was about to have a stroke.

"Well, let's hear it then!" Konan said happily, sitting down on a chair and dragging Pein down next to her.

"NO!" Kisame protested loudly, reaching for the scroll.

Sasori held the scroll away from him, trying to push the larger man away.

"Alright! Alright! The story in the scroll has changed!" Sasori snapped. "Now get off of me!"

Kisame calmed down slightly and fumed quietly back to his seat.

Sasori looked down at the scroll and read a new story summary.

* * *

_Stranger_

_A stranger enters Kisame's life and turns it topsy-turvy. A tale of love, tragedy, drama and friendship. Mildly disturbing scenes._

* * *

"Maybe the blue man finally got a damn chick!" laughed Hidan.

* * *

-end chapter-

A/N: The entire fic within my fic is fictional. Although they did wear frog suits (so cute!) and the Water on a Frog's Face Training was indeed conducted by Jiraiya.

By the way, anyone wondered how Konan felt standing next to, speaking to and looking at her best friend through her dead crush's corpse everyday? D:

Once again, PLEASE VOTE ON THE POLL ON MY PROFILE!

Response to previous reviews:

BLOWBITO UCHIHAHAHA: I can only hope that when the time comes, I can do the situation justice.

The Phantom Dragon: Whoops! Oh well, at least we got evil little Tobi to make them gift each other. Can't put him into the spotlight so often. They shall take turns. :D

DutchyPuppy: Can't wait! ;) Enjoy!

Unknown: Thank you! I'll try my best to update more often! There will definitely be more! (:

Guest: Thanks! I'll definitely write more! :)


	15. Stranger

A/N: Is it just me or is everything suddenly a lot larger on this site? :O

Please vote on the poll on my profile page! Choose your next Naruto story male lead! Female lead poll will be up soon too!

Many thanks to **riptocs, nemaara **and **eclipsed flower** for beta help, and **The Phantom Dragon** for ideas.

This particular fic within my fic may not suit everyone's tastes. But I hope you like the underlying emotions.

I wrote it in honour of Kisame's birthday on 18th March. Yay you Hoshigaki Kisame!

I do not own Naruto.

* * *

_Recap:_

_Sasori obliged, unrolling the scroll, hoping for something else to entertain him besides imagining people as cheese. He got his wish as he smirked down at the story that appeared._

* * *

_Kisame's Baby_

_Kisame is pregnant! Confusion and chaos ensues. A male pregnancy story. _

* * *

"_What the fuck?!" Almost everyone cussed at the same time._

"_How- wha- I don't even. WHAT?! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!" Kisame exploded._

_All the guys looked disturbed except for Sasori who seemed amused._

"_Well then, let's get straight to it," Sasori prepared to read the story._

"_Oh hell no! I ain't hearing about some fish baby coming from a MAN! Jashin-sama would not approve!"_

"_What fish baby?" Konan and Pein had just walked into the room hearing something strange._

"_Kisame's pregnant," replied Deidara matter-of-factly, pointing at the blue man._

"_Yay Kisame-san is going to have a baby! Tobi likes babies!"_

_Konan's and Pein's eyes landed on Kisame who looked like he was about to have a stroke._

"_Well, let's hear it then!" Konan said happily, sitting down on a chair and dragging Pein down next to her._

"_NO!" Kisame protested loudly, reaching for the scroll._

_Sasori held the scroll away from him, trying to push the larger man away._

"_Alright! Alright! The story in the scroll has changed!" Sasori snapped. "Now get off of me!"_

_Kisame calmed down slightly and fumed quietly back to his seat._

_Sasori looked down at the scroll and read a new story summary._

* * *

_Stranger_

_A stranger enters Kisame's life and turns it topsy-turvy. A tale of love, tragedy, drama and friendship. Mildly disturbing scenes._

* * *

"_Ooh, maybe the blue man finally got a damn chick!" Hidan laughed._

_-end recap-_

* * *

"Tobi doesn't like the sound of 'Mildly disturbing scenes'!"

"Man up lollipop! You're a fucking criminal for Jashin's sake."

Sasori looked at Kisame who shrugged - as long as it didn't involve him being pregnant or something equally degrading, he didn't care. Sasori began the story.

* * *

_Kisame jumped from tree to tree, desperately trying to escape the men chasing him. He wouldn't get caught by them again. He couldn't! The torture that he had been through…_

_The branch he had just landed on snapped and he fell down. He cringed and readied for the impact but was surprised when he landed on something soft._

_He opened his eyes to see a pair of red eyes. Sharingan-activated eyes. He quickly connected the dots._

_Itachi. Itachi had caught him! He looked around and saw the rest of the Akatsuki around him, all of their eyes glazed with worry as they looked over the matted blood and wounds on him._

* * *

The Akatsuki wondered if they would really look upon Kisame with worry had he been severely injured. Probably… not?

* * *

_Suddenly a rain of kunai fell upon them and Kisame flinched, but Itachi avoided them with ease, carrying Kisame gently and running from the scene. The rest of the Akatsuki faced the men that had been chasing after him._

_The last thing Kisame saw was Sasori shooting out his chakra threads before he succumbed to darkness._

* * *

_Kisame woke up in a panic. Quickly scanning his environment, he found himself surrounded by medical equipment. Wait… it was the Akatsuki base. He had spent many a time here being treated for his wounds after missions._

_Just then the door opened, revealing Itachi. Seeing that Kisame was awake, Itachi looked relieved and happy. _

"_Sasori! Zetsu!" he called out._

_The two men who were called appeared quickly and they both inspected Kisame gently, asking him questions to judge his mental condition._

"_How long was I out?" Kisame asked._

_The men hesitated a little before answering, "About 3 months. You did suffer quite a bit of physical and mental trauma."_

_Wow. He must have really been out of it. Kisame's stomach suddenly growled. __He felt his cheeks heat up and was glad that the blue shade of his skin would hide it._

_Itachi just gave him a soft smile. "I'll get you something light to eat, perhaps some soup. You haven't eaten anything except tube food for three months after all." _

_Kisame smiled his thanks._

_After Itachi left, Kisame watched as Sasori and Zetsu fiddled with the medical equipment around him. They seemed…nervous to be around him. Was it because of what he had been through?_

_Just then the door slammed open, scaring the hell out of all three of them. Hidan stood there._

* * *

"Figures it'd be him to be the loud inconsiderate one," Kakuzu mumbled.

* * *

"_MAY YOU BE CONSIDERED A GOOD SACRIFICE TO JASHIN-SAMA!" announced Hidan. Kisame rolled his eyes, knowing that that was the way the loud obnoxious man showed his concern._

_Behind him bounced in Tobi, and the rest of the Akatsuki. Concern was written all over their faces. Yes, even Kakuzu's._

* * *

"Aww, Kuzu. You do care!" Kisame snickered. Kakuzu sent him a look that clearly stated 'Back off!'

* * *

_After Kisame had pacified their worries, Itachi came in with a bowl. Whatever was in it smelled nice._

"_I prepared some vegetable soup. Meat broths might be too strong for your stomach now. But I did add a hint of your favourite seafood flavour."_

_Kisame held the bowl with glee, he had missed his favourite soup! Blowing the steaming soup, he took a small sip straight from the bowl, forgoing the spoon._

_Yes, it was heavenl- ack, it tasted disgusting! He frowned down at it and took a sniff. It smelled fine. Perhaps it was because he hadn't tasted anything in months. He gave it another trying sip._

_Bleagh! He ran towards the bathroom to gag. He dumped the rest of the soup into the toilet as well._

"_Ugh, Itachi, your cooking has degraded! Either that or you used bad ingredients."_

_Itachi merely exchanged glances with the rest of the members. Kisame frowned at them, they were clearly hiding something._

"_What is it?"_

_Itachi cleared his throat, "It's not my cooking or the ingredients, I can assure you."_

"_Ugh, then what made it so disgusting?"_

_This time, Sasori replied, "Your hormones."_

* * *

Kisame looked confusedly at Sasori as he read on.

* * *

_Kisame looked confusedly at Sasori._

"_You're pregnant."_

* * *

The effect was instantaneous. Kisame had to be held down by Kakuzu and Deidara as he struggled to get at the smirking redhead.

"You ass! You only changed the damn title and summary didn't you?!"

Sasori's smirk just grew larger. "Actually, I didn't. The scroll did."

"Don't lie you piece of wooden pervert!"

"I'm not lying. The scroll stated, and I quote, 'To reassure Hoshigaki-san's disturbed feelings, a rewritten title and summary is hereby offered.'"

That son of a bitch. Kisame glared at the smug puppet master, unsure if what he said was even true.

"WELL GET RID OF THE STORY NOW!"

"No way, I want to know how it goes."

Kisame growled and tried to heave off the two men holding him back.

"Kisame. Calm down," came Pein's voice.

Kisame stopped struggling at his leader's orders.

"Now that the story has already progressed halfway, we might as well read it to the end."

Kisame stared at Pein. Pein just directed his gaze at Konan, who was the one who had said that. Konan smiled happily.

Kisame groaned, Konan clearly had some not-very-well-hidden perverse issues to settle.

"I'm not being a pervert; I just want to know how the rest of the story Akatsuki will react. They seem a whole lot nicer than the real yous," added Konan, as if she could read Kisame's thoughts.

Having no choice now, he buried himself deep into his armchair, hoping out loud to God ("Jashin!" said Hidan.) that there wouldn't be any explicit scenes on the birthing process. He really didn't want to think about it.

The rest of the members had no response for a minute.

"Ew," said Tobi.

* * *

_Kisame looked in shock upon the rest of his fellow comrades._

* * *

Half of the Akatsuki snorted internally at the word. Comrades? Them?

* * *

"_W- what?" he managed to stammer out._

_He couldn't be! It was not only physically and biologically impossible, but…how could he have? Oh my god. Those men. They had used some sort of jutsu while they had r-raped him. Could that have been the cause?_

* * *

Kisame groaned internally. Oh great. So story him had been raped. Nice to know how weak he was being portrayed. In reality though, he probably would have torn off the other men's equipment before they could even get near his ass.

* * *

_Kisame was nearly in tears and on the verge of hyperventilating. Konan hurried to give him a hug, which he accepted. Konan reassured him that everyone would help him get through it. The looks of affirmation from the rest seemed to calm him down tremendously. It was ok. He had the support of his family._

* * *

_-5 months later-_

_Kisame stared into the mirror, caressing his large baby bump._

* * *

The Akatsuki all looked at Kisame's stomach at the same time. Kisame scowled at them.

* * *

_He talked softly to the foetus inside him; he could feel the strong little legs kicking him every so often. He told the little girl - Sasori had managed to detect that it was a female - all about her future aunt and many uncles, about their little quirks and how much they would dote on her when she was born._

_He still wasn't too comfortable with the idea of being with child, but whatever the method the child had been… produced, he would love her with all of his being._

_He suddenly felt a sharp pain in his abdomen. A wet feeling trickled down his legs. Huh? He was suddenly overcome with extreme pain. He gasped for Itachi and his best friend arrived almost immediately._

_Understanding that the child's birth was probably imminent, he hurriedly summoned Sasori, Konan and Zetsu to help._

* * *

_The cries of the baby filled the air._

_Kisame lay quietly in his bed, in love with the strong voice of his child. He watched as Hidan and Kakuzu cooed over the little angel._

* * *

"The image of those two cooing…" Deidara's shoulders shook with mirth as he tried to control his laughter at the two who would probably slaughter him on the spot right now if given an excuse to.

The two glared at Kisame, as if they were blaming him for how the story them were being portrayed.

* * *

_It was love at first sight for the Akatsuki. They took in the heart-shaped face adorned with large brown eyes and framed by blue-tinged hair and all unanimously agreed on one thought. _

_She was beautiful. And she was theirs. No one would ever hurt her; they swore with deep conviction in their hearts to protect her with their lives._

_Each member took turns to cuddle the little infant, all of them cooing and making baby talk which caused Kisame to laugh slightly at their soft sides._

* * *

_It had been a few weeks since little Azami was born. Her name meant "word of the heart", as she had a special place in all of their hearts now._

_Tobi and Zetsu were showing her the flowers out in the garden, the baby gurgling happily along with them, when suddenly kunai rained down around upon them. They dodged them with ease, but then realised that explosive tags were attached._

_Before they could react, a loud explosion rocked the entire area. All of the members ran out immediately to join them. Tobi hurriedly handed Azami to Konan, who wrapped her with a layer of paper protection and held her tightly._

_Several ninjas were standing in front of them._

_Kisame gasped as he recognised a couple of them from his time of capture. They were part of the group that had kidnapped and tortured him!_

"_What are you guys doing here?" he snarled at them._

_The men sneered at him, and noticed the protective stances the men were in; they were hovering in front of Konan and the bundle in her arms._

"_We came for the child," one of the men stated._

"_What? No! She has nothing to do with you! What do you want with her?" Kisame said angrily._

"_She was a result of our experiment, and we want to record our findings. We need to analyse her for our research. Besides, one of us is probably her parent too."_

_The Akatsuki members were furious at the men's descriptions of their little cherub and both sides attacked immediately._

_Kisame fended off jutsu after jutsu with Samehada. Already, half of the men that had come for Azami had been disposed of and the Akatsuki were still going strong._

_Suddenly the cry of his child drew his attention._

_He looked over to see Konan surrounded by half a dozen men. The Akatsuki members had been drawn out and separated from her and the child!_

_He cursed under his breath as he sped towards them. Konan was doing a rather good job of defending herself and the child for the moment._

_Suddenly in a poof of smoke, about another dozen men appeared. It was their backup! Damn it!_

_Several kunai stabbed Konan and she gasped in pain, falling to the ground, but holding on to Azami with all her strength._

_Some men stomped on the woman, pressing into her wounds, and stabbing at her hands which made her loosen her grip on the bundle._

_All the other Akatsuki members strained to get at the bundle that was now in the filthy hands of one of the men._

"_AZAMI!" Kisame gave a loud cry of despair as the man teleported away in puffs of smoke._

_The remaining men surrounded the Akatsuki, and though they fought valiantly, it seemed that the backup men were endless. Eventually, they could fight no longer and they collapsed one by one and were captured._

* * *

"Oh come on! We can't be that weak! I could take on a thousand men or so!" boasted Hidan.

"I can't believe that even with all of us, we can't protect a damn baby, un!"

The Akatsuki members now seemed rather into the story, some of them had even gasped rather angrily when the men had disappeared with the child. Tobi had heatedly declared that "Tobi does not like those bad men! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi wants to protect little Azami!" before Zetsu reminded him that Azami didn't really exist.

* * *

_A loud wail woke Kisame up._

_He sat up quickly, ignoring the pain from his wounds. Looking around, he found himself in a large white room, the rest of the Akatsuki also there with him, all slowly awakening as well._

_He looked around for the source of the wailing, and found that there was a huge glass panel at the front of the room in place of a wall._

_He could see little Azami. She was strapped onto a metal table, writhing away from the touch of cold metal tools poking at her._

"_LET GO OF HER!" The shout did not come from Kisame. It came from Itachi._

_The Akatsuki members gathered at the glass panel, banging on it and shouting at the men probing away at their bundle of joy, who were making her scream and cry for her uncles._

_They tried utilising their chakra to help Azami but to no avail; they had been left without weapons and were unable to break through the thick glass. Even Pein could do nothing but kick at the glass._

_Just then a silky black-haired man appeared and glided toward the metal table._

"_GOD DAMN IT! OROCHIMARU?! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER!"_

_The snake man merely laughed at their shouts, saying in a voice occasionally punctuated with hisses, "I have always wondered about the intricacies of a male giving birth. Your pregnancy has given me so much data! I wonder if a child coming from a man is any different from a woman's womb."_

_He waved at his henchmen, instructing them to put the girl to sleep so that they could collect data more easily._

_Fear clenched at the Akatsuki's hearts. They hoped he didn't mean what they were thinking._

_A syringe was inserted into the baby, making her cry even louder._

_Kisame started pounding on the glass. Seeing his baby girl weeping made him panic. He started to cry and beg. "Azami! Please let her go! Orochimaru! Please!"_

_The rest of the Akatsuki kept pushing against the glass too, screaming and shouting at the men and for Azami._

_As the liquid in the syringe was injected into the child, her cries started to soften, as if she was getting tired and starting to fall asleep._

_Her little fisted hands waved about for a moment in the direction of the Akatsuki, as if saying goodbye, before falling with a soft thump as her breathing stopped._

* * *

The Akatsuki members were mostly silent. Konan's eyes glistened a little with unshed tears, and surprisingly, so did Kisame's and a couple of the others'.

* * *

_Kisame's heart broke. The heart-wrenching wail he made as he__ crashed into the glass, pushing, hitting, pounding with all his might. He couldn't hear his baby girl's heartbeat anymore. His fists started bleeding with the impact of his continuous pounding and all his old wounds began reopening, but he felt nothing but the pain in his heart. He wanted to hold her in his arms, to shake her awake. Tears blurring his vision as he sobbed and begged unashamedly for his baby._

_But he wasn't alone._

_The Akatsuki members were cursing and shouting and using all of their might to get to their little angel, their now unmoving angel who was just lying there. Blood stained the glass panel from their repeated attempts at breaking through. _

_Suddenly, a rustle sounded from behind them, and they all spun around to find Orochimaru entering the room via a strange portal-like door._

_They all leapt at him but he deflected their chakra-less attacks easily._

"_You fucking bastard! I'm going to sacrifice your sacrilegious ass to Jashin-sama!" Hidan spat some blood on the floor._

_Orochimaru merely laughed silkily. "If you guys were capable of doing that, you would have been able to protect your comrade Kisame from harm in the first place. Preventing all of this. If you were capable enough, you would have been able to protect a mere infant from harm. But… you are all just pathetic weaklings."_

_The members all glared at him, in anger and defeat, knowing that what he said was true; that they had been unable to protect the child that they had sworn to give their lives for._

_Several men surrounded Kisame and dragged him to his feet. "What are you doing with him?" growled Kakuzu._

"_Bringing him to see his daughter's body. See, I'm not so heartless after all. I'll let them say goodbye."_

_Kisame let the men drag him out of the room. As they approached the metal table where his baby lay, he let out another cry of despair. His little angel looked so peaceful, as if she were only sleeping. But she was gone forever to him. He hugged her little lifeless body as he wept his heart out._

_The rest of the Akatsuki members also cried silent tears along with him._

* * *

The room was deadly silent. It wasn't an uncomfortable awkward silence. There was an air of silent anguish lingering.

* * *

_After a few minutes of body-shaking sobs, Kisame gently placed her back on the metal table before whipping around to face Orochimaru._

_His attempt to kill the man was foiled, however, as the other ninjas captured him again._

_Orochimaru cackled softly, "It seems that your spirit and will haven't been broken enough. Never mind, they will be soon. We'll start on your friends for our experiments first eh? We'll save you for last so that you can watch them break right in front of your eyes."_

_Kisame struggled against their grips as he was tossed back into the room. The men moved quickly to Sasori and Deidara, dragging the struggling pair out._

_Kisame couldn't look out the glass panel. Familiar screams started. Kisame covered his ears, refusing to hear his friends' sufferings._

_Day after day, he heard their screams and one by one, he heard their screams fade until there was no one else left in the room except for him._

_The glass panel had long been fully stained and covered in blood by the Akatsuki members who had thrown themselves at it trying to save their screaming comrades._

_His eyes held no emotion. No life. No will. He had broken the moment the first Akatsuki member had died. His tears had dried up the moment the last Akatsuki, his best friend Itachi, had let out the one and only scream he had ever heard from the man before._

_Now the men were coming for him. They dragged him to that same metal table. Light reflecting off its gleaming surface, waiting for its next victim._

_They secured his wrists and ankles. But before they began their experimental processes, he whispered, "Why?"_

"_Hmm?" Orochimaru smirked down at him, licking his lips in anticipation of the upcoming experiment and data he could collect._

"_Why would you kill a harmless baby?"_

"_Why wouldn't I? You would," said Orochimaru._

_Kisame weakly shook his head no._

"_You would. All of you would. I was part of the Akatsuki once. Are you certain that you, as a shinobi, had never and wouldn't kill an innocent harmless infant on the orders of your leader?_ "

* * *

The Akatsuki weren't so certain either. Some of them had indiscriminately killed before...women, children, infants. They had slaughtered them like the emotionless ninjas-killers-murderers, the line had blurred- that they were supposed to be.

* * *

"_As a ninja, you know the cycle never ends. If you make someone else bleed, they will try their best to make you bleed. If you don't get rid of the root of a problem, it will most likely come back to seek revenge in the future. So, harmless baby or skilled ninja, they must all be disposed of."_

_Kisame didn't know how to respond. Would he have killed little Azami if she weren't his child? The answer was probably yes, he would. It wasn't as if he hadn't done that before._

_Orochimaru continued, "So how did it feel, silencing the cries of a baby?" Kisame remained mute._

"_Now if you're feeling sorry, why don't you apologise to your little girl in the underworld? About how pathetic you were in your attempts to protect her. Honestly, even a genin could have done better."_

_Kisame closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable pain and darkness that would soon come. 'Wait for me, Azami...'_

* * *

Sasori rolled up the scroll in the midst of stillness as the story finished.

The Akatsuki members silently dispersed, deep in their own thoughts, pondering the story's effects on their probably twisted consciences and what was left of their humanity… None of them could say that they hadn't killed an innocent child

* * *

_-Several days later-_

The members' moods had improved since the day of the reading. They had no reason to feel guilty, they did what they had to do to survive in this ninja world. Although some of them did still have a few doubts, even Itachi had to remind himself of the reasons of his own actions, some of the others had completely recovered, such as Tobi and Pein, who were secretly reminding themselves of their own personal goals of world peace.

But what really brought them out of their mood funk was probably the actions of one Uchiha Itachi.

No one really knew how to react when Sasori ran into their living room one afternoon looking all freaked out about something.

"What's wrong danna, un?"

"The Uchiha's gone loopy!"

"Huh?"

Just then Hidan ran in as well, shouting and cursing about hyper Uchihas, adding to the confusion.

Just then both Tobi and Itachi came bouncing into the room.

That sight alone was enough to stun them all.

"Um, Itachi?" inquired Kisame tentatively.

"Hn?" Itachi's response was rather calm, despite his bouncing.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"You are bouncing!" said Deidara with a look of disbelief on his face.

"**Itachi is acting weird.** Is this some kind of prank genjutsu?"

Tobi decided to help them answer the mystery. "Tobi is a good boy! Tobi thought Itachi-senpai's seaweed onigiri tasted yucky so Tobi added a whole lot of sugar to help it taste better!" said the bouncing masked man. Itachi scowled slightly.

Everyone didn't know how Itachi would act while on a sugar high, but they definitely weren't expecting the now hyperactive Uchiha to hop his way in front of Sasori, then while the puppet master stared at him, jump onto him.

"AGH!" Sasori was on the verge of unleashing his puppets onto the Uchiha as Itachi felt about his body.

A quick two seconds later and Itachi was up, holding the scroll in his hands.

"Oh," said Sasori. "You could have just asked!" he snapped.

"I knowIjustwasn'tinthemoodtowait," Itachi said with a disarming smile.

Sasori was officially freaked out, "I'm out of here."

Deidara and Hidan followed him, unable to stomach a hyper Itachi.

The rest were also about to make their escape when Itachi turned to them, "Wanttoreadastory?"

How could they refuse? Especially when they were faced with crazily spinning, activated Sharingan?

"Ican'tseemtositstill. Sooneofyouwillhavetoreadit!"

Kisame kindly volunteered. As in, Itachi just tossed the scroll to him and declared him to be the reader.

* * *

_The Akatsuki's Damn Diaries_

_All the members are plotting each other's deaths...in their diaries..._

* * *

"MaybeIcouldgetsomeideas," Itachi smirked an evil smirk.

* * *

-end-

A/N: I apologise for using Orochimaru as the villain here! I personally don't hate him, he's quite the character from the series! But I needed a seemingly sadistic villain and since he already had the whole experiment-on-humans thing going on already…

I hoped you guys liked it even though it was a little depressing! I got some inspiration for part of the story from PhoenixDiamond's Sess/Inu story, Vanilla Starlight's Ecstasy. I just adore her Naruto and Inuyasha stories, give them a read if you don't mind yaoi (guy on guy)! :)

By the way, anyone realised that, no matter how nice Uchiha Itachi was, he probably did slaughter children and babies during the clan massacre? :'( Oh Danzo, what did you do to our beloved Itachi?

Oh and P.S: One of Itachi's favourite food is seaweed onigiri according to the data books, as opposed to popular belief that it's dango.

Ok, go vote on the poll on my profile now.

Response to previous reviews:

PsyMama17: Haha, thank you! I'm glad you like it and that it could make you laugh that hard! Here's another update! :D

Flamefather: Ooh, that sounds very spoiler-ish! Hahaha, I have recorded it down and will implement the idea a little later into the story! :)

ElementKitsune: Thank you for your compliment, I don't find myself a very funny person so your review is really a boost to me! I'm glad you liked it!

mem0. RiZe: Yes, I will try to write more regularly! Thanks for liking it!

DutchyPuppy: Aww, don't worry, you didn't forget to say it! Teehee. Well, you certainly did finish your chapter before this one came out. Is your latest Deidara's so Handy the one you wanted featured then? If yes, it will be scheduled as chapter 17 to be released. Let me know!

The Phantom Dragon: OMJ, that seahorse reference was genius! *includes it in next story* And... your death sounds...painful...and a little bit insane. LOL.


	16. The Akatsuki's Damn Diaries

A/N: Hi guys, please vote for your favourite male lead on the poll on my profile! We have a couple of ties right now so… let's break the 3-way tie! Thanks!

The fic within this fic is written by **The Kazekage of Suna** who has also written a really good version of Gaara's diary/journal! Do support her! This story is unfortunately no longer available on her profile. Nevertheless, enjoy!

Thank you to **nemaara** and **eclipsed flower** for beta help.

I do not own Naruto.

* * *

_Recap:_

_"Um, Itachi?" inquired Kisame tentatively._

_"Hn?" Itachi's response was rather calm, despite his bouncing._

_"What are you doing?"_

_"Nothing."_

_"You are bouncing!" said Deidara with a look of disbelief on his face._

_"__**Itachi is acting weird.**__ Is this some kind of prank genjutsu?"_

_Tobi decided to help them answer the mystery. "Tobi is a good boy! Tobi thought Itachi-senpai's seaweed onigiri tasted yucky so Tobi added a whole lot of sugar to help it taste better!" said the bouncing masked man. Itachi scowled slightly._

_Everyone didn't know how Itachi would act while on a sugar high, but they definitely weren't expecting the now hyperactive Uchiha to hop his way in front of Sasori, then while the puppet master stared at him, jump onto him._

_"AGH!" Sasori was on the verge of unleashing his puppets onto the Uchiha as Itachi felt about his body._

_A quick two seconds later and Itachi was up, holding the scroll in his hands._

_"Oh," said Sasori. "You could have just asked!" he snapped._

_"IknowIjustwasn'tinthemoodtowait," Itachi said with a disarming smile._

_Sasori was officially freaked out, "I'm out of here."_

_Deidara and Hidan followed him, unable to stomach a hyper Itachi._

_The rest were also about to make their escapes when Itachi turned to them. "Wanttoreadastory?"_

_How could they refuse? Especially when they were faced with crazily spinning, activated Sharingan?_

_"Ican'tseemtositstillsooneofyouwillhavetoreadit."_

_Kisame kindly volunteered. As in, Itachi just tossed the scroll to him and declared him to be the reader._

* * *

_The Akatsuki's Damn Diaries_

_All the members are plotting each other's deaths...in their diaries..._

* * *

_"MaybeIcouldgetsomeideasfromthisstory," Itachi smirked an evil smirk._

_ -end recap-_

* * *

"THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS LIKE A STORY I WANT TO HEAR! SWITCH ON THE ROOM'S DAMN INTERCOM, SHARK BOY!" Hidan's obnoxious voice rang clearly through the base's speakers.

Kisame scowled, "How the heck did the religious freak hear us from his room?"

"JASHIN-SAMA TOLD ME," was Hidan's snarky response.

Kisame rolled his eyes and Tobi bouncily offered to help switch on the intercom system.

* * *

_Hidan's Entry #1_

* * *

"YES! I'M THE FIRST!"

"God damn it Hidan, you are already on speaker, un. QUIT SHOUTING!"

"MAKE ME YOU DUMB BLOND! AND IT'S JASHIN DAMN IT!"

"SHUT UP YOU DIARY WRITER!"

"STAY OUT OF THIS, PUPPET!"

"**SHUT UP OR I'M GOING TO EAT ALL OF YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!**"

Silence fell.

"I think you might have frightened them. **Like I care. They deserved it.**"

Kisame stared blankly at the scroll while all the shouting had been happening. Now that silence had fallen, Itachi was bugging him to continue the story.

"ContinuethestoryKisame!"

"ALRIGHT, FINE!"

* * *

_This is dumb as shit._

_What the hell do I need this dumb ass birthday present from dumb ass Tobi!?_

* * *

"Tobi is a good boy!" said Tobi sadly.

* * *

_Stupid ass getting me a diary!_

_I ain't using this shit!_

_..._

_I just used this shit._

* * *

"Wow. Hidan's intelligence even shines through in a fictional story."

"Be nice, Sasori."

"YEA, FUCK OFF YOU STUPID PUPPET, LISTEN TO THE BITCH."

"Shut up Hidan."

"YA GOT A PROBLEM, BITCH?"

"Would someone _please_ knock him out?!"

"Well, since you asked so nicely, Konan, un."

"FUCK OFF BLONDIE! I WANT TO HEAR THE DAMN STORY."

"THENSHUTUPYOUSTUPIDRELIGIOUSZEALOTOFADUMBASS!" Itachi had had enough of Hidan's shouting.

Hidan fell silent, knowing first-hand the painful wrath of the Sharingan, and not wanting to experience it while Itachi was high.

* * *

_DAMN IT ALL BITCH ASS DAMN IT HELL JACK ASS WAFFLES!_

* * *

"Snippy," said Sasori.

Hidan had to bite the inside of his cheek to refrain from retorting.

* * *

_Itachi's Entry #1_

* * *

"Memememememe!"

* * *

_It seems that Tobi has been encouraging us to document our feelings into this...book. If I had the chance, his death would be inedible, but according to Pein, we must keep him alive. Perhaps he will be used as a sacrifice. Ah, a sacrifice. I can envision it now. Maybe I will "accidentally" plant the very scene into Pein's mind. But that is only stage one in my plan of killing off Tobi._

* * *

"Itachi-san wants to kill Tobi too! Wah! But Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi wailed.

* * *

_Then Deidara._

* * *

"Well I'm not so keen about you either, Uchiha!"

* * *

_One._

_By._

_One._

* * *

"Well aren't you the secret sadist, Itachi?" commented White Zetsu.

"IhavebeentoldthatquiteoftenbyHidan!"

Everyone else wondered how long Itachi would stay on his sugar high. It was getting _slightly_ annoying.

* * *

_Sasori's Entry #1_

_All I hear is the Akatsuki complaining on and on about this journal. I want to turn them all into my personal puppets, but no, I can't, Pein won't allow it. I think Deidara would be the best puppet. After all, he'd make an intriguing addition to my collection, and I could mock him without any response from his big mouth. Oh how tempting the idea is...However, Itachi would make a better puppet. I haven't created a masterpiece including Sharigan yet. _

* * *

"Well!" Deidara scoffed indignantly. "After all we've been through together as partners, danna?"

"Wellgoodlucktryingtogetmetobecomeyourpuppet! OranyUchihaforthatmatter! They'realldead! Muahahaha!"

Sasori debated for a moment whether to reply, partially because of Itachi's momentary insanity. Did sugar affect one's sanity too? After all, the Uchiha didn't usually mention his clan members... He decided to ignore him for now.

* * *

_Hopefully this will never be read by either of them._

_It would spoil my brilliant plan._

* * *

"Well it's too late now, un!"

"You guys do realise that I didn't actually write that, right?"

"Whatever! You're a mean person, danna!"

"Yeah! WhateverDeidarasaid!"

"**No one cares, you bunch of weirdos. ** Let's just get back to the story."

* * *

_Kakuzu's Entry #1_

* * *

'Fuck,' thought Kakuzu.

* * *

_I honestly can say that if I kill all the members, I will get plenty of bounty collection. They're annoying and useless, but they are worth a lot. The only thing is I have to keep them alive just a little longer, then they will be worth more._

* * *

"I knew the miser only saw us as money bags. Jashin will punish you, stitches!"

"As if I care, Hidan," replied Kakuzu.

"Yay! Tobi is worth a lot!"

Kakuzu shrugged, "Actually, not really. You aren't in any bingo books. You aren't well known in the shinobi world."

"But Tobi is a good boy!"

"And that's why you're not worth anything," stated Kakuzu gruffly.

Tobi whimpered to himself.

* * *

_Especially Itachi._

_He goes first._

* * *

Kakuzu had to use some willpower to not make a single flinch when Itachi directed his spinning (the tomoes in his eyes had become a blur at the high speed that they were whirling at) Sharingan gaze onto him.

* * *

_Kisame's Entry #1_

_I find it amusing how people think killing off Itachi is their best bet. Even I know we'd be screwed without him, but if those idiots want to go through with that plan?_

_I will happily attend their funerals._

* * *

Kisame was glad that thanks to sensible story him, he didn't have to deal with Itachi's silent death aura, but he was rather discomfited by Itachi's beaming at him.

* * *

_This message is Itachi approved._

_~Official Itachi Seal~_

* * *

'Oh,' thought Kisame.

"Damn, Kisame, you pussy. Scared of the Uchiha eh?"

"I didn't hear you make a peep when Itachi threatened you just now," retorted Kisame.

"Fuck you, Hoshigaki."

Kisame ignored Hidan.

* * *

_Zetsu's Entry #1_

_It seems that the organization is pitting themselves up against each other._

_Perfect._

_It gives me the optimum opportunity to strike and kill..._

_All of them._

_I hate them all anyway, they're annoying and never shut the hell up._

* * *

"**My sentiments exactly**," Black Zetsu agreed vehemently.

* * *

_I am only slightly apprehensive about killing Deidara._

_He might spray hair products on my plants._

* * *

"Really, Zetsu? Really?"

"**Don't blame me for your hair issues.** Don't worry Deidara, I don't think you will spray your hair products on our plants."

"The point. Is that I do not. Repeat not-"

"Not," said Tobi and Itachi simultaneously.

Deidara was dumbstruck. He took a deep breath to calm himself down. "The point is that I do not use any hair products besides the necessary shampoo and conditioner."

"**Sure… **Whatever you say, Deidara." The bomber shot a mental glare at the humanoid Akatsuki while continuing to sulk in his room.

* * *

_Konan's Entry #1_

_I swear those men are idiots. Are they seriously plotting each other's deaths? You know what, it's not shocking. Of course they're doing this._

_Dear Kami, get me the hell out of here._

_Sincerely,_

_Konan._

* * *

"Amen sister!" Konan declared.

"Huh?"

"What the fuck does that even mean? And it's supposed to be Dear Jashin!"

"A…men?" asked Tobi.

"Is that a grammatical error? Did you mean to say 'a man'?" questioned Sasori.

"Amensisteramansistermenmanmenman?"

"What is a-men? And what sister?" added Deidara.

"**Amen? **Aman?"

"Men? Man? Fuck, I'm getting confused thanks to you guys. Jashin damn it."

"Tobi is confused!"

"Shit, man and men are starting to sound the same now," grumbled Kakuzu.

Both Kisame and Pein just stared confusedly at all of them, Pein more out of amusement than anything else.

Konan sighed, "It's just an expression that I came across in a story I read before. It means something like hearty approval. It's a form of agreement."

"You couldn't just say 'I agree'?" muttered Kisame.

"That's boring."

"That's normal."

"Normal is boring."

"Are you saying Hidan is interesting then?"

"HEY! Don't you freaks go dragging me into your weird catfight. And did you just call me abnormal?!"

* * *

_Pein's Entry #1_

_I swear to myself that I am going to just kill them all. _

_Except for Konan. She's safe from death._

* * *

Konan smiled at Pein.

"Well, finally showed your true fucking biased colours didn't ya, Pein?"

* * *

_But I am going to kill Tobi, Deidara, Hidan...and whoever else I feel like killing. _

* * *

"And you would do well to remember that Hidan," said Pein calmly.

"Fuck."

"You really need to work on expanding your vocabulary," commented Kisame.

"None of your damn business fish boy."

"I'm not a fish!"

"WELL, SHARKS ARE FISH YOU FREAK!"

"Why does Leader-sama want to kill Tobi too? Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi interrupted and burst into wails, running out of the room.

"And why do you want to kill me too, un?"

"I didn't write that."

"Sure you did, it says 'Pein's Entry #1'. Now I don't know about you, but you're the only Pein I know, un."

"Oh, trust me. I know a lot of Peins… Pain-in-the-butts that is," Pein muttered inaudibly under his breath.

"Huh?"

"Nothing. It's just a fiction. Quit fussing. Continue, Kisame," Pein waved a dismissive hand.

* * *

_That is all._

_All they need to know._

_All._

* * *

"And that was Leader being Leader, as usual," ended Kisame.

"Where's _my_ entry?" asked Deidara over the intercom.

"Tobi didn't have a diary entry too," Tobi's soft voice joined in over the intercom.

"Apparently the both of you have been forgotten," said Kisame, scanning the scroll.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" was all they heard of Hidan as he sounded his amusement to them.

"Thatwasaninterestingread! Youguysshouldreallykeepdiaries!" interrupted Itachi before Deidara and Tobi could start on Hidan.

"No, Itachi," was all their response.

Itachi pouted slightly and leaned back on the couch, bouncing his feet in the air.

"Ok, is anyone getting uncomfortable with a high Itachi?" asked Kisame.

The ones in the room all raised their hands. Hidan, Sasori and Deidara agreed over the intercom, well, Hidan shouted his agreement anyway.

"Kisame!"

"Hmm?"

"Rub!" Kisame looked at Itachi who was pointing at his bare feet.

Kisame pursed his lips as the others sniggered at his deadpan expression.

"Not going to happen."

"MangekyoSharingan!"

An awkward pause. "Ok, ok," Kisame held up his hands in surrender.

Kisame shuffled over reluctantly to the waiting Itachi, casting a 'help me' glance at all the others. Obviously they were not going to help at all; Zetsu and Kakuzu were smirking their amusement, Konan was looking very intensely interested in what was about to happen and Pein just upped and left immediately.

Sasori, Deidara and Hidan were doing their usual mocking over the intercom as they heard the entire thing on the speakers. A flick of Kisame's water jutsu switched off the intercom.

Kisame squatted and grabbed a foot, eliciting a giggle from the usually stoic Uchiha.

Once again, the rest didn't know how to react to such an uncharacteristic sight. 'Wow. Says something about your personality when one thinks you are abnormal for such a human act,' thought Kisame.

Kisame began rubbing and wished that the horrible week would just end already. First he was portrayed a god damn seahorse (Male seahorses are the baby carriers in the species) and now he was rubbing Itachi's feet. Kirigakure (The Hidden Village of the Mist), would strike him off their bingo books if they ever found out.

* * *

Meanwhile, Tobi was in his room muttering to himself. He wasn't blubbering like the way he had run out of the room however. Instead he was reviewing his success of being able to trick Uchiha itachi and catch him off-guard on something so obviously simple – food.

Uchiha Itachi had proven to be a hard person to analyse, but he figured that he knew enough about the young genius. And the genius didn't even know of his real identity as of yet. Uchiha Madara was not a name to be easily reckoned with.

He smirked to himself on how everything seemed to be going according to plan. Except for the scroll. He would find a chance to get hold of the scroll for his own personal scrutiny soon.

But first, he would now focus on other aspects of his plan. He would need an Uchiha's hatred for his future plans, and he already had Zetsu keeping an eye on Uchiha Sasuke.

Yes, his plans would go very much smoothly…

* * *

The ones watching the foot rub were very amused, but after several minutes, got bored of watching a blue man rubbing feet and they all left one by one. Even the three mockers on the intercom had gone off to do their own things.

Kisame sighed.

"Why are you sighing?"

Well, at least Itachi wasn't speed-talking anymore. "No reason, just tired," was Kisame's reply.

"Oh." Itachi remained silent for a few seconds before, "You can stop rubbing now. Your hands are starting to feel clammy."

Kisame rolled his eyes and stopped the feet rubbing. Itachi watched him with a small smile. It seemed that the sugar's effects were starting to fade, as Itachi was also no longer fidgeting.

One thing that definitely brought Itachi off of the sugar high was Pein coming in to inform him of some news.

"Uchiha Sasuke has joined Orochimaru."

* * *

Over the next couple of days, while on missions, Kisame noticed that Itachi was more broody and silent than usual. He figured it was the news of Sasuke's decision, but would never dare ask the man. Hidan found out the consequences the hard way when he barged into Itachi's room and called Sasuke the snake's sex toy or something of the likes.

* * *

"Ah, this is nice. Peace and quiet," said Deidara as he relaxed comfortably into the couch.

Almost half of the Akatsuki had gone on missions. All that were left were Sasori, Hidan, Kakuzu and Konan.

Loud footsteps came closer to the living room and Hidan strode in, half naked with a scroll in hand, as loud as if the owner of the damn place and occupied an entire two seater.

So much for the peace and quiet.

"Hey blondie."

"I have a name you know."

"Whatever, your Jashin damned name is too damn long."

"Fine, next time I'll just call you fool. There, one syllable."

"Fuck you."

"No thanks."

"Can you two keep from arguing for just one day?" asked Kakuzu as he came into the room as well.

"Fuck you stitches."

"Well aren't you the smooth talker, Hidan," said Sasori sarcastically as he too entered.

"Why is everyone coming in, yeah?"

"Why can't we?" Konan came in next.

Once again, so much for the peace and quiet.

"What's that in your hand, Hidan?" Konan gestured at the scroll.

"Oh, it's the fucking pervert scroll. I got it from Kisame before he left on his mission."

"Pervert scroll?" asked Sasori, with a raised brow.

"Yeah. Haven't you read the damn stories, puppet? I read one about you taking it up the ass with blondie here."

"HEY!" cried Deidara.

"I didn't know you could read," Sasori tried to ignore the jibe about the SasoDei reference. Yes, he had indeed come across a few SasoDei stories and he found that he would rather join Jashinism than ever have that happen.

Hidan scowled at him, "Jashin-sama wouldn't want you anyway."

Sasori looked slightly startled as Hidan smirked at him. How did Hidan know he had just thought about Jashin?

"Cause Jashin-sama fucking told me, wooden boy."

Kakuzu, Deidara and Konan watched the exchange blankly.

"Let's read a fucking story. Here, you can read," he tossed the scroll at Deidara while shooting a knowing look at a slightly unnerved Sasori.

* * *

_Gender Bender_

_What if Hidan accidentally cuts off something Kakuzu refuses to help sew back on? Kakuzu gets bored of always having to stitch Hidan up so he does a few alterations while he's at it this time… All the resulting estrogen is going to give everyone else nightmares for years to come._

* * *

"What in the name of Jashin?!"

* * *

_-end chapter-_

A/N: I apologise for making Itachi so extremely OOC in this chapter. Brrrr. Don't worry. He shall have his revenge! Muahaha!

Anyway, do vote on the poll on my profile for next Naruto story male lead! The poll for female leads will come out soon too! ^^

Response to previous reviews:

Loki Tricks: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. :D

MadSlasher: There there. It's ok, let it all out. I'm glad you liked it!

BLOWBITO UCHIHAHAHA: Eheheh. The whole idea was very random and impromptu. And I have noted your idea for a female and related version of Deidara!

zeb910: Uh? Do you mean the part where Kakuzu was making everyone cook the cheese? If yes, then no...I haven't seen any actual stories that was similar. All similarities with other stories are purely coincidental unless mentioned. Have you seen one? Do share!

DutchyPuppy: Alright, calm down now. It's in the works. Coming up in two chapters! And no, I'm afraid my awesome updating skills are on the fritz. :(

The Phantom Dragon: I tried expanding a little on the inner workings of Tobi's reasons... I hoped it sounded fine! Somewhat anyway...

PsyMama17: I'll try to update more frequently! And I hope you update your story more frequently as well! :D

luka: Thank you! Here you go, the next chapter!

Aurorapaw: Thank you! Ooh! I have noted down every single pairing/threesome that you suggested and will take them into consideration! :)

Daffodil Moon: Bad Tobi!


	17. Gender Bender

A/N: Juggling school, work, and extra classes is no joke. I apologise for the lack of updates!

Hi guys, I need more ideas that involve Sasuke and all the various individuals of the Akatsuki. Throw me whatever scenes you want to see them individually be in, or together too, and I promise to try and incorporate your ideas somehow.

Please vote on the poll on my profile, it's currently in a 3-way tie, let's break it!

Thanks to **The Phantom Dragon** for some ideas.

A thousand thanks to **eclipsed flower** and **nemaara** for beta help.

I do not own Naruto.

* * *

_Recap:_

_"What's that in your hand, Hidan?" Konan gestured at the scroll._

_"Oh, it's the fucking pervert scroll. I got it from Kisame before he left on his mission."_

_"Pervert scroll?" asked Sasori._

_"Yeah. Haven't you read the damn stories, puppet? I read one about you taking it up the ass with blondie here."_

_"HEY!" cried Deidara._

_"I didn't know you could read," Sasori tried to ignore the jibe about the SasoDei reference. Yes, he had indeed come across a few SasoDei stories and he found that he would rather join Jashinism than ever have that happen._

_Hidan scowled at him, "Jashin-sama wouldn't want you anyway."_

_Sasori looked slightly startled as Hidan smirked at him. How did Hidan know he had just thought about Jashin?_

_"Cause Jashin-sama fucking told me, wooden boy."_

_Kakuzu, Deidara and Konan were watching the exchange blankly._

_"Let's read a fucking story. Here, you can read," he tossed the scroll at Deidara while shooting a smug knowing look at a slightly unnerved Sasori._

* * *

_Gender Bender_

_What if Hidan accidentally cuts off something Kakuzu refuses to help sew back on? Kakuzu gets bored of always having to stitch Hidan up so he does a few alterations while he's at it this time… All the resulting estrogen is going to give everyone else nightmares for years to come._

* * *

_"What in the name of Jashin?!"_

_-end recap-_

* * *

"I like the story already," said Sasori, amused.

"How could you?!" Hidan pointed accusingly at Kakuzu, who just gave a bored look.

"I wish I could," stated the brute. "Unfortunately Pein has banned me from doing so."

Hidan scowled at the man.

* * *

_"ARGH!"_

_The most skin-crawling kind of scream just echoed down the hallways of the Akatsuki base._

_The source? A certain Hidan._

* * *

"Hey? I didn't say you could read that story!"

"Tough luck," replied Deidara.

"Ugh! Fine! Read the damn thing, the estrogen part sounds good anyway. Giving you all nightmares has always been my dream."

The rest of them stared at Hidan for a moment.

"Well you certainly dream the dream," said Konan.

"You have no idea what estrogen means, do you?" Kakuzu looked at Hidan in mild amusement.

"Hah? It's probably some fancy word for consequence or something. "

"So…you think that the sentence means the consequences of Kakuzu's actions are going to give us all nightmares?" asked Deidara slowly.

"Dang right."

"Well, he's not wrong. The _consequences _would probably give us all nightmares," said Sasori. "Now let's help him find out exactly what kind of consequences those are."

"Meh, I'll probably whoop all of your asses to hell. Especially Kakuzu. He'll be so horrifically beaten it'll give you guys nightmares!"

Kakuzu raised an eyebrow, "Well then, keep your fingers crossed."

* * *

_The Akatsuki members all gathered at the source of the scream. Hidan was hunched over and rolling on the floor, blood pooled around him. Kakuzu stood over him, merely watching his partner scream his agony._

_"What kind of trouble did he get himself into again?" asked Kisame, rolling his eyes._

* * *

"Damn that goldfish-eyed bastard and heartless miser," muttered Hidan.

* * *

_"The idiot dropped his scythe. Right over his…swimsuit area."_

* * *

"Swimsuit area, LOL," commented Deidara.

"What's LOL?" asked Konan, tilting her head questioningly.

"Oh, it means laugh out loud. Read that in an author's note in a story before," remarked Deidara knowledgeably.

Hidan rolled his eyes. "What. Ever. Can we just get back to my castration? As painful as it sounds?" said Hidan with a grimace.

* * *

_ "So fix him already. His screams are grating on my ears," said Sasori._

_"He deserves to learn his lesson though," said Deidara._

_Meanwhile Hidan just continued rolling around in agony and groaning in anger at his fellow members' unhelpfulness._

* * *

"You guys are so charitable," said Hidan sarcastically.

* * *

_"KAKUZU. FIX HIM!" demanded Pein, since Hidan's screams were giving him a headache. _

* * *

"Not sure if I should be feeling grateful to Pein or not," muttered Hidan.

* * *

_Kakuzu reluctantly fixed Hidan, finally shutting the man up._

_All of them sighed in relief at the peace and quiet._

_"WHAT THE FUCK, OLD MAN?!"_

_The peace shattered._

* * *

"I can relate to that," murmured Deidara under his breath.

* * *

_Everyone turned back to see what all the fuss was about._

_"What's all the fuss about?" asked Pein._

_Hidan pointed to himself in muted rage. The rest all scanned his body..._

_Holy…_

_He was now sporting two suspicious looking lumps on his chest and his…'swimsuit area' was rather bare._

_Pein looked disinterestedly at Hidan's new 'body'._

_"What's all the fuss about?" he asked once again._

* * *

"That callous bastard of a leader!" declared Hidan infuriatedly.

"I like this leader," said Kakuzu and Sasori simultaneously, gaining a dirty look from the zealot.

* * *

_Hidan of course, started making a lot of noise again, raging at Kakuzu, who avoided all his attacks._

_Was it mentioned that Hidan was totally nude? Yes, there he was swinging his scythe in his full naked glory._

* * *

"Yes, glorious me," smirked Hidan.

* * *

_"Stop fighting!" commanded Pein._

_At Pein's threat, Hidan and Kakuzu stopped their fighting._

* * *

"What threat? There was no threat!" said Hidan.

"Whatever Pein says is a threat. Even the most innocuous sentence is a threat," said Sasori. "Surely you knew that?"

Hidan frowned at him in disdain, "I wasn't talking to you."

* * *

_The rest didn't have a problem with his nudity._

* * *

"Speak for themselves. I have a huge problem with his nudity," muttered Kakuzu. The rest all murmured their agreements while Hidan just shot a haughty look at them.

"You guys are just jealous," he said.

* * *

_Oh no, they really didn't._

* * *

"Oh yes, we really do," said Deidara.

* * *

_What they had a problem with was the lack of swing between Hidan's legs and the extra bounce on his chest._

* * *

Sasori shot a smirk at Hidan's disgusted look while the rest held in their laughter.

"Shut it, puppet. Keep your comments to yourself," snapped Hidan before Sasori could say another word.

* * *

_And that began the long week the Akatsuki had with a feminine Hidan._

* * *

"I'M NOT FEMININE. I'M TELLING JASHIN-SAMA!"

"What are you, five? You sound like you're running off to mommy to whine," said Konan.

"Shut up, bitch. It's none of your fucking business what I do."

"Whatever," Konan waved him off. "Tell that to your inner-woman, Hidan."

"JASHIN DAMN IT!" Hidan fumed for a bit before realising, "Hey! Why didn't Pein command Kakuzu to put me back together like always?!"

"You'll see," replied Deidara.

* * *

_"I WANT MILK!" Hidan sat huffily at the dining table, folding his arms and pouting._

* * *

"Say what?!"

"Kakuzu would you tie him up and gag him? He just won't shut up, yeah."

Kakuzu agreed with Deidara and speedily restrained said zealot before he could dash off.

* * *

_The rest just stared blankly back at the silver-haired woman sitting at the table, unsure of how to react._

* * *

"A MOMANFPH?!"

"Hidan, shut up, or I'll be informing everyone else, who isn't here now, of this story later," threatened Konan.

* * *

_"Er...," began Kisame tentatively._

_Hidan scowled at the blue ninja, giving him a potent glare as if daring him to say another word. Kisame visibly gulped and withdrew back into his seat without saying anything else._

* * *

'Ha! I always knew that he was afraid of me! That pussy!' thought Hidan but then suddenly remembered that he was the one who had turned into a Jashin damned woman in the story.

* * *

_*clink*_

_A glass full of creamy white milk was placed in front of Hidan. Everyone followed the hand that had placed it all the way up to someone unexpected. Itachi._

_Itachi merely raised a brow in response to their inquiring looks, stating, "I don't need her to be throwing a hissy fit."_

_Hidanette-chan, as Tobi had somehow fondly dubbed, scowled up at the Uchiha, then grabbed and downed the milk in one go._

_She smiled contentedly and patted her flat tummy. The rest just continued to stare._

_The stares were starting to bug Hidanette so she glared at them all and snapped, "What the fuck do you guys want?"_

_Well, it seemed that Hidan was still Hidan, even in woman form. The others dispersed and went about their business, leaving only Itachi and Kakuzu at the table finishing up their meal._

_Hidanette observed the other two as they did her, watching from the corners of their eyes even though they seemed unconcerned._

_'Hmm… Rugged. Elegant,' she thought as her glance went over the two men._

* * *

Kakuzu and Hidan kind of froze at that sentence, hoping to lord, and Jashin, that it didn't mean what they thought the sentence meant.

Sasori, Konan, and Deidara on the other hand, were very much entertained.

* * *

_Hidanette wasn't sure why, but she had never really looked at the two men in such a light. She didn't know why, but her legs were moving on their own accord, gently playing footsy with the other two's legs._

* * *

Hidan gasped as loudly as he could from behind his gag. Kakuzu might've succeeded in looking indifferent, except one of his eyes was twitching like mad.

Konan was grinning while Deidara and Sasori both looked mildly disturbed yet amused at the same time.

* * *

_The two men paused in their eating, extremely disconcerted about what was happening at the moment._

_Hidanette smirked flirtatiously at them, enjoying their discomfort. A sneaky plan formed in her mind._

* * *

"He doesn't have the brains to be sneaky," commented Konan, earning a glare from Hidan.

* * *

_Suffice to say, that plan caused the rest of the Akatsuki to suffer from insomnia for the rest of the night – no one could get the image of Hidanette in lingerie out of their heads._

_Hidanette could have sworn that she could have gotten them lusting after her had she not been knocked unconscious by an unfeeling Sasori after she commented on his morning 'wood'. Get it? He was made of wood and…never mind._

* * *

Sasori aimed a kick at Hidan, who struggled in his binds.

* * *

_The rest, however, could have sworn that a minute longer with a lingerie-clad Hidan, female or not, would have given them psychological trauma for the rest of their lives._

* * *

"Thaf's offefnsife!" came Hidan's muffled voice.

"No, offensive is when you are forced to stare at a person you dislike transformed into an even uglier opposite gender and trying to seduce you," stated Sasori.

The others nodded in assent. Hidan secretly prayed to his Jashin-sama to smite their smug asses.

* * *

_What happened the next morning however, definitely fell into the category of lifelong traumatisation._

_The sleep-deprived Akatsuki were awoken by a shriek coming from Hidan's room._

_Reluctantly checking in on him,_-

* * *

Hidan gurgled his disapproval at the word "reluctantly".

* * *

_- they found Hidanette staring intensely at a pool of what seemed to be blood on her bed._

_"What's wrong Hidanette-chan?" asked Tobi._

_Hidanette glowered at the nickname before pointing at the smears of blood, "What the hell do you think is fucking wrong?"_

_Somehow, understanding dawned upon most of the members instantly._

_That understanding caused Itachi, Kakuzu, Sasori, Deidara and Pein to blanch and leave the room immediately. Even Zetsu had looked mildly disgusted before disappearing. Kisame was dragged out by his partner after staring confusedly at the blood stained sheets for a few seconds. _

_Konan just looked amusedly upon Hidanette while Tobi continued throwing questions out._

_"Tobi doesn't understand! Did Hidanette-chan hurt herself? Does Hidanette-chan want Tobi to get a doctor? Tobi is a good boy!"_

_"SHUT UP, I'M FUCKING MENSTRUATING, DUMBASS!"_

* * *

"Pfft!" Deidara and Konan held in their laughter as the blond tried to continue reading without success. At this point, Hidan had given up struggling. He looked half-dead.

Sasori reached over and grabbed the scroll from Deidara, who was shaking with mirth and continued reading with a large smirk.

* * *

_-Day 1 of Hidanette's Period-_

_"WHERE'S THE FUCKING MILK, UCHIHA?!"_

* * *

"Who's demanding milk from Itachi?" a voice came from the entrance of the living room.

They all looked up to see Kisame and his partner staring at them.

"Well, see, Hidan turned into a woman, un, and-,"

Itachi, upon hearing those words, turned on his heels and left the room, leaving Kisame to grin at the bound and gagged yet-also-secretly-praying-to-Jashin-sama-that-this -was-all-just-a-dream Hidan, while Deidara explained the story so far.

* * *

_-Day 2 of Hidanette's Period-_

_"MOVE FROM THE JASHIN-DAMNED COUCH, OLD MAN!"_

* * *

Kakuzu shot a glare at the people who dared chuckle.

* * *

_-Day 3 of Hidanette's Period-_

_"GET THE HELL OFF OF ME DANG LOLLIPOP! GO PLAY WITH YOUR BARBIE SENPAI!"_

* * *

Deidara glared daggers at the Jashin priest who stared dispassionately right back.

* * *

_-Day 4 of Hidanette's Period-_

* * *

"How many days are there?!" cried Kisame.

"5-7 days. Sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. It varies," answered Konan.

"I wasn't actually expecting an answer…" muttered Kisame.

* * *

_-Day 4 of Hidanette's Period-_

_"GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY, HEATHENS!" she shoved past the puppet, Kiri-nin and paper lady._

* * *

"Now that was not very nice," Konan lectured Hidan, who looked increasingly frustrated, while Sasori and Kisame nodded condescendingly.

* * *

_-Day 5 of Hidanette's Period-_

* * *

"Who is Hidanette and why are we reading about her period?" Hidan groaned muffled-ly as Zetsu joined in the fray.

Naturally the rest felt obliged to explain the story, causing the bicoloured man to smirk in amusement at Hidan's…predicament.

* * *

_"STUPID CANNIBALISTIC PLANT AND STUPID PIERCED ORANGE-HAIRED KNOW-IT-ALLS!" fumed Hidanette._

* * *

"Do all women act like Hidanette (Hidan gave a muffled cry of disapproval at the name) when they are on their period?" asked Zetsu.

"Have you ever seen me act that way?" Konan questioned back.

The others seemed to mull over her question for a bit, causing her to shoot them a look. "Forget I asked that, can we just get back to the story?"

* * *

_-Day 6 of Hidanette's Period-_

_Thankfully, it seemed that Hidanette's monthly cycle had ended as the members were all allowed a reprieve from all the previous expletive-filled yelling._

_Adding to Tobi's whining, Pein's commanding, Deidara's complaining, Sasori's sniping and Kisame's laughing, Itachi, Konan and Kakuzu were pretty darn glad that Hidanette was no longer shoving her boobs into everyone's faces as she stomped everywhere._

_Pein had summoned all the members and they were gathered into the living room where they attempted to analyse Hidan's 'girl problems'._

* * *

"Couldn't Kakuzu just amend his previous adjustments to Hidan's body?"

* * *

_Pein began, "Well, it seems that Kakuzu is unable to reverse this accident._-

* * *

"What accident?! That fucking miser did it on purpose!" Hidan piped up. He had managed to get rid of Kakuzu's gag.

* * *

_- as it has been too long since the change, and Hidan will have to remain this way for some time. __Oh, and I apologise for not commanding Kakuzu to change him back in the first place. I had thought we could use some laughs."_

* * *

'Bastard!' thought Hidan.

* * *

_"So how long does he have to remain that way?" asked Kisame._

_"Until Sasori and Zetsu are able to find a way to reattach his body parts. It might take days, weeks, months, or maybe even years. Perhaps forever," Pein replied to everyone's dismay._

_To be continued…?_

* * *

"Why did you say it in a questioning tone?" asked Hidan.

"Because it had a question mark at the end of the sentence," replied Sasori.

"Damn it, more Hidanette? I don't think I could take it, un."

"Shut up Barbie. Kakuzu, untie your damn threads!"

Kakuzu obliged roughly, giving Hidan rope burn as he released his jutsu.

"Ugh, Jashin damn it. And what the heck? That's it?! To be continued?! Damn you Kakuzu for making me a woman permanently!" With that, Hidan attacked Kakuzu, and the rest of them scattered, leaving immediately to avoid getting caught in their fight.

* * *

-Elsewhere in the base-

The other 5 members, Deidara, Sasori, Kisame, Zetsu and Konan, had gathered somewhere else to continue another story.

Konan volunteered to read this time.

* * *

_The Blue Sky_

_The Akatsuki watches the blue sky._

* * *

"Um…is that all?"asked Kisame.

* * *

-end chapter-

A/N: OMG, I totally imagined Konan saying "What's LOL?" like one of those dumb girls you see in movies.

I hit a block in the middle of this chapter and totally wanted to trash Hidan and his womanly self into the Recycle Bin. But I didn't, and well, I hope it entertained you somewhat.

Response to previous reviews:

Aurorapaw: Yes, yay!

ElementKitsune: No worries! Thank you for the compliment. :) And yes, there was a lot of cussing ;)

Pineapple Fairy King: I feel you! Writer's block is the worst. Good luck with your schoolwork! Glad you had fun!

Impar: Glad you enjoyed it!

PsyMama17: I'm glad you were entertained! :)

Daffodil Moon: Oh my, I believe you just gave me a story idea! I'll credit you when it comes up! ;)

akatsuki-espada10 : Thank you for your gift of your first review! I'll try my best to update more regularly!

TDGLover3: Hehehe, speedos. Most of the stories here are all made up by me unless otherwise stated like when I mention the fics' authors. However the world in which they are reading that scroll is all mine. :) I'm glad you enjoyed Dementia too! Yay for Tobi!

Shannyrox101: Thank you for reading! I kind of rushed Hidan's story out as I had hit a block, but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless!

WRose: Whoa? I can already imagine the facial spasms Itachi will be making! Noted for future reference!

The Phantom Dragon: I apologise for the late update. T_T Don't worry, Happy Tree Friends idea in the works! :)

hey: I'm back!

anonymous: Ideas duly noted! Many thanks!

ArrancarRayflo: Aww, you reviewed on most of the chapters! Thank you very much! I'm glad you liked them!


	18. The Blue Sky

A/N: Please vote on the poll on my profile, it's in a 4-way tie now!

Story includes one edited excerpt from Rebecca Harding Davis's "Life in the Iron Mills".

Thank you **eclipsed flower** and **nemaara** for beta help.

Story's short and simple, enjoy!

I do not own Naruto.

* * *

_-recap-_

_The other 5 members, Deidara, Sasori, Kisame, Zetsu and Konan, had gathered somewhere else to continue another story._

_Konan volunteered to read this time._

* * *

_The Blue Sky_

_The Akatsuki watches the blue sky._

* * *

_"Um…is that all?" asked Kisame._

_-end recap-_

* * *

"LET'S PRAY TO JASHIN-SAMA WATCHING FROM THE SKY!" Hidan declared randomly, rushing into their room, his body covered with bruises. Kakuzu followed calmly behind him.

"**That was quick**," commented Zetsu.

"He was easy," replied Kakuzu, and Hidan gave him the middle finger.

Konan decided to proceed before another fight began.

* * *

_The Akatsuki were currently in a field of flowers with deep and rich blues and yellows atop vibrant green stems that seemed to beckon to them to reach right in and pick them._

_They loved the way the sun was shining and the way the wind was playing with the long grass, moving up and down in a graceful and gentle rhythm just like they were dancing._

_It was very much different from the town that they had just left. The idiosyncrasy of the town was smoke. It rolled sullenly in slow folds from the great chimneys of the iron-foundries and settled down in black, slimy pools on the muddy streets. Smoke on the wharves, smoke on the dingy boats, on the yellow river - clinging in a coating of greasy soot to the house-front, two faded poplars, and the faces of the passers-by._

* * *

Meanwhile the Akatsuki members were making incredulous expressions.

* * *

_The sky was like a cloudless diamond, where the rays of sunshine bounced on forever, clear and shining._

_Deidara stared up at the endless horizon, his deep and soulful blue eyes like the colour of the ocean on the clearest day you could ever imagine._

* * *

Deidara looked a little sceptical at the description of his eyes. The rest shot him a look of amusement.

* * *

_Light breezes produced cascades of rustling sound as they breathed in the fresh air._

_Above them, the massive shoulders of the mountains rose toward the sky . The air was clear, so clear that even twenty miles away, they could see the snow-clad peaks sloping sharply down to clusters of trees._

_Itachi relaxed comfortably, lying on a patch of grass, the soft blades forming a gentle cushion beneath him, their leaves wrapped around others in a web. He was a fine figure of a man, with very black hair and narrow, haughty eyes._

* * *

_"_Question!" piped up Deidara.

"Are we allowed to mock the Uchiha here, un?" he asked when everyone had looked at him.

"Hell yeah, we mocked you didn't we?" smirked Hidan.

"Get lost, Hidan."

"I hope you guys aren't going to start fighting again," another voice jumped in.

Just then, they all realised that a very quiet Itachi was in the room with them, leaning against the wall.

Kisame stared at him, "When did you come?"

"Since the beginning of the story. I joined in once I knew I wasn't going to be hearing about a female Hidan."

The others nodded their approval at his choice while Hidan pouted at all of them.

"Now where were we?" hummed Konan back to scanning the scroll.

"I believe you were reading about my haughty eyes," said Itachi matter-of-factly.

"No…we were reading about us apparently resting in a very scenic place," replied Konan.

* * *

_A murder of crows lay on the horizon of the small field, sitting on the fence. __The Jashin priest with chiselled angular features and laughing eyes was as comfortable as coin as he found a nice rock to lean against._

* * *

"What the fuck does 'as comfortable as coin' even mean?" griped Hidan. "What?!" he barked as he saw Zetsu staring at him.

"I don't see how anyone could describe you with 'laughing eyes'. **Damn author must've been day dreaming when he wrote this.**"

"He or she might have been describing that psychotic look he gets when he's bloodthirsty. It's so ridiculously laughable," Sasori added in.

Hidan spluttered with anger.

* * *

_The light reflected merrily off a puddle of water as Sasori watched colourful butterflies dance among the trees, weaving this way and that, his crimson hair and sparkling eyes flashing like the morning sun on the horizon._

_The sight helped him to forget how he in the previous town had to constantly avoid the beggars and ragamuffins covered in dirt, staring at him with war haunted eyes. _

* * *

"Has anyone noticed how this story is using _really_ descriptive terms, un?"

"Honestly brat, your question just lowered my IQ."

"Danna, that was mean, yeah!"

* * *

_The same went for Kisame, as the warm fragrance of flowers freshly bloomed erased the rank smell of rotting garbage, many months old, that had hung heavily in the air. Mocking birds and thrushes kept up a rowdy hoopla while grackles and jays broke any silence with raucous noise, dulling the city's echoes of wails of anguish that had rose above all other sounds._

* * *

"Must be some sort of sappy romantic author type," commented Kakuzu.

* * *

_Walking onto sun-warmed stones was like stepping onto a hot plate, but Kakuzu was enjoying every minute of it as the memory of him traipsing into freezing puddles barely visible in flickering street lights faded._

_As different as night and day, Black and White Zetsu wandered through the field, reaching a spot where the dark earth had been turned in great clods, giving out its musty dampness, exposing its loamy richness and sinewy worms to the sun and clear air._

_Tobi and Konan, on the other hand, rather enjoyed themselves on the other side of meadow, as a field left fallow, though, is lovelier still, wild with untamed growth, hiding brown rabbits and grey mice in thick bramble hedges; scrub cedar, sunflowers and wild honeysuckle assaulting their nose with pleasant fragrances._

_Meanwhile, the stately figure of Pein watched over his members with a shadow of a smile on his lips._

_Yes…the Akatsuki could really enjoy this day off, just watching the wisps of clouds float by lazily…_

* * *

…

…

"Is that it?" asked Kisame.

"Yes," said Konan with a nod.

"So…we just spent like half an hour of lives listening to lame shit?" fumed Hidan.

Konan tried to put a positive spin on it, "Well, it did have very nice descriptions! And we got a day off!"

"Who got a day off?" questioned Pein as he came into their room, which was starting to become rather cramped.

"Story us got a day off!" answered Konan.

Kakuzu just stared at her with a deadpan expression before taking the scroll from her as he noticed new text refreshing.

* * *

_One Simple Touch_

_They reached across the table for the salt and *gasp* their hands touched. A spark was ignited. They looked into each other's purple ringed and amber-grey eyes…_

* * *

They all gaped at Pein and Konan.

"Well! This is a little awkward," said Konan.

* * *

-end chapter-

A/N: Had a lot of fun searching for descriptive texts! Credits to Google Search, Yahoo Answers and various English literary sites out there!

Response to previous reviews

Daffodil Moon: Hormonal Hidan is never a fun thing. *cackles and searches for next target*

Red Moon Lollipop: Embarrass Itachi? That shouldn't be too hard when Sasuke's involved. Idea noted! ;)

Guest: You're* Sorry, couldn't resist. Anyway, hello! :D

Shannyrox101: Yay! I got to make someone happy even for just a few moments! Yes, it was vague and I hope it entertained you as expected, heh. Whoo hoo, to the beach! *scribbles down idea*

SHSL Procrastinator: Hehe, thanks for waiting for my story. :) Well, I certainly hope this chapter turned out interesting for you!

AndThenBurnTheAshes: Am already imagining some scenarios to go with your ideas, look out for them in future chapters! ;)

The Phantom Dragon: You like crack stories don't you? Hmm? Itachi's in for a lot of adventures soon thanks to you ;)

FreezaBurn12: Glad you enjoyed it! Yes, I am definitely looking into featuring the deaths of the rest of the Akatsuki! :)

ArrancarRayflo: Aww, thanks! Here's the next chapter! :D

SeaShellSakura: Thank you for your kind encouragement!


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